Not want to give DP’s son my car

[Cardilemma]

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

@HikingforScenery

I think you should give it to your DP’s son. You’re together and as far as possible, are supposed to treat his DS as your own. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want him to give it to your DC?

Your SS is due to sit his test soon so hopefully, will be ready to drive soon. Your DN could be a while away from using the car.

If the car isn’t going to fetch much if sold, just give it to him. Maybe you could save and give something to your niece towards a car.

Abbbbsolutely no way!!! Save for your neice when the car is sitting there ready?! Why should op save and nit her DP?

Op please give it to your niece. I get you will feel bad but your DP is soooo cheeky for offering your car to his son or even suggesting it!

@Cardilemma

Of course not. Say no. What’s the worst that’ll happen?

I think I’m just worried it will make me seem a bit horrible to give it to my niece and not his son

Why?

If DP wants to give his son a cheap car, he can buy one.
It's very arrogant of him to assume he is entitled to give your possessions away.

I voted you WBU because I agree with a PP that a DSS should be viewed as a closer circle of relative than a niece
Why? The OP has already explained why this isn't the case. I can't imagine ever thinking of a partners child as closer than my nieces. My own sisters children that I've been close to since the day they were born.

Your DP is being a CF presuming he can give something away that's not his. I agree with pp he wants the kudos of giving his son a car without having to pay for it. If he was swapping his car and you told him you were giving his old one to your niece what would he say??

An option would be to sell it to your dp for half price to give to his son and then give the money to your dn towards her first car.

But that would only work if you have separate finances, or semi-separate, I guess.

He mentioned wanting to give him it in conversation regarding his lessons and test, then kept speaking so he didn’t really ask me as such.

It's not his gift to bestow. It's quite hard to believe the fucking cheek of him, frankly.

@PersonaNonGarter

You sell the car or you give it to DS. I really don’t think you can give it to your niece. It just seems a bit bitchy. Of course you can do what you want but it is a bit mean.

In what possible way is it mean? He's not her son and she sounds closer to her niece.

Just because he happens to be her partner's child doesn't mean she has to do anything.

@maddy68

What ?

Every family dynamic is different

I see you might sell the car now in which case fair enough. I do think it would be a nice gesture to give it to DSS though. Teenage boys are often not the most social towards family and that could be a factor into him not making a great effort towards you and DD. It could mean a lot to him that you thought of him in this way.

Why can't you pretend that you don't remember your DP saying he wanted car for his son? He's said it on purpose to avoid asking you. But you can play this to your advantage by pretending that you didn't remember, because he just 'mentioned it in passing;.

You can own a car with a provisional license - you just can't drive it without an accompanying full license holder

Give /sell (for a nominal fee) to your niece now, and then fake a surprised look if your DP objects

Honestly if you don't understand why a DSS - the step-brother of your DC - the DS of your partner - a child who entered your life when he was only 13 - is a closer circle of relative than your niece then I can't explain it to you. But, let's try. On a very basic level, OP has no formal parenting (step, shared or otherwise) role in her niece's life.

It's storing up trouble for OP to constantly treat her DSS as someone who isn't really related to her and her DC; and to blame someone who entered her life as a child, for having a distant dynamic.

If you’re giving it away I think your child’s sibling should probably be first in the queue

I don't get this at all. Why?

She isn't close to him. Why on earth does it make any difference that he's her child's sibling?

If my step child's mum has a car to give away should my child be first in line because he's her children's sibling? 🤣

@HikingforScenery

I think you should give it to your DP’s son. You’re together and as far as possible, are supposed to treat his DS as your own. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want him to give it to your DC?

Your SS is due to sit his test soon so hopefully, will be ready to drive soon. Your DN could be a while away from using the car.

If the car isn’t going to fetch much if sold, just give it to him. Maybe you could save and give something to your niece towards a car.

Oh just give it to your SS..and give it happily.. he will be so thrilled and will make him see you in a new light. Getting your first car is a big deal so you will enjoy seeing him excited. Make sure you give it to him..not dp..so you get the glory. He is family now and this will be a memory he will always have. To give it to your niece would be cruel.

I think you'd be setting up a bit of a rift with your DP and would cement the distance with your DSS if you give the car to your niece.

I don't think that means you should give it to DSS, but no matter how close you are to niece, unless she's living with you and you're her guardian, it's going to seem like a bit of a rejection of DSS.

Selling it seems significantly less fraught, relationship wise.

@Dasher789

I see you might sell the car now in which case fair enough. I do think it would be a nice gesture to give it to DSS though. Teenage boys are often not the most social towards family and that could be a factor into him not making a great effort towards you and DD. It could mean a lot to him that you thought of him in this way.

And let OP's DP get away with looking like the hero, at OP's expense? Absolutely not

@ShinyHappyPoster

You've been together 6 years. Your DSS was 13 when you started seeing his father. It wasn't your DSS's responsibility to try to overcome any 'distance'. It was your's. You're the adult. I voted you WBU because I agree with a PP that a DSS should be viewed as a closer circle of relative than a niece. And, as you pointed out yourself, since you never mentioned you were giving the car to your niece, it does look as though you're casting around for someone to give the car to, just to stop your DSS getting it.

OP has already explained the distance. She's made appropriate effort - short of imposing herself on an unwilling child, what do you expect her to have done, @ShinyHappyPoster? The stepson is perfectly happy with the relationship being at a remove - it would have been ill mannered to push a fake closeness at him.

And what with the "should" in instructing OP that she ought to view the DSS as a "closer circle of relative"? She's not dead, & this isn't a court of law weighing up who gets to inherit her assets FFS.

It's also totally irrelevant. She wants to give her niece her car. End of.
If her DP wants to give his son a car, he's at perfect liberty to do so. He doesn't get to dispose of OP's possessions as if the belong to him. It's just not his call.

@ShinyHappyPoster

Honestly if you don't understand why a DSS - the step-brother of your DC - the DS of your partner - a child who entered your life when he was only 13 - is a closer circle of relative than your niece then I can't explain it to you. But, let's try. On a very basic level, OP has no formal parenting (step, shared or otherwise) role in her niece's life.

It's storing up trouble for OP to constantly treat her DSS as someone who isn't really related to her and her DC; and to blame someone who entered her life as a child, for having a distant dynamic.

Because people don't always work off who others think you should be closer to in a family.

What difference does it make if you, a randomer on the internet, thinks OP should have a closer relationship with her partner's son than her niece. She doesn't have a closer relationship with him than her and that's the way it is in her family.

I'm closer to my Gran than my mother. Technically if you're getting all robotic and unemotional about it my Mum is my "closer circle of relative". And? It makes jack shit difference to our actual situation in that I am closer to my Gran 🤷‍♀️

And "on a basic level", not all step parents have a parent - child relationship with their partners children either. A lot don't. Especially if they enter that child's life when they were already a teen. It's very simplistic to assume they would.

Speak to your sister if she’s happy about it give them cat to your niece. When your DP asks about it tell him you’ve finally got around to giving your car to your niece as you planned.

You both have separate finances in terms of cars and personal expenditure why is your P deciding how to dispose of your assets unilaterally? Would he be compliant if you decided to give away his belongings?

@ChargingBuck

He mentioned wanting to give him it in conversation regarding his lessons and test, then kept speaking so he didn’t really ask me as such.

It's not his gift to bestow. It's quite hard to believe the fucking cheek of him, frankly.

All this. The DP is a CF.

@maddy68

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list

nonsense, it's not like the DS and her DD grew up together since he was 3 or something and he had been spending EOW, a weekday nights and half of all school holidays etc with OP.

its been 6 years, where she barely spent time with him, because the son wasn't interested - and for the last 2, even less interest...

I never understand this BS on here as if you just automatically love a child like your own purely because they are your partner's child, it doesn't matter if you aren't close to them, if you don't really have a bond or they don't really want a relationship with you. The simple fact they were created by your partner means you instantly love them when you meet them at 13 years old, more so than other members of your own family who've you've known since birth.

It's so fucking weird.

I don't love my step children just because they were fathered by my husband. It doesn't work like that. I like them because they are nice children who I have an individual relationship with, it's actually fuck all to do with their parentage and I wouldn't love them at all if I didn't have a close relationship with them, it would make no odds that their Dad happened to be my husband.

Can of worms. Sell the car is the best thing to do imo.

@WiddlinDiddlin

'Sorry, I'd already decided to give the car to my neice when she's ready, that's why I've kept hold of it'.

No need for further discussion, I don't see that it is wrong of your DP to ask... but once told no, you have other plans that should be an end to it, without any huffy grumpiness.

This. Job done ✔️

Give your niece the car instead