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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want to give DP’s son my car

184 replies

Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 20:49

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 07:22

Sell the car. If DP wants to buy it, fine. There's no point it just sitting there. Have you been running it at all?

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 07:24

I just read he doesn't work. Make sure DP doesn't start trying to pay his insurance out of your joint account.

Oblomov22 · 03/01/2022 07:47

Easier still, say no, and that you need the money. Sell it and then use some of said money as gift / part deposit for niece.

georgarina · 03/01/2022 07:53

It's a tough one...ordinarily I would say give it to DSS because otherwise it feels like you're creating a divide and saying you'll only give it to your family.

But if you don't have a close relationship and have never had that parent/child bond, I guess it makes sense to give it to someone you're closer to.

HesJustAPoorBoy · 03/01/2022 07:56

If my DH gave his old car to his DN and not to my DS (his Dss) who needed it, I would be pissed off

And I'd hope he'd be pissed off at your entitlement.

bowchicawowwow · 03/01/2022 08:00

Do either your niece or DSS want your old car? They may want to buy one of their own choosing.'

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 08:08

it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car

But you’d still rather sell than give to your stepson? It’s a bit mean spirited, isn’t it? It’s one thing preferring to give to your niece but just selling it rather than giving to DSS is shitty I think.

HesJustAPoorBoy · 03/01/2022 08:14

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car

But you’d still rather sell than give to your stepson? It’s a bit mean spirited, isn’t it? It’s one thing preferring to give to your niece but just selling it rather than giving to DSS is shitty I think.

WHY should she? Seriously why? She's not close to him. Why should she rather give it him for nothing than have the cash? She doesn't have a bond with him.
girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 08:14

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car

But you’d still rather sell than give to your stepson? It’s a bit mean spirited, isn’t it? It’s one thing preferring to give to your niece but just selling it rather than giving to DSS is shitty I think.

If you read her updates, it's worth more than she first thought.

The kid is also entitled, doesn't bother with his sibling and doesn't work.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 08:19

It’s her partner’s child and they have a child together themselves so probably life partner rather than casual boyfriend? If nothing else it would make him happy/he wouldn’t have to buy one himself. She has a car just sitting there and it’s worth nothing? Yes I’ve read the updates - most teenagers are pretty spoilt/entitled, nothing new there. But she’s going to have this person in her life forever so it’s just the nice thing to do. She could also get the DSS to work for the car.

LowlandLucky · 03/01/2022 08:40

The best way is not to give it to either of them, out it up for sale, any other action will cause bad feeling.

Suretobe · 03/01/2022 08:46

The posters slaying you for not being ‘close’ to your DSS are being unreasonable. It’s not a given that a deep relationship is going to develop between a teenager and his dad’s partner.
It’s your car to do what you like. If your DP wants to buy it to give to his son then that is certainly another option but DSS has two parents already and you should not feel guilted into a significant gift like this.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/01/2022 10:37

@saraclara

I don't understand why you would think the niece is immediate family. They aren't. Other cultures/countries aside of course. He is a child of the family the neice isn't.

If my DH prioritised his siblings children over his step children he wouldn't be my DH anymore. To me it speaks volumes about loyalty. The op can act however she wishes but I'd understand if it caused problems. It's for her to decide if it's worth it or not.

This is my take on it and see no need to justify it.

frazzledasarock · 03/01/2022 10:54

If my DH started making plans for my old stuff without discussing it with me I’d be pissed off.

And if my DH decided to give his old car to a member of his family I wouldn’t care, I provide for my dc and DH has been in my DC’s life a lot longer than OP has been in her DSS’s life. And none of my DC would automatically assume they would be getting DH’s property if he bought an upgrade. Why the hell would they?

My DH owes nothing to my DC from his personal disposable income, the fact they benefit from living under the roof he jointly pays for is already doing them a big kindness. And my DC know it.

Who would be a step parent with all these people thinking their child is entitled to their partners assets because they’re in a relationship with a person with a child. A child who the SP will most likely never see again if they split with the bio parent. A child who will never treat the SP on the same level as their bio parents.
And in this case a child who has at best a polite non relationship with his SP.

tcjotm · 03/01/2022 10:59

@Willyoujustbequiet fair enough in many circumstances but this is her twin’s child. For all we know, the niece might’ve grown up with identical appearing mother and aunt. Regardless, she says they’ve always been close.

If it were a matter of daily household living I would expect DSS would take precedence but when they don’t share the cost of their cars, why should she just hand over an asset?

Anyway, I think OP is sensible selling it and giving the niece money as a gift. That way it’s absolutely no one else’s business, it’s not coming out of joint funds and at least then the car isn’t there upsetting anyone. Since clearly it’s a divisive topic what a step mother does with her own money!

(I have had two step mothers and have zero interest in what they do with their money and their family. It’s certainly not my business. Even if it’s joint finances, it’s not my business what my father and step mother spend money on)

Nomoreusernames1244 · 03/01/2022 11:54

I take it most people responding have little concept of the implications of having a parent die as a child. Your dss has 2 parents living plus you in his life - I presume you gave him gifts and spent some time with him since you met

This.

XiCi · 03/01/2022 12:47

I don't understand why you would think the niece is immediate family. They aren't. Other cultures/countries aside of course. He is a child of the family the neice isn't
What absolute and complete bullshit. He is not a child of the OPS family. Its her boyfriends child. Her niece is her blood relative. She will be in her life always. People split from partners and never see their children again.

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/01/2022 12:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/01/2022 12:52

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@saraclara

I don't understand why you would think the niece is immediate family. They aren't. Other cultures/countries aside of course. He is a child of the family the neice isn't.

If my DH prioritised his siblings children over his step children he wouldn't be my DH anymore. To me it speaks volumes about loyalty. The op can act however she wishes but I'd understand if it caused problems. It's for her to decide if it's worth it or not.

This is my take on it and see no need to justify it.[/quote]
Is loyalty not reciprocal then?

Nomoreusernames1244 · 03/01/2022 14:20

If my DH prioritised his siblings children over his step children he wouldn't be my DH anymore. To me it speaks volumes about loyalty

The step child in this case has mum, dad, step mum, possibly step dad. All there for him, all financially supporting him.

O/p’s sister is a widowed lone parent.

Personally I think o/p’s sister needs more support. Regardless of family links and relationships, the niece will have more need of the car. Plus she is working and can pay her own insurance etc- Presumably dss can turn to the multiple adults in his life for that. Also he will have access to other cars he can go on the insurance for, he can drive mums, dads, step mums, he doesn’t need his own.

If i had an old banger I’d give it to someone who needed it, regardless of relationship. The kid down the road can have it to get to their part time job for all I care. My kids can go on my insurance, we don’t need to run another car just because they are related to me.

Babyghirl · 03/01/2022 18:05

@Cardilemma
Give the car to your dn, I have a ss and if I had a car and was giving it away I would give it to the one I was closest to, sorry but why should you give a car to someone who has never in the 6 years in his life wanted to spend time with you. Tell your dp that it's your car and your offering it to dn if he goes of in one remind him that it's your car and dss has his mum and dad to help him out dn only has mum.

Babyghirl · 03/01/2022 18:06

'her'

TractorAndHeadphones · 03/01/2022 21:27

@THisbackwithavengeance

If my DH gave his old car to his DN and not to my DS (his Dss) who needed it, I would be pissed off.

I would assume he wasn't invested in our family and didn't see us as a family unit. And this would colour our relationship.

I wish people on MN would stop treating DSCs like the random children of strangers to be tolerated at best or ignored. They are the children of the man you are supposed to love best in the world and quite often siblings of your own DCs.

At least muster up a show of enthusiasm for them.

Errr first of all OP and her DP are unmarried. Secondly treating like a 'family' goes both ways. OP's DS has made it clear that he's uninterested in her or her step sibling. She has tried. The niece is closer and they have an actual bond.

It's not a question of blood but how much actual parenting and OP has done zero for her stepson.

Your situation isn't the same it it?

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2022 21:28

He doesnt even live with them is an adult but op is expected to give ss her car?

TractorAndHeadphones · 03/01/2022 21:28

Also OP your niece probably needs the help with only one parent, and having a PT job.

Your step-son is set to have a cushy life with two parents paying for everything, he can sort himself out.

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