Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

[user1481055867]

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

@BitOutOfPractice

Well done on breaking up with him.

I know a man with an almost identical situation, two women in two European cities, one with one child of his, the other with two, also not "consecutive". He started dating a member of my ex's family and would go off every other weekend to one woman or the other. I know for a fact he was still sleeping with both of them (he told me!). Just utterly grim. You are well out of it.

@BitOutOfPractice

Oh wow thats incredible, such a popular formula it seems, lets have a partner in all financial hubs to help hope with work pressures. This made me laugh honestly

Well done, OP. Don't let him charm his way back in.

Hopefully this has made you more empathic than you were previously on MN to women who are cheated on.

And hopefully you've ended the relationship now as it's a complete farce.

I mean, I can see the point about open marriage if that's something that both spouses are happy with and allowed to do (not just the man!) - the idea that you set up a permanent household that withstands the odd indiscretion. But that's not what he's done. He hasn't married anyone. The "wealth-building" has been a solo endeavour, which the mothers of his children have been excluded from. The only part of the theory he has lived is the bit where he gets to shag around while the women stay chaste.

@ClaudiaJ1
I have last night, he responded but i archived the whole wats ap chat with him, so havent looked at what he responded yet.

@CrispAndFrosty

I mean, I can see the point about open marriage if that's something that both spouses are happy with and allowed to do (not just the man!) - the idea that you set up a permanent household that withstands the odd indiscretion. But that's not what he's done. He hasn't married anyone. The "wealth-building" has been a solo endeavour, which the mothers of his children have been excluded from. The only part of the theory he has lived is the bit where he gets to shag around while the women stay chaste.

@CrispAndFrosty

Do not laugh, but that was his "proposal" to me

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Trust me I have been on both sides of this curtain, it doesnt feel good on either. When you are hurt you try to rationalise it and hurt others in the process...

Good on you OP! 👏👏 :)

@MrsTerryPratchett

And does he pay child support?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Not official, just what he decides to pay in addition to allowing them to remain on his properties and i am assuming paying those bills.

@user1481055867

Why do you have such low standards? It’s a serious question.

I literally can’t fathom even vaguely thinking any part of this is acceptable. It’s bizarre.

@CrispAndFrosty

I'm also curious in what sense he is your "partner", unless you just meant it in the boyfriend sense. Does he have a place of his own in the UK, or did he very quickly move in with you while continuing to invest in his European properties?

@CrispAndFrosty

I guess at 40 calling someone a boyfriend a bit weird:) We have some business interests together as well, but yes i meant in a BF sense to be honest. That was exactly our last conversation, he has zero committment in UK other than his work, property is a lease, i told him all your committments are on the continent: properties, families and time spent there and flying back and forth etc.

After you change the locks, move out with no forwarding address, torch the house, get a priest to exorcise the land he once stood on, and salt the very earth.

Worst of all how he is making the whole idea of open marriage marketable by saying how many women ( and i am 40 now) you know divorced or miserable because of infidelity, cannot hold on to their marriage or suffer years of husbands cheating etc, instead you let a man occasionally do something outside now and then on agreed terms and continue with marriage and its agenda as established by both partners in terms of wealth building and future goals etc, unaffected by smth as trivial as "extra- marital sex".

That was his proposal?! Wow! As for age, I ditched abusive H1 (never was a DH) after three years when I was 24, spent the next 20 years happily on my own before meeting DH2, and we married on my 50th birthday. That was 15 years ago, and I'm in the fortunate position of us being very much a loving, stable couple. So never mind what age you are, don't let him or anyone else blackmail you with the 'you'll be too old / unattractive / whatever' to meet anyone else.

We have some business interests together as well

Oh, and start separating your business interests now as well, cut all ties, don't let him have any hold over you.

@mm40

OP - you seem to know what you need to do (And perhaps done it sooner but we’ve all been there!!)

I am DYING to know what is attractive about this guy? Just how many billions of pounds/francs/euros does he have?

@mm40

Its funny as he is not even my type and i told him that at the very beginning. I was getting over my ex when i met him and he didnt mind to be there almost like a friend, but the fucker is simply persistent and i guess just wins by lurking in the background always offering to be there. He is not attractive to me physically, but he was always super nice, considerate, kind and all of that so it was like - why not for once give a go to someone who wants you more than you them and maybe one day you will learn to love them type of thing. He is succesful, reliable, stable and mature person and stability what i was lacking having divorced twice and being in a series of toxic relationships, so this was like a boring long term partner consideration. Lets face it at 40 everyone keeps nagging that you are jumping into the last carriage and reliable and SINGLE men like that are in short supply, so you shouldnt be so choosy and all the noise you hear from people...

Sorry for long answer to whats attractive about this guy :) Not much really

What's the plan re the business side of things? I think sorting that needs to be the immediate priority right now.

Sorry for long answer to whats attractive about this guy Not much really

Well, quite the opposite. He’s managing to string three women along like total mugs so there must be something going for him.

Get out of there and get an STI test asap.

Sorry to be blunt but you are being a fool.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

What's the plan re the business side of things? I think sorting that needs to be the immediate priority right now.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This will require further communication, given that we have just extended one of the agreements we had for another 6 months...
the very fact that i have to communicate with him is dreading...and i still havent read his response to my break up message from last night...dreading that too

@MrsTerryPratchett

I didnt mention the kids are not of consecutive ages but mixed across both relationships.

The relationships overlapped? Did these women know?

@MrsTerryPratchett

So it goes like this: Woman #1 has the oldest and the youngest child and Woman #2 has the two in the middle. They know about each other as he left #1 for #2 and then gone back to #1. When i met him his youngest child was just 1 year old, which did freak me out. How could you already have broken up and have been with your UK ex for a year if your youngest child is 1 year old.

Snip snip..

Its funny as he is not even my type and i told him that at the very beginning. I was getting over my ex when i met him and he didnt mind to be there almost like a friend

You were a challenge to him. And he used your vulnerability to win the challenge.

This has to be such bollocks - I know some really stupid people and they wouldn’t fall for this.

it was as if there was a competition between them to have kids and keep him down, which does happen to men especially to successful ones

‘Happen to men’?????

You are aware that men have a cheap and easy means to prevent pregnancy? And that any ‘successful’ man might have the wit and strength of mind to prevent unwanted babies?

You sound like some sort of surrendered woman or stepford wife.

You need to cut all contact with this man, and spend time single, sorting out your self esteem, before even thinking of dating again.

it was as if there was a competition between them to have kids and keep him down, which does happen to men especially to successful ones

"Keep him down" 😂

Catch yourself on OP.

Has he not heard of condoms?

Or, and this is a crazy suggestion I know, simply not continuing to shag everyone he's been with previously?

Stop blaming women for a man's foolish behaviour.

I'm sure he's quite happy with his harem of women all neatly tucked away in different homes looking after his children / shagging him / both.

He is succesful at making babies and leaving them
reliable if you consider fucking around reliable...
stable see above
mature personno, he's older. It's not the same