Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

[user1481055867]

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

No no you are a loon to get hooked up with this mess. All very shady ! He is looking for a trio of wives ! Run for the hills.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do not blame women at all, simply relaying his "narrative", though we all know women who would do exactly that - intentionally get pregnant for whatever reason.I think responsibility is mutual and has to be built on trust between partners. His argument was he was willing to support their education and everything else when studying, whereas they opted for an easier option (not my words).To me having kids by far not an easier option and them trying to find a partner who would accept them with young family and no economic independence, tough whichever way you look at it.

Is he from a culture that permits multiple wives?
He sounds awful and like others have said, controlling and sexist.
I'd run for the hills unless you want to be his next 'ex' thats not allowed a new relationship.

This sounds like a good novel! I just want to know what his WhatsApp said now!

Oh and yes OP run for the hills……

@ LadyJJ......exactly.............. he sounds as though he's behaving as some Muslims do...polygamy across borders. You're lucky you know about the other women OP. How on earth would he know whether the other women had men over, are they captive with Ring doorbells???? He's truly had lots of cake, eaten it all up and wants more. Glad you're smarter and have seen through his BS and glad you've told him to jog the hell on, you're not that desperate.

@LadyJJ Yes he is....

@Onesnowynight

Just looked it up, red wine courage.He responded to message prior, but read and ignored the break up one completely. He did tell me before that all his exes have one thing in common - keep coming back.

Yep what @Straighttalking1 said.
But at least you know about the others.
Get rid and find someone emotionally and physically available

Do they keep coming back, or does he ignore their attempts to push him away so he can hold on to the false belief that they always want him?

I cant see many women would want to keep going back to that. I really can't.

Please run and don’t look back

OP. He’s a thing, having looked at your other post: you know those married men who claim to have no sex life with their wives, oh poor poor men, and oh bitter bitter women blah blah… the thing is most are lying. It’s a story they tell. And women believe them, because they feel like the saviour, special, because, well it’s different if he isn’t actually having sex with another woman, I.e his wife….but, the thing: they are having sex with their wives.

Just like this man you have been (are?) involved with… he has sex with the mothers of his children every time he goes and stays.

And as we know from the series of ‘accidents’ he doesn’t use condoms.

Do you practice safe sex with him?

Anyway, you seem pretty hooked on the Kool Aid.

Fine if everyone involved wants to have open relationships, monogamy isn’t the only way to live. But if that’s the choice everyone needs to be clear, open confident and honest and not involved in misogynistic power and control games, in denial or vulnerable and needy.

Where do you place yourself?

@StrifeOfBath

OP. He’s a thing, having looked at your other post: you know those married men who claim to have no sex life with their wives, oh poor poor men, and oh bitter bitter women blah blah… the thing is most are lying. It’s a story they tell. And women believe them, because they feel like the saviour, special, because, well it’s different if he isn’t actually having sex with another woman, I.e his wife….but, the thing: they are having sex with their wives.

Just like this man you have been (are?) involved with… he has sex with the mothers of his children every time he goes and stays.

And as we know from the series of ‘accidents’ he doesn’t use condoms.

Do you practice safe sex with him?

Anyway, you seem pretty hooked on the Kool Aid.

Fine if everyone involved wants to have open relationships, monogamy isn’t the only way to live. But if that’s the choice everyone needs to be clear, open confident and honest and not involved in misogynistic power and control games, in denial or vulnerable and needy.

Where do you place yourself?

@StrifeOfBath

Thats the thing everyone only goes by what another person tells them. I ve been on both sides and like you say lies are told to all parties, thats why the whole idea of open marriage does not freak me out if done honestly and respectfully, but this is not even it. I will never fully know what is going on in those families , all i can do is accept or reject to be part of this, hence I posted this thread. He asked me to try again and promised that he will change how he manages this whole set up, but given how this holiday period went it tells me otherwise.There is a reason why i was hesitant and this whole thread confirmed it to me.

Sounds like you're lined up to be the third wife. Unfortunately for you Christmas and New years are taken so maybe he'll come visit you and your kids on Bonfire night or St Paddy's.

@user1481055867 - are you from a similar culture to him, that allows polygamy? Not that it sounds like he's married ANY of the women he's been with.

He's having a lovely time, isn't he - sharing his "love" around, having multiple children with multiple women - but he's not the one for you.

Despite his persistence and "niceness" (read: bait to suck you in), you're not in love with him, you don't even fancy him. It's Not Worth It.

Do not fall for his lies and weasel words, where he "promises" to try better.

Are you also living in one of his investment properties? If so, then move out to your own place as soon as you can - all the while you're in his property (if you are), he would see you AS his "property" too.

Good luck getting a clean break from him.

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

The not allowing his exes to bring new boyfriends into the house would be a huge red flag for me. He sounds mega controlling, I would be gone.

The ex gfs have the option to move. They have the option to say he can't stay. Is he very wealthy?

It sounds like things won’t change, I guess this is his only way of seeing his children regularly. He does sound like a control freak, he’s moved on but these ex’s not allowed men in his house. I think it’s best to move on, as he won’t change and it’s unfair to expect him to stop seeing his children

@user1481055867user1481055867

Is there any reason why you've gone into great detail answering @StrifeOfBath's questions but have avoided the question about whether you practice safe sex with this man? You've been asked repeatedly about your contraception situation with him and also asked repeatedly whether is in in some kind of cult/religion/culture where keeping multiple 'wives' and families is fairly normal practice and you have avoiding engaging with those questions too.

Any reason why? Are you PG or do you already have a child with him? Do you plan to?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I am not from that culture myself, but i am familiar with it as i worked in the region where its not religiously but culturally acceptable.My father with whom i didnt grow up was from similar culture.

I am completely independent from him and according to him is the kind of woman he wants to get married to and reason why he did not proceed to marriages in other relationships as they interrupted the plan of putting education 1st and preferred to have kids despite the agreement they had.
I live in my own property and dont own him anything, all he helps me with is some investments as thats his background.
We havent spoken since i sent that message and he hasnt come back from Europe yet, but in my mind its over...I think he is just waiting till he gets back to address it.He spent entire lockdown lingering in background and suggesting to get back.He doesnt mind the long game, persistent and patient unfortunately.

Totally the right decision to end it with him.

It doesn’t sound to me like they are exes, more polygamous wives.

“Doesn’t allow them to have other men in his properties” - what a controlling arse! Whilst he goes on to form new relationships. I’d run a million miles.

@NdujaWannaDance
Hi, i dont know i felt a bit uncomfortable.I ve had my own 2kids, so dont want anymore and i have a coil.1st time around when we met he insisted quite quickly going off condoms after us both doing tests.This time as i am still hesitant to get back i ve only seen him a few times and always used condoms. I do not want kids with him amongst other reasons that i am not in love with him at all.
On his culture yes, he is of west african origin and despite living, studying and working in europe, seems these cultural traits he kept.His father was like that with even more wives etc.
To be honest i should ve listened to my instincts when in his visits to my house he wont get up to do anything, when i said well you can also go and put the freaking kettle on he jokingly said i am used to women serving me, no matter who it is mum, sisters, coisins, girlfriends.If i am in a room with women i am not expected to be doing any of that.It was all delivered as a joke but i didnt like it and remember fuming about it and even telling my daughter.
I do get your point about contraception, looking at his kids DOBs, his 2nd woman fell pregnant with her 1st kid after just 7 months his 1st woman gave birth to her 1st.Awful..
Hope i answered your questions..since i started to discuss it, its been a bit miserable to be honest and knowing he will probably start his attempts to fix things as soon as he lands, hope not.

@RedHelenB
In the capital city they live its very bureaucratic and requires lots of paperwork and financial support documents, which they cannot provide as not working i assume or if do by now not anything enough to support themselves with 2 primary school age kids.

Not RTFT but voted YABU to even get involved with this man, the whole situation sounds like it will just cause you pain in the long run. I would cut your losses and dump him, honestly.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Yes thats the worse bit.Since i put this in a thread i ve been looking closely.His previous UK girlfriens b4 me broke up with him in Nov 2019 after about 9 months of dating just b4 i met him and his last child in Europe was born end of may same year....He is moving on alright..

Run a million miles away

Why on earth would you even consider that this might be reasonable? He sounds like he has multiple wives in different countries, you do not want to get involved in that!

So you don't love him, aren't attracted to him, he's not your type, he's a cheater, he believes in open marriage on his side only, he won't lift a finger around the house, he doesn't like using contraception. All I can say is WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?