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Original poster

Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

266 replies

user1481055867 · 02/01/2022 23:43

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

OP posts:
londonrach · 03/01/2022 08:10

Run ...he already got two wives!

BlondeDogLady · 03/01/2022 08:18

He's got 3 women on the go. 3 that we know of anyway. He stays in their houses. They share children. They want him back. They need to keep him sweet as he pays their bills. I wonder what goes on when the kids are in bed, the "ex" is in her little lacy number and the wine is flowing. What could go wrong?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 03/01/2022 08:21

The desperation of some women just astound me.

What is it with this trope that it's better to have any many at all, no matter how truly awful he is, rather than be alone?

Do.you have any respect for yourself?

What is it in you that is making you behave like this, just so desperate to have a man that you'll be with someone like this?

He is sleeping with them. Very possible one of them will get pregnant again in the future. He'll probably do the same to you. Pregnant, at home with kids, added to the cycle of women he visits whilst setting out his rule that you cannot see other men but he, as a man, can sleep around.

This guy was awful from the first date. And you've kept at it for years. You need therapy. I dont say that lightly but you do. There is something lacking in you if you thought this was the man to devote a few years of your life too. Get help.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 03/01/2022 08:35

Why on earth did you spend five minutes with this man once you discovered what was going on?

Cheersto2022 · 03/01/2022 08:38

If you aren't genuinely happy run for the hills, his children must be his priority.

SpinsForGin · 03/01/2022 08:45

@Cheersto2022

If you aren't genuinely happy run for the hills, his children must be his priority.
Given what the OP has written, his children definitely aren't his priority
Onairjunkie · 03/01/2022 08:45

This is insane.

I’m French. It isn’t because he’s French. It’s because he’s a cunt.

Briarshollow · 03/01/2022 08:46

@Cheersto2022

If you aren't genuinely happy run for the hills, his children must be his priority.
You read all that and got that his many, overlapping children were his priority?
paintfairy · 03/01/2022 08:47

Oh my days. I don't think any sane person even needs to ask this? Why do you need someone else to tell you how ridiculous this is?

And if he didn't want the kids why is he providing houses for them all? Just how much money does he have? Because paying towards them is one thing (and clearly needs to happen), literally keeping whole families financially, with sets of rules is another. 🤯

Suzanne999 · 03/01/2022 08:52

@user1481055867

He claims they could have relationships, but not when living in his homes, knowing they cannot afford to move and its hard to date as a single mum in a city with 2 small kids...He also said they both harbor hope he will return.I didnt mention the kids are not of consecutive ages but mixed across both relationships.
Can you see all those red flags waving ? His exes live in his properties where they can’t bring boyfriends ( control) He knows they cannot afford to move ( control) He comes and goes with his own keys ( control) They both harbour hope he’ll return ( control —- treat me nicely as I can go back to either of them) He was having relationships with both women at the same time……….

Do you really want to become number 3 to join this group?

TheWeeDonkey · 03/01/2022 09:07

He’s a polygamist.

He's a misogynist.

Why not both?

Well done OP, you've rid yourself of the excess weight for the new year. Enjoy your freedom in 2022

TheWeeDonkey · 03/01/2022 09:09

@Onairjunkie

This is insane.

I’m French. It isn’t because he’s French. It’s because he’s a cunt.

🤣
Fraternaltwin · 03/01/2022 09:10

If you’re not ok with him spending time with his children in their family homes over Christmas and new year then you need to walk away. Would you rather his children were dragged to another country to see their father just because it would make you feel better.

If you can’t handle this walk away, don’t start dictating how he sees his children. They were there long before you were.

Also he sounds like zero of a catch. You can no doubt do better.

StrifeOfBath · 03/01/2022 09:11

I am glad you are separating from him.

I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year

And yet you were happy to be in a relationship for two years with a man who treats women like possessions, a little harem, a collection of women under his control, kept trapped economically and emotionally because he impregnated them….

Take some time to reflect on your own needs and why you fell for this, didn’t recognise the horrible red flags, and were so desperate as to make excuses for his behaviour.

It’s work on yourself that is well worth doing, I talk from bitter experience! Good luck OP

CaMePlaitPas · 03/01/2022 09:16

Is he Muslim? Because this sounds like polygamy.

Ovenaffray · 03/01/2022 09:19

An AS was most illuminating.

Brigante9 · 03/01/2022 09:27

Just French?! No, just a massive loser. I hope you are in your own property.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2022 09:32

@Ovenaffray

An AS was most illuminating.
Yes I thought the same.
Roselilly36 · 03/01/2022 09:36

End the relationship, OP, or you could be one of the Ex’s in a year or two, that he keeps going between. You are worth more than that Flowers

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 09:40

It's not clear if you actually broke up with him or not. I hope you did, because from what you describe, he is a narcissistic, woman-hating, coercive controller. He thinks men should be able to have an 'open marriage', but not the women? How didn't you right-hook him across the cheek (I mean fantasise about it) for that I'll never know. So he has kids to two different women and is upset, blames them for 'trapping' him, but HE is the one who thinks men should be able to have many partners, and doesn't understand how his kids happened? Then controls who his exes have over their own home? He is a sociopath. The true makings of a woman-hating and vengeful controlling sociopath. Why would you want to 'force' yourself to give him a chance. I know what he should be given! And it's not a 'chance'. He is truly scum.

Fairylights25 · 03/01/2022 09:40

You are being played, he has told them he is 'working' overseas and comes back when he can to see his wives and families, all the while supporting both financially.

Run for the hills and then some!

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 03/01/2022 09:51

So you sent the break up text. I hope you changed the locks too as I doubt he's going to let you go until he's got mug number 4 lined up.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/01/2022 09:55

I’d dump him OP and run. I’ve dated a French man and known a few, a couple of North African. French origin too. On the whole most French men aren’t like this, though you can get exceptions to the rule. If he tells you sweeping statements about French men, honestly I’d ignore them. I’ve had this too, especially about Parisian men from one Hmm!

Leave him to carry on his own charade if dealing with these women and their kids and let him find another woman to hoodwink.

RoseSays · 03/01/2022 10:00

Jeez he sounds awful.

I hate how he's trapped these women and just uses them as his 'wives' and offers them no financial security, does he even like or love his children either?

LuluBlakey1 · 03/01/2022 10:01

Well done sending the message. You should now:

Block him
Not reply ever to any attempt to contact you
Never speak to him again
Never, ever consider any further contact with him- he is done with.
Stop yourself thinking about him.

You deserve better.