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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want to give DP’s son my car

184 replies

Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 20:49

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 23:46

You've been together 6 years. Your DSS was 13 when you started seeing his father. It wasn't your DSS's responsibility to try to overcome any 'distance'. It was your's. You're the adult.

No. It was his father's responsibility, as the parent bringing a new adult into his child's life, to lead the way in building a relationship between them. It does not all fall to OP. It doesn't sound as if he put much effort into that. And now he expects to play the big man by gifting his son a car that isn't his.
Whatever you do with it, OP, I wouldn't give it to this young man.

blubberyboo · 02/01/2022 23:48

I think you are perfectly reasonable to give it to your niece although in these situations it’s probably best to speak up about it sooner rather than later to avoid the risk of your DP promising it to him.

An easier solution might be to sell it and split the monies between all 3 children as a gift towards their future cars

Crazycrazylady · 02/01/2022 23:59

Honestly I will never understand the brigade who are so militant about step children having to be treated the exact same as their own children regardless of the circumstances.
The op met her partner when his son was 13, I'm assuming it was a yearfor two before they moved in together and at that stage the step son was 15.. i can totally understand that for a 15 year old , building a bond with his dads girlfriend at that stage was very low on his priorities. She did no parenting as such.. in these kind of circumstances it's bonkers to assume that they will have a close loving relationship nor imo do they need to as long as they are both respectful to each other.

APineForestInWinter · 03/01/2022 00:06

Offer to sell it at the going rate that wbac quoted. Give your niece first option if you prefer.

RobertsRadio · 03/01/2022 00:09

I wouldn't be letting these two males (DP and his son) dictating what I do with my own car that I'd paid for with my own money, they can get tae fuck with their demands and assumptions. Talk to your sister about your idea of gifting the car to your niece, or the money from the sale of the car and see what she thinks would be best, then take it from there. If your SS wants a car then his DM or DF can help him out or maybe he could get a job and start saving.

Don't let the male entitlement bully you into something against your will.

GarageMusicLover1980 · 03/01/2022 00:32

@maddy68

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list
Way down the list? Not in OPs family she isn't!! Have you read the thread? She's said how close they are!
Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2022 00:42

Your partner can not promise to give something to someone when he doesn't own it. That's your car, not his. Stop dilly dallying and tell him you're giving it to your niece.

Jux · 03/01/2022 00:57

Just tell your dp that you had wanted to give it to dn so hope he didn't offer it to dss, and then let him offer up solutions.

CJsGoldfish · 03/01/2022 01:15

I'd offer it to your niece and if she didn't want it for some reason, I'd give it to SS.
I'd also let him know that's the plan. Your DP that is. Needn't be a big deal 🤷‍♀️

TinyTroubleMaker · 03/01/2022 01:29

Second hand cars are currently going for ai least £2,000 over what they would have before lockdown, due to the low number of new cars produced. I had a mechanic recently advise me not to buy as its absolutely a sellers market. So best iron for OP here is to sell the car and bank the money. It could be used for one, both or neither of the kids.

The DP is being a CF. Has offered what isn't his, hasn't cost him anything. In a way that will make him look good but OP look bad if she says no, which she is perfectly in her right to do. He should have asked OP and he knows that. Otherwise why talk over her in a way that prevents her giving her opinion on her own car? If it were me I'd be non compliant with what he wants on principle in this instance. But keep your cool in doing it.

Inertia · 03/01/2022 01:40

You and your DP have separate finances, it isn’t your partner’s property to give away.

If he buys himself a new phone/watch/ laptop, do you get to decide which of your relatives to pass the old one on to?

I would just sell the car to a car dealer, take the emotion out of the situation. Your partner doesn’t get to decide that you don’t need your own money. You can then give your niece some of the money when a suitable occasion comes around e.g. birthday/ driving test congratulations.

Gooseysgirl · 03/01/2022 01:49

I would sell it and give DNiece followed by DSS first refusal on the sale. I certainly wouldn't just give it to either of them. Just knock the price down a little.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/01/2022 02:06

@saraclara

Because to me (and some other posters) a stepson who is brother to other dc and partners son is immediate family and therefore is more entitled than a niece.

All I'm saying I would understand if her partner resented it. It would make me question my relationship to be honest. The op is free to act however she wishes but she asked for responses and that's how I feel.

backtolifebacktoreality · 03/01/2022 02:10

It's your car to do what you want with. You bought it so why should you give it to you DP's son?

I'd either give it to your niece or sell it and get the money (your DP could buy it off you for his son)!

saraclara · 03/01/2022 02:14

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@saraclara

Because to me (and some other posters) a stepson who is brother to other dc and partners son is immediate family and therefore is more entitled than a niece.

All I'm saying I would understand if her partner resented it. It would make me question my relationship to be honest. The op is free to act however she wishes but she asked for responses and that's how I feel.[/quote]
The niece is genetically OP's family, as well as it being an emotionally close relationship for 18 years.

The step son is not genetically OP's family, and nor did they have a close relationship in the three or four years that it's estimated that they've known each other (in fact they barely spent any time together)

What is your logic for seeing stepson as OP's immediate family?

immersivereader · 03/01/2022 02:23

It’s my twin’s child, her father died when she was young and I’ve always been like a second parent to her.

^

Definitely give to dniece. But ask your twin sister, aka her mother first.

Hawkins001 · 03/01/2022 03:12

All the best op,

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/01/2022 04:42

OP if your car is reliable and has been well maintained with hopefully many more miles in it, then that counts for a lot in a car for your niece. Buying random cars second hand can be a bit risky. Your DP can always help his son source a suitable car: I don't see why yours should be co-opted for his son, just because he's had use of it all this time. It's a bit cheeky and proprietorial.

Twinkleylight · 03/01/2022 04:58

Ask him to check with his ex what the car situation is for their son, she might already have plans. You don't want to interfere in any car plans she might already have for her son's 1st car. Quite right too, you're the step parent so not your place here but your nice is getting the car. That's what you need to tell your partner. Quite simple.

anon12345678901 · 03/01/2022 05:26

I would give it to your niece or sell it. It's presumptuous of your partner to expect it for his son. He has 2 parents who could buy him a car. He wants a freebie for his son and all the glory.
Everyone's family dynamic is different, it's not always the case that a step child should be closer to you, so no idea why some people think it is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2022 05:48

I take it most people responding have little concept of the implications of having a parent die as a child. Your dss has 2 parents living plus you in his life - I presume you gave him gifts and spent some time with him since you met.

Your dn has only one parent and has missed out on so much already from this. The death of a parent as a child is devastating as I know too well. For this reason alone, you absolutely should give the car to your dn and explain this reasoning to your dp.

It would perhaps be different if your finances were merged. But they aren’t. And even if they were, I would expect a decent partner to understand exactly why due to her personal circumstances, your dn should have the car.

Your dss has both is mother and father to buy him a car. Why should it be up to you to do so?

tcjotm · 03/01/2022 06:24

@saraclara

Your DP buys the car from you, and gives it to his son. You give the money to your niece towards her first car.
This sounds like a great solution.

For another perspective, I’m a step child and I’d never in a million years expect my step mother to give me a car over her niece. She’s known her siblings her entire life, their children are naturally very important to her. A child of a twin must feel even closer. That doesn’t take anything anyway from me, I have my own parents.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/01/2022 06:38

If my DH gave his old car to his DN and not to my DS (his Dss) who needed it, I would be pissed off.

I would assume he wasn't invested in our family and didn't see us as a family unit. And this would colour our relationship.

I wish people on MN would stop treating DSCs like the random children of strangers to be tolerated at best or ignored. They are the children of the man you are supposed to love best in the world and quite often siblings of your own DCs.

At least muster up a show of enthusiasm for them.

liveforsummer · 03/01/2022 07:04

It's fine to want to give it to your niece but it would have been a less awkward conversation if you'd mentioned it at the time that dp had brought it up

ThinWomansBrain · 03/01/2022 07:18

have you checked that you niece is planning to learn to drive?
Admitedly I live in London, so good public transport, but not all of my friends children prioritise this.

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