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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

266 replies

user1481055867 · 02/01/2022 23:43

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

OP posts:
jelly79 · 03/01/2022 05:39

Wow OP! Did you send that message? Have you blocked him?

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 05:44

Not quite sure why everyone's jumping to Muslim. Plenty of western men also think men have uncontrollable sexual needs that women exist to service; and plenty of western men are bloody careless about contraception and then whine about being "trapped" by a pregnancy.

NdujaWannaDance · 03/01/2022 05:59

Not quite sure why everyone's jumping to Muslim. Plenty of western men also think men have uncontrollable sexual needs that women exist to service; and plenty of western men are bloody careless about contraception and then whine about being "trapped" by a pregnancy.

The difference with most western men who do this sort of thing is that they don't usually keep, house and provide for two spearate families simultaneously.

Although we only have this prick's word for it that he does.

NdujaWannaDance · 03/01/2022 06:03

Slightly weird posting history from the OP under this name. Confused
I'm guessing she's had many other names since 2017 but has gone back to this one for this thread only.

One could say she's experiencing some sort of comeuppance here...

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 06:11

@NdujaWannaDance

That says "loaded and controlling" to me rather than Muslim!

NdujaWannaDance · 03/01/2022 06:15

Well however it seems to you, the vast majority of men who have several families on the go at once without making a clear break from one before starting another, are not of the free and easy, all very modern 'open relationship' polyamorous variety, they are of the very old fashioned religious polygamous variety. And mainly Muslim.

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 06:19

@NdujaWannaDance

Any data for this statement? Or just prejudice?

NdujaWannaDance · 03/01/2022 06:20

Are there more Mormans that Muslims?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2022 06:21

@NdujaWannaDance

Slightly weird posting history from the OP under this name. Confused I'm guessing she's had many other names since 2017 but has gone back to this one for this thread only.

One could say she's experiencing some sort of comeuppance here...

O my god! Shock Weird is a bit of an understatement.

Were you the other woman when you met him op? Sounds as if you still are but don’t know it. Why are you worrying about that now?

Loveisthere · 03/01/2022 06:31

Omg seeing both women at the same time having children with both of them. Controlling them even now when he has left them. Telling you they want him back. He sounds like a fantasist I would get out now

WilsonMilson · 03/01/2022 06:35

So he basically keeps a harem. I take it he’s very wealthy? There’s no way I would accept a situation, or indeed a man who has that many complications.
Apart from anything else, he’ll never be there, he’ll always be flitting between other homes, children and women. That’s no life. What about when/if you were to have kids together? Also, any totally irrelevant, am shrimps to know how he managed all the travel during covid?

WilsonMilson · 03/01/2022 06:36

Erm, ‘shrimps’ should read ‘curious’….that was a random autocorrect.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 06:40

I voted YABU because he's a controlling manipulative piece of shit who is exploiting these Women's economic position to exert life long control over them and YABU to be worrying about jealousy rather than seeing him for who he is.
I then read on and see you've come to your senses and ended it. Thank god.

KCee30 · 03/01/2022 06:44

I think you already know your answer. It's a strange set up. A few weekends a month? That's a lot. My kids dad lives 10 minutes away and doesn't see him that much 😅😅 whilst it's great your boyfriends sees his kids, I also feel it's a bit weird that he won't allow his ex's to move on with a new man like he has with you. It sounds controlling.

I mean if he does go why doesn't he stay in a hotel? If he owns two houses I'm sure he could afford it.

I have a friend who has kids with an ex husband. She's now re married and her ex husband lives miles away. Ex husband comes in stays in her house every few months to see the kids and all get on. But I don't think she could tolerate it more often then once every few months.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 03/01/2022 06:45

I mean if he does go why doesn't he stay in a hotel? If he owns two houses I'm sure he could afford it
Because it is about the power he has over those women.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/01/2022 06:56

Jesus. Run, don't walk.
What the hell are you doing?
Just read what you wrote out loud.

Backtomyoldname · 03/01/2022 07:03

Having his cake and eating plenty.

Who owns your home?

Will you be the third ex-partner tied into a controlling situation?

Time to consider your situation and look after yourself.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 03/01/2022 07:04

I would run a mile- his behaviour towards his exes is controlling to say the least. He won’t allow them to date (even though he is), he has keys to their homes and I’m guessing if they break his rules they’ll be homeless with their children.

That doesn’t even include he’s got 4 children by 2 women born within a few short years. Fuck that complicated situation.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 03/01/2022 07:09

@Aquamarine1029

Gosh the more i answer the more crazy this sounds...He left one for another because she got pregnant against his wish, for the other one only to do the same. So he repeated this cycle one more time claiming he didnt plan or want any of these kids and they only wished to "trap" him and to get a paycheck or smth to that nature....

It's unbelievable that you would stay with a man after being told this. Have you no standards at all?

No. He has been keeping several household s. This is planned. He hates women so much and hates the mothers of his children so much e blameS cthem. Vile misogynist
diamondpony80 · 03/01/2022 07:09

They both harbor hope he'll return? Isn't it pretty likely then that he's still sleeping with each of them when he turns up on their doorsteps? If the women were overlapping anyway it's not like he's got any kind of loyalty to any of you.

Cattitudes · 03/01/2022 07:30

Sounds like the ultimate Disney dad too, absolutely no use to help with childcare when in a different country. Wafts in for a few days a month. Not sure if there is any mechanism for recovering maintenance from him if he lives in UK either which is possibly why he maintains this control. Block him on everything.

PrincessNutella · 03/01/2022 07:37

He's like a creepy character in a novel by Mary Kubika.

FindingMeno · 03/01/2022 07:51

He must be very charismatic is all I can think.
Like a cult leader.

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/01/2022 07:58

Well done OP on seeing the light and sending out the dump text. Now block him on everything, get rid of his stuff, change the locks etc.

Allycott · 03/01/2022 08:05

Fake post in my opinion. No one is this stupid as the OP is pretending to be.

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