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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/01/2022 13:28

@RedCandyApple

She can’t change her sons name unless her partner agrees to it, given they are together I’m going to take a wild guess and say he is on the bc so she needs his permission which I very much doubt he will give.
Why wouldn't he?

One of my siblings has just changed her children's surnames to her (our) last name. They are in a relationship and he was happy to give his permission.

They've decided not to get married and it was important to my sister to have the same surname as her children.

My other sister said she obviously doesn't like her partner very much if she's changing the children's names. Her children have her partners surname. Going by that bizarre logic, she obviously doesn't like herself very much!

MissyB1 · 03/01/2022 13:28

Why oh why did you let your ds have the surname of a man who will not commit to you??? Anyway that’s by the by now and suppose.
Yes change your name- but not to your partner’s!!

user15364596354862 · 03/01/2022 13:30

I don't see why not. It's your name, you should be happy with it.

mrsbitaly · 03/01/2022 13:31

Some people are so odd just because someone doesn't want to get married doesn't mean they are not committed it's not for everybody and you don't know his reasons.

OP you are not being unreasonable it's perfectly fine to want to change your name especially given your circumstances with the poor father roles you have had.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 13:32
  • Why wouldn't he?

One of my siblings has just changed her children's surnames to her (our) last name. They are in a relationship and he was happy to give his permission.*

Because he wants his son to have his surname??
My ex who doesn’t even see our daughter won’t give me permission to change her surname.

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:33

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]@Kitkat151 But, why? If you think ‘I just want them to’ isn’t reason enough for a woman to want her kids to have her name, then clearly ‘I just wanted them to’ isn’t reason enough for them to have the man’s name.

So, what was your reason?[/quote]
I think because I gave birth to them and knew he could never experience that so wanted him to have some attachMen’s to them of his own....also He has a nicer last name then me ( IMO) and also because I knew he would never have PR for them .....in reality he didn’t care about any of those things....he always said....‘it’s up to you’ ....That’s just his way.....although he had a big input on first names.

peachesarenom · 03/01/2022 13:35

Pick something you like, you deserve the name of your choice!!!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/01/2022 13:35

@RedCandyApple

* Why wouldn't he?

One of my siblings has just changed her children's surnames to her (our) last name. They are in a relationship and he was happy to give his permission.*

Because he wants his son to have his surname??
My ex who doesn’t even see our daughter won’t give me permission to change her surname.

He might be happy to, he might not.

I know of someone in a similar situation to you (ex won't let them change the surname), and I find it's different with an ex than with a current partner. A current partner will have a conversation about it

Wizzbangfizz · 03/01/2022 13:37

I don't understand why women give their children a different name than their own and give them their partners - why? If men desperately want that they should get married. At the very least double barrel.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 13:37

Possibly, I just think if someone doesn’t even see their child yet won’t let you change the name then why would someone who does, but only the op knows if he partner would want her to change the name.

Loveisthere · 03/01/2022 13:37

Oh yes op absolutely change it, you can do it by filling in a form at the Magistrates court and swearing an oath. Sorry I dont have an idea how much it costs but it will be cheaper than going to a Solicitor.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 13:40

@Kitkat151 So, what you’re saying is that you can imagine a situation in which you would ‘like’ a child to have a particular parent’s last name? In fact, you have experienced one and just described it?

So, unless you only don’t understand it when it’s the woman’s last name, your initial comment is a bit moot.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/01/2022 13:40

@RedCandyApple

Possibly, I just think if someone doesn’t even see their child yet won’t let you change the name then why would someone who does, but only the op knows if he partner would want her to change the name.
Because the ex doesn't care anymore, and it's the last thing they can hold onto. With a current partner, they should care and be more open to discussing it. It may or may not be a no. In my mind , and my experience, they'd be more open to the possibility as they hopefully care about the person who is asking.
Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:41

@Wizzbangfizz

I don't understand why women give their children a different name than their own and give them their partners - why? If men desperately want that they should get married. At the very least double barrel.
Because that’s what they want🤷.....certainly in my situation....I wanted my children to have my partners name.....he wasn’t bothered either way
PicaK · 03/01/2022 13:41

Yes. If its important to you to own your name and not to be burdened by memories attached to it then do it. Go for it. You don't need our blessing.
You deserve to be called by something that makes you feel happy and positive.

Belladonna12 · 03/01/2022 13:41

There is no right or wrong so do whatever you want and ignore anyone who says you shouldn't.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 13:43

If they don’t care then more reason to let the person change it.

PicaK · 03/01/2022 13:44

Your son also will have the right to change his name as an adult so I wouldn't worry about changing it to his surname.
I'd also resist changing it to your non marrying DP's name. Quick duty check to make sure you are not financially reliant on him.
Choose something that inspires you and makes your heart sing.

OnlyAFleshWound · 03/01/2022 13:45

@phishy

Change it to anything you want, and I’d recommend changing your DS’ name to match, or at least adding it.

I agree with this. Change to your real dad’s name.

Yes. Choose a name you want for yourself and your son.
comfortablyfrumpy · 03/01/2022 13:45

YANBU to change your name.

My children don't have my surname (something I really so regret now but that's another story) but it has never been an issue that our surnames are different.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/01/2022 13:48

I wanted my children to have my partners name

Why?

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:49

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]**@Kitkat151* So, what you’re saying is that you can* imagine a situation in which you would ‘like’ a child to have a particular parent’s last name? In fact, you have experienced one and just described it?

So, unless you only don’t understand it when it’s the woman’s last name, your initial comment is a bit moot.[/quote]
No...what I said was ‘I can’t think of any situation where I would like to have the same name as my children’ ....Quite different to the above
Always a smart arse on these threads🙄

JeffThePilot · 03/01/2022 13:50

Why on Earth would OP want her children to share the surname of a man who abused her who isn’t even related to them? I can completely see why, in this case, she’d give the children their father’s surname.

OP I would absolutely change your surname in these circumstances. Something that fits you and means something to you.

Deadringer · 03/01/2022 13:50

Whatever you change your name to, change your son's too.

Rockbird · 03/01/2022 13:50

I would absolutely change my name to one of my choice if I were you. I wouldn't change a child's name but I would insert my new name into it so I'd be Rock Bird and my child would be John Bird Smith. Still his father's name but a link with your new name too.

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