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Original poster

Partner visiting children with his exes in their homes

266 replies

user1481055867 · 02/01/2022 23:43

My partner of 2 years works and lives in UK, but his kids from 2 previous relationships live in European capital with his 2 exes, in his homes with 2 kids each - all of primary school ages from 3-10.
The short of the story is that he visits them few weekends a month (1 per family) , birthdays and key holidays staying in their respective homes for duration of his stay. He owns those properties and comes and goes with his own keys as he pleases and does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes. His explanation that economically this set up makes sense as those women are unable to secure rent in their financial situation and since they were not married legal avenue is more problematic for all parties.
I guess at first, I couldn’t really say much, but as we get more serious I want to make it clear that I am not ok with him playing families with one ex and 2 kids during Xmas and then another for New Year, while I am back in UK feeling strange not knowing how to explain to family and friends the whereabouts of my partner during entire holidays.

I am pretty sure long-term I cannot tolerate this, but I don’t want to make a big fuss, as a mother I understand kids must come first. His previous girlfriend left him due to complexity of this situation and I am quite close, but I never had to deal with parenting set up in this way and dont want to be unreasonable.

Has anyone experienced something similar and is this at all acceptable?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 02/01/2022 23:45

I would not be getting serious with this man. He is a control freak who won't allow his ex partners to have relationships?

PurpleMarie · 02/01/2022 23:45

He sounds like a catch.

FreedomFaith · 02/01/2022 23:45

They sound like wives, not girlfriends.

Nostrings457 · 02/01/2022 23:46

Fair play to him for keeping contact however he does not allow them to bring boyfriends, sounds a tad controlling.

I’m not sure I could tolerate that long term either

ANameChangeAgain · 02/01/2022 23:50

I think we all know you can do better than this controlling misogynist.

Xmasgetaway · 02/01/2022 23:51

You can’t change the situation.
If you can’t accept it (understandably), you have only one option.

CrispAndFrosty · 02/01/2022 23:51

The thing I find weirdest about this is "he does not allow his exes to bring boyfriends into his homes". So, effectively, he has three wives (even if he's not sleeping with two of them, they have to be faithful to him while they're under his roof).

I mean, I definitely see the sense in not wanting the kids to have a rotating cast of live-in step dads. On the other hand, he seems to have been quite free and easy with his wild oats - four kids with two girlfriends in seven years?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2022 23:52

He sounds like an utter scumbag. Whether he's shagging either or both is frankly irrelevant.

negomi90 · 02/01/2022 23:53

There a million red flags all over this. Either he is still married to them or he is scarily controlling. He has keys and can go in at any time (I appreciate he lives far away, but its the ability that counts). He thinks he can control their personal lives even though he has split up from them. He's allowed to move on with you, but they can't have relationships. He is admitting to being financially controlling, what else is he doing which he isn't admitting to.

SarahDippity · 02/01/2022 23:54

What a pig. Hope you are using bulletproof contraceptive.

alwaysmovingforwards · 02/01/2022 23:54

To be fair, his particular set up with his ex partners is his and their concern. As you say, when it comes to kids, we all do some weird and wonderful things when putting them first.
All you can do us decide if the set up works for you. Either you can learn to live with it or you don’t and you end it.
To nag him that you’re not comfortable isn’t reasonable. He had this set up going on before he met you, it’s part of the package I guess.
Personally no, it wouldn’t work for me. I’d find someone else more compatible and aligned with my lifestyle. The world’s full of potential partners, why settle if you’re not happy?

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 02/01/2022 23:55

The not allowing his exes to bring new boyfriends into the house would be a huge red flag for me. He sounds mega controlling, I would be gone.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2022 23:55

Wow. How on Earth did you not run for the hills as soon as you found out that he controls who his exes see? That is awful. How can you think that's ok?
It's very weird that your problem with this is that he sees his kids, one would blooming hope so, it's pretty much the only normal thing going on here!

BooksAndGin · 02/01/2022 23:56

His ex left him because they are his wife's. You can't be that blind op.

DippingToes · 02/01/2022 23:58

He's clearly sleeping with them and sees that as his right as he houses them. Just try asking if you can travel with him next time and watch his excuses as to why you can't.

He's revolting and you need to get rid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2022 23:58

To be fair, his particular set up with his ex partners is his and their concern.

It's financial abuse and therefore everyone's business.

CanofCant · 02/01/2022 23:59

Jesus.

user1471457751 · 02/01/2022 23:59

Make sure you use condoms, otherwise he'll impregnate you a couple of times then ditch you for the next woman.

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2022 23:59

What exactly do you see in this man? He’s a misogynistic control freak who treats women as his own personal slaves. I would run a mile as fast as I could from him. How dare he treat women like this!

Noluthando · 03/01/2022 00:00

Sounds like he's got a nice little harem set up

Noluthando · 03/01/2022 00:00

Sounds like he's got a nice little harem set up

Original poster
user1481055867 · 03/01/2022 00:00

He claims they could have relationships, but not when living in his homes, knowing they cannot afford to move and its hard to date as a single mum in a city with 2 small kids...He also said they both harbor hope he will return.I didnt mention the kids are not of consecutive ages but mixed across both relationships.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 03/01/2022 00:01

You have a boyfriend with 4 young children from 2 different women. Leaving aside his controlling behaviour of his two exes, surely you can see that this alone means he is not a good long term prospect? Or short term.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2022 00:01

I didnt mention the kids are not of consecutive ages but mixed across both relationships.

The relationships overlapped? Did these women know?

blubberyboo · 03/01/2022 00:01

Hmm so he is allowed to have you as a girlfriend and presumably comes and stays in your home with you and your children, but he won’t afford the same freedoms to his exes???

I think this is a controlling monster.
He has them financially controlled with their housing situations and their love lives.

Honestly I’d have trouble believing they are his exes. They probably believe their boyfriend works abroad most of the year in the Uk

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