Not want to give DP’s son my car

[Cardilemma]

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

I can understand your partner thinking it would be good first car for his son as lying spare. When you mention you have plans for it and it is not spare he should not object to that either.

It is a little awkward though for niece to get your car at same time step son also needs one. I would perhaps sell to niece at a good price. Or sell to dh at going rate to gift/sell to son.

Just sell it then problem solved as neither gets it. I would never hand on a car as if anything goes wrong with it (as presumably it will otherwise why have you bought a new one) you will feel guilty.

Yanbu. Myou already had an idea of what you might do with it.

But I’d definitely discuss it with DN in case she already has a plan for her first car. She may not want/need yours. In which case maybe DP could buy yours for his son.

Incidentally, my first car was from my mums twin sister 😊

If the car isn't worth a huge amount and you wouldn't give your own child a car why give it to either of them? Sell it and split the money giving them both a little step up towards their first cars. Even if it's a few hundred pounds each it's a good start.

just say you werea saving it for dn its your car not his

You could say something like 'when you brought up your DS's driving test the other day I didn't have a chance to tell you what I've been thinking about doing with my car...' and then tell him about your DN. But I would absolutely check with your sister first in case she's got a plan. You don't want to tell him 'No' if your Dsis doesn't want the car for her DD.

@HollowTalk

This is ridiculous - you don't share your cars and you don't share your spare money. Of course you can give your car to your niece and your partner shouldn't say a word about it. He can buy his son a car if he wants to, given you don't share all your money. He wants the glory of handing over the car without actually paying for it. Stand your ground on this one.

This.

It’s a faff buying a cheap second hand car especially now when there’s a short supply. You don’t share enough of your lives to justify giving it to DSSl

Neither. What if you give one of them the car, and heaven forbid, they have an accident in it?
Then you will be worrying that it was your fault.
If you want to be generous, sell the car, give them some money as a present towards a car, once they have passed their tests.

I agree with those saying sell it and give them something towards a car.

Agree 2nd car selling for cars not worth much can be a faff

If you had no one else who you could give the car too and instead sell it to we buy any car or someone for hardly any money then it might seem a bit harsh however you’ve got your niece

Ask your sister and if she’s ok give her the car

Firstly I think it is HUGELY presumptuous of him to say he like to give a car he never paid for to his son.

Hugely presumptuous.

Secondly, second hand cars have jumped in value because of delays in production through Covid.

I definitely think your sister needs to be spoken too.

A car is a big responsibility.

I would check out its value.

You might be very happy to stash that money in an account for your childs college fund.

I dislike people being generous with the property of others.

It's CF territory.

How will DN afford the insurance and petrol etc for the car if she takes it? It’s on going costa and not just the car.

Same question for DSS will he need financial assistance for the car?

Maybe the best thing to do would be to sell the car & split the money to pay for DS & DN’s first insurance when they’ve funded a car themselves.

Or ‘assume’ that DP meant that he is going to buy the car off you for his DS.

The first thing is to get the car valued.

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list

This may be the case in your family dynamic but it’s not mine. It’s my twin’s child, her father died when she was young and I’ve always been like a second parent to her. She’s more of a sibling to my DD than my partners son is and I will always have a closer relationship with her. On paper - yes, in reality - no.

Anyway..
I have checked the webuyanycar and it’s worth slightly more than I thought. Maybe I will just sell it and put the money away for DD in future to save all the faff.

@mangoandraspberries

Tough one, I can understand why you'd want to give to your niece.

However, you have a DC with your DP, so I assume you see yourself with him for the long term? If so, I would think carefully before you choose another teenager over his son - it may come back to bit you later if he sees it as you prioristing someone else.

I agree with this.

If the OP had said right away "oh, I've already promised it to DN" that would have been fine but to do it later inevitably comes across as "I've thought about it and I don't want to give it to your son." If I was the DP I'd probably feel hurt, unreasonably or not.

Can your DN / DSis afford to run a car for her? The insurance for young people is extreme.

And does DN want it, would your DSis be happy for you to do this?

If yes all round, fine, tell your DP that you had mentally earmarked the car for your niece.

But don’t mention the comparisons with DSS about how they engage with your child etc.

You do sound distant and not engaged with your DSS, which is a bit sad. Great he likes to go off and so sport / have quality time with his Dad, that doesn’t mean you can’t make your own relationship with him.

Sell the car and keep your money. You don't need to give it to anyone, less issues that way.

@BluebellsGreenbells

They’re both at college, DN works part time too so could probably afford to run it (it’s relatively cheap to insure/run) DSS doesn’t work and wouldn’t be relying on DP/his mum to pay insurance etc. I had took the running costs into consideration when I considered giving her it.

What kind of car is it?
It may be either uninsurable or too expensive to insure either of them

You do sound distant and not engaged with your DSS, which is a bit sad. Great he likes to go off and so sport / have quality time with his Dad, that doesn’t mean you can’t make your own relationship with him

Irrelevant to thread but you’re right it is a distance relationship. I have tried (without over stepping mark) but it’s without doubt he’s not really interested in a relationship with me or DD. No hostility just not interested.

My nephew was given his grandmas car about 4 years ago
It’s a millstone
To insure it is more than he would have to pay to buy and insure a better car

@Cardilemma

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list

This may be the case in your family dynamic but it’s not mine. It’s my twin’s child, her father died when she was young and I’ve always been like a second parent to her. She’s more of a sibling to my DD than my partners son is and I will always have a closer relationship with her. On paper - yes, in reality - no.

Anyway..
I have checked the webuyanycar and it’s worth slightly more than I thought. Maybe I will just sell it and put the money away for DD in future to save all the faff.

I totally get that your niece means more to you than your DP's son, and I think DP has a cheek expecting you to give his son your car.

However, as you haven't mentioned giving your niece the car to either DP or your twin, maybe selling it is the best solution.

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list

O/p said she wouldn’t just give her own child a car. She’s expect them to work for it. So give the niece the car and dss can work for his. Then she’s treating them the same.

My dss was given a car by his uncle. No one has given my ds a car. Sometimes you just cannot treat stepsiblings the same, they will get things off one parent that the other won’t.

You've been together 6 years. Your DSS was 13 when you started seeing his father. It wasn't your DSS's responsibility to try to overcome any 'distance'. It was your's. You're the adult.
I voted you WBU because I agree with a PP that a DSS should be viewed as a closer circle of relative than a niece.
And, as you pointed out yourself, since you never mentioned you were giving the car to your niece, it does look as though you're casting around for someone to give the car to, just to stop your DSS getting it.

I would absolutely give your niece the car, I think that would be a lovely thing for you to do for her.

I also think that your DP knew exactly what he was doing when he mentioned it in conversation and then carried on without letting you answer. Putting that seed in your head that your car is going to his son. Cheeky fucker. It is not his car to give. I'd tell him asap you have promised it to your niece. If he wants to buy his son a car that's up to him.