Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 03/01/2022 14:27

Yes, men who won't marry the mothers of their children are useless. What are you saving it for, Dude?

And wanting to take a man's name--losing your own identity WITHOUT the legal benefits, including the benefits that come from the state, seems like the worst of both worlds.

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/01/2022 14:27

[quote Torturedsoul]@Kitkat151, I'm a little confused by your post so would you mind explaining something as I may have misunderstood something. I have Covid brain fog which isn't helping!! You say your partner would never have PR but I thought that by a dad being on the birth certificate, this is them having PR. Or is he not on the birth certificate and you have given the children his surname by deedpoll?[/quote]
He could be not on the birth certificate, and the children have his name anyway. You can put any surname you like on the birth certificate.

But I agree it’s unusual to not put the father on the birth certificate if you’re together and giving the baby his name.

mumshouse · 03/01/2022 14:28

It would be ideal to change your existing child's name too, but you can't just do that without your DP's support. You can name your next child however you like though. If your DP is difficult about it, go and register the birth without him.

3scape · 03/01/2022 14:30

If I were to change my surname (I won't because it's nice enough to avoid the hassle) but I would change to my grandmother's maiden name (though it would give me the same name as a radio news person).

OR if go with a name of a character in a favourite series.

Actually. I'm kind of tempted to be honest.

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/01/2022 14:30

@PrincessNutella

Yes, men who won't marry the mothers of their children are useless. What are you saving it for, Dude?

And wanting to take a man's name--losing your own identity WITHOUT the legal benefits, including the benefits that come from the state, seems like the worst of both worlds.

But OP doesn’t want to take her partner’s name. She wants to change it to a name of her choice.

However even if she didn’t, I can see how in this specific situation someone may feel more “connection” to their child’s surname than their abusive stepfather’s anyway.

WonderfulYou · 03/01/2022 14:31

You should just change it to your mother’s maiden name regardless of how you feel about her (she should have done this when you were younger IMO).

If you change it to your partner’s and then break up and get married you’ll have to change it twice more.
Just stick with the one name you know won’t need to keep getting changed, lots of parents have different surnames to their children it really isn’t a big deal.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 14:33

If all family members at school have the same name it is much easier for the admin and for the children them selves. Mrs X is child1 X, child2 X and child3 X's Mum. No explanation required, similarly at hospital appointments if all the surnames match it is just easier no explanations required. It's one of the reasons I got married even though I practice in my maiden name as do most medics.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 03/01/2022 14:33

I think changing your name is a good idea. I get your DP is not interested in getting married but why should you take his name? Your son has his name. Your name is associated with bad memories so why not change it? Find a name to suit you.

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 14:36

@Kitkat151 Why will he never have PR?

It amazes me that people happily go along with the old fashioned concept of children having their father's surname, but not the legal protection (for them and their kids) of civil partnership or marriage.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 14:36

It would be ideal to change your existing child's name too, but you can't just do that without your DP's support. You can name your next child however you like though. If your DP is difficult about it, go and register the birth without him

This I gave my son my then DP now DH's name without being married. I wouldn't if I had my time again. As the saying goes why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ?

NameChange30 · 03/01/2022 14:37

I think you should change your surname to your mother's maiden name, but if you don't want to do that, consider a surname from someone in your family that you like/respect, it could be a first name or middle name that you turn into a surname. If there really are no family names that you want to use, is there someone you admire (a writer, singer, artist, or someone in history or politics, etc)?

Given that you are expecting DC2, I would suggest that you give DC2 your new surname (with or without DP's surname) and change DC1's surname to match. Assuming DP is on DC1's birth certificate, you will need his agreement to change DC1's surname, so perhaps the two of you could reach an agreement for both DCs. Either both surnames (with or without a hyphen) or one surname as a second middle name. But make sure your new surname is included, for both your children.

By the way, totally valid choice not to be married, but please be aware that there is a lot more to marriage than changing your name. See www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

TheOriginalEmu · 03/01/2022 14:42

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.

Umm off the top of my head

  1. School easier if all family members have the same name
  2. Health appointments ditto
  3. Foreign travel I have been questioned at customs as the name on my passport wasn't the same as the DCs.

But as long as you don't use education or healthcare and don't want to take your DCs on holiday, no problem.

I’ve got a different name to my kids,
  1. they’ve all been through school, college abs university, other than their teachers calling me Mrs Theirname instead of Ms Myname it’s never mattered.
  2. it’s literally never come up at hospitals, abs 2 is my kids have additional needs so I spend a lot of time there.
  3. we’ve been all over the world and never once has it been a problem beyond asking me and me explaining I kept my maiden name.
RantyAunty · 03/01/2022 14:47

The different travel name has never come up for me either. I suspect it is a myth.

4 different names.

People in immigration are used to seeing names from all over the world.

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 14:47

Without marriage you have no next of kin rights to your partner and vice versa if he/you are hospitalised, funeral arrangements, Power of Attorney, and then there's the pension plan, housing etc. Unless you are the main earner and could afford to raise 2 children on your own, you are very very vulnerable and unprotected without marriage. Why won't your partner marry you? Why won't he give you the legal securities and protections of marriage? I would not stay for 8 years or have a second child with a man who didn't love enough to want me to have the legal protections of marriage. Unless you are the main breadwinner, you're fucked without marriage. Sorry but that's a legal fact. You can't even legally organise your partner (boyfriend)'s funeral or be put on the death certificate as next of kin. Marriage matters, and people only find out sometimes far too late, just how valuable that 'piece of paper' actually is. At least get him to agree to a civil partnership and preferably before your second baby is due.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 14:48

None of the problems are insurmountable, but I think one has to think carefully why we give give our children their father's name so automatically making life not impossibily so,But slightly more inconvenient for ourselves.

NowEvenBetter · 03/01/2022 14:49

Change it if you want. No big deal.

Flyingsunflower · 03/01/2022 14:50

YANBU to change it, then give you son your surname as double-barrelled as well. Our name is part of our identity and if you don't like/love it i would change.
You don't need DP name nor do you need to be married to share a surname.
I didn't change my surname after I got married because I love mine but my DC took DP surname.

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 03/01/2022 14:50

Good idea. Change to what you want. How about going back through your maternal lines to see all the surnames that have been forgotten to see if any appeal? I love my granny's maiden name-and its just as connected to me as my current name!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 14:51

I have been stopped twice travelling with DCs. It is not a myth.

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 14:52

As for name, yes it is more convenient for everyone to all have the same name, however the pressing issue is that you have zero medical/next of kin/housing/legal rights. That's bad enough when it's just the woman, but when you bring children into the mix, you are risking their security too.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 03/01/2022 14:52

@Neurodiversitydoctor

If all family members at school have the same name it is much easier for the admin and for the children them selves. Mrs X is child1 X, child2 X and child3 X's Mum. No explanation required, similarly at hospital appointments if all the surnames match it is just easier no explanations required. It's one of the reasons I got married even though I practice in my maiden name as do most medics.
Many children from Muslim countries have different surnames to their parents, honouring an ancestor or well known figure in their culture. I once worked with the Sylheti Bengali community in East London, where this is common.
RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 14:53

It’s not a myth, you need permission from everyone with PR for the child when travelling abroad, you are far more likely to be stopped if you don’t have the same surname, however I think this is only really an issue for separated parents.

user15364596354862 · 03/01/2022 14:54

@Loveisthere

Oh yes op absolutely change it, you can do it by filling in a form at the Magistrates court and swearing an oath. Sorry I dont have an idea how much it costs but it will be cheaper than going to a Solicitor.
What country are you talking about? Confused

You just need a deed poll in England and Wales. Statutory declaration is an option in Scotland, but so is deed poll.

Belladonna12 · 03/01/2022 14:55

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.

Umm off the top of my head

  1. School easier if all family members have the same name
  2. Health appointments ditto
  3. Foreign travel I have been questioned at customs as the name on my passport wasn't the same as the DCs.

But as long as you don't use education or healthcare and don't want to take your DCs on holiday, no problem.

It makes zero difference to school or health appointments. They don't need to know the parent's name generally. If they did they will see it when they look at the contact number. Admin staff often just say Mrs "child's name" and most people wouldn't have a problem with that.
refraction · 03/01/2022 14:57

Without marriage you have no next of kin rights to your partner and vice versa if he/you are hospitalised, funeral arrangements, Power of Attorney,

The hospital just asked me as I checked in who I wanted as a next of kin. Can also write a will too. Don't have to go for the government marriage bollocks.