Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

[user1481055867]

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

Well done on breaking up with him.

I know a man with an almost identical situation, two women in two European cities, one with one child of his, the other with two, also not "consecutive". He started dating a member of my ex's family and would go off every other weekend to one woman or the other. I know for a fact he was still sleeping with both of them (he told me!). Just utterly grim. You are well out of it.

Dump him. My guess is that whilst seeing you in the UK he also claims child benefit for his four kids which helps him fund his revolting lifestyle.

Poor women.

Long may this attitude last!

I’m French. It isn’t because he’s French. It’s because he’s a cunt.

Thank you for that. Spot on.

He’s a polygamist.

He's a misogynist.

Why not both?

Isn't the first ALWAYS the second?

Unless you can show me a polygamist where the woman has multiple husbands?

Why are you with this controlling loser? It’s ok for him to slit about the world staying in exes homes but they’re not allowed men in their home?

Such a huge red flag that he thinks his name being in the deeds gives him right to that level of freakish control. I hope they exercise every right they have and tell him to do one - I hope you also dump him OP before he does the same to you

At this point, when the OP has set the cat among the pigeons with some outrageous additions to the story then doesn't come back for ages, I start to wonder if we are being played for suckers.

Hugh Grant did similar, had a child with a Chinese woman, and then a Swedish woman and then another with the Chinese woman and then back to the Swedish woman and had another with her and then another Swedish one and is now married to the Swede!

I'd leave him now. He controls the lives of both of his exes, proclaiming he has a right to come and go as he pleases, but effectively preventing them from having new partners of their own? If he cared that much about their financial situation, he would have helped set them up when he first left and pay proper maintenance. Don't be his next victim.

He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes.

This is so horrifying I've committed the cardinal sin of not RTFT, I haven't even finished reading your OP.
FFS - what madness is this?
You know the way he treats his exes is the way he will treat you, don't you? As an object, as a possession.

Dump & run, you are with a right weirdo & no amount of financial success will compensate you for how his controlling behaviour will manifest.

He sounds awful. He's still controlling not one but TWO exes, essentially stopping them from moving on by not 'allowing' them to bring boyfriends home and citing some bullshit about it being for their own good financially - which stinks of financial abuse too. Letting himself into their homes? Christ on a bike.

Good on him for keeping up with his DC, but he's controlling 3 women here OP and you're one of them.

I'd throw this one back.

He also said they both harbor hope he will return.

He's already schooling you in the necessity of doing the "Pick Me Dance" in order to keep him. Letting you know he has willing alternatives, so you'd better be grateful & no make a fuss about his harem.

he's their fucking pimp ! and he's got them pregnant ! I would be seriously worried for these women and children !! this man needs reporting !

I agree with everything that everyone else has said.
I also don’t like how he sort of puts down these women as not able to survive on their own without his assistance in the city.
Name me any women that could thrive with two very young children, the father having no responsibility to look after the children on certain days so that they could work, meet someone new and save towards a property he doesn’t own and presumably paying no child support as he’s paying their mortgage.
Childcare bills would cripple her.
Also I think he’s a VERY shitty Dad for not wanting to see his children alone EVER.
If I suggested I was always present when my children’s dads see their children they would flip.

I wouldn't be getting serious with this man.

Read it dispassionately:
2 exes - not married (never married?) to either.
4 kids with 2 different women, in two different countries.
Third woman (you), on the go in a third country.

He doesn't sound like a winner to me.

@bg21

he's their fucking pimp ! and he's got them pregnant ! I would be seriously worried for these women and children !! this man needs reporting !

This response wins the internet today. What the fuck

LTB and block him to kingdom come! Run, run away and fast. No good can come of this relationship. I hope you’re able to stick to staying away from him.

To top it all he said only men should allow to do this as they know how to compartmentalise and women just fall in love and lose their heads.

How, in the name of all that is holy, did you submit to a second date with this arsehole? PP upthread was bang on when she said he has created his own personal Gilead.

This ridiculous man isn't your problem OP.
Your biggest problem is that there is something so seriously wrong with your self esteem that you continued seeing a man whose views & behaviour are so repulsive.

Can you do yourself a huge favour, & arrange some therapy?
Because until you start to explore where your self worth went, & understood what early life dynamics might have conspired to turn you into a woman who accepts such a dreadful man in her life, you are doomed to being controlled & manipulated by unpleasant & unworthy men.

You need to find your sense of self, so that you can become an assertive & confident person who doesn't get duped like this. Who sees the red flags. Who - on that first date - would have told Mr Gilead that you don't date misogynistic controllers, & walked right out of the venue & back to freedom.

Don't get pregnant by this man. Leave him. You can do so much better. It's such a weridset up. You can't change it, but you can leave. Don't get trapped. You can do so much better.

God, he's telling you all these things that raise many red flags ... what isn't he telling you? What's hiding under the surface - honestly, get out before you get too embroiled

in my line of work this kind if thing is very real sadly

what is your line of work bg21?

@user1481055867 you have taken some quite brutal comments with grace and calmness and I really hope you have broken up with him as you know you deserve better. If you don't, work on that. Take care and happy new year.

@SugarAndSpiceIsNice

This thread cannot be real ... Or is it the case of truth being stranger than fiction ... No one can be that naive.

@SugarAndSpiceIsNice

I know how it sounds, but it all unravels slowly and when person is being nice to you: flowers to your home and work, nice dinners, always calling and wanting to see you and full on wanting to be in your life. Some comments they make you brush off maybe is just a joke or whatever, after all most men would probably fancy an idea of an open relationship. As for women he never lied about, but the way he presented it as if it was all an accident and then as he left one for another it was as if there was a competition between them to have kids and keep him down, which does happen to men especially to successful ones. Having said that I do agree its definitely stranger than fiction.Worst of all how he is making the whole idea of open marriage marketable by saying how many women ( and i am 40 now) you know divorced or miserable because of infidelity, cannot hold on to their marriage or suffer years of husbands cheating etc, instead you let a man occasionally do something outside now and then on agreed terms and continue with marriage and its agenda as established by both partners in terms of wealth building and future goals etc, unaffected by smth as trivial as "extra- marital sex".

I am relieved and I am getting my sanity back as actually nobody in this thread agrees with his point of view, i thought there would be opinions in his defence.

So have you broken up with him, told him it's over @user1481055867 ?