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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want to give DP’s son my car

184 replies

Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 20:49

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 02/01/2022 22:42

[quote Cardilemma]@PersonaNonGarter

Yes this was my worry, because I hadn’t mentioned giving it to my niece yet I had feared it would come across bitchy to do it now.[/quote]
Just tell him!

He probably thinks it's going spare, but it isn't. The sooner you put him (and his DS) straight the better. Why are you wasting time asking people on Mumsnet?

HesJustAPoorBoy · 02/01/2022 22:43

Surely the only reason it would be a can of worms is if the son felt entitled to it? Why would he when he has no relationship with OP?

I never really got on with my Dad's girlfriend. She was okay but we didn't have a close relationship at all, just polite chat really when I saw her. I don't even think id know if she gave her car to her niece? What on earth would it have had to do with me? Not a single part of me would have expected it to go to me Confused

Would the son even know? Unless he's literally expecting your car (why would he be unless he's an entitled so and so), why would he even know you'd given it away?

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 22:51

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

Just say to your dp 'you mentioned the other day about your ds having my old car, I'd already decided to give it to dn. thought I best let you know before you mentioned it to your ds.
This.

No drama

mumshouse · 02/01/2022 22:53

Tell him that you'd been planning to call your sister to ask if your niece would like the car. It would be a weird thing for him to get upset about.

I think I would feel a bit differently if you had any kind of bond with your stepson, or if you were a SAHM and your DH paid the majority of the bills. But he's had nothing to do with the purchase or maintenance of either of your cars, so it's nothing to do with him.

Original poster
Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 22:56

Unless he's literally expecting your car (why would he be unless he's an entitled so and so)

Actually he said about wanting the car when he learned to drive a few years back (knowing it would be paid off and I’d probably have a new one by then). Perhaps he’s asked DP about it and that’s why he’s said. I don’t really know. He is a bit entitled and I don’t really think he’d appreciate it at all. More like a school boy receiving his lunch money.

I really hope that DP hasn’t promised it to him. I ought to speak to him about it tomorrow after I’ve decided finally what do to with it (probably sell) then have the matter put to bed completely.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/01/2022 22:56

I really hope you give it to your niece OP. Your DH is being very manipulative. It’s not his car to give.

Muchmorethan · 02/01/2022 22:57

In light of it being worth more then you thought, maybe sell it and give some money to the neice, DSS and your DD?

Kjr33 · 02/01/2022 23:01

Can’t ss have it until niece is ready? It could take ages (covid) for her to be ready and small old cars (I’m guessing) are best continually driven rather than sat still. You might find you end up denying ss a car that is then dead before niece is ready for a car then nobody ends up with it……seems pointless and unnecessarily stubborn. Maybe you and oh and stepson can come to an agreement where there is money put aside for niece to go toward a car if this one goes to ss ? I just don’t think having a car sitting around (seizing up and battery going flat etc) that could be being used is a sensible idea.

GoldSilverGlimmer · 02/01/2022 23:03

I’d give it my niece, stepson, will have family of his own to provide for him

oknowimscared · 02/01/2022 23:08

Sell it. Buying your first car is a milestone. Don’t deny DN or DSS that.

saraclara · 02/01/2022 23:13

@maddy68

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list
No they shouldn't. Not always.

OP and her DP have separate finances, and OP has never been the boy's parent in any sense. He came into her life when he was practically a teen and she hardly ever saw him when he visited his dad.
She's had very little to do with him, while her niece has been part of her life fsince she was born

No way should a niece who she's close to and much more part of her life be "way down the list"

MiddleParking · 02/01/2022 23:16

@ShinyHappyPoster

Honestly if you don't understand why a DSS - the step-brother of your DC - the DS of your partner - a child who entered your life when he was only 13 - is a closer circle of relative than your niece then I can't explain it to you. But, let's try. On a very basic level, OP has no formal parenting (step, shared or otherwise) role in her niece's life.

It's storing up trouble for OP to constantly treat her DSS as someone who isn't really related to her and her DC; and to blame someone who entered her life as a child, for having a distant dynamic.

Just because you say it doesn’t make it so. My sister and I consider each other’s kids to be pretty nearly our own, we’re named as guardians in each other’s wills etc. She wouldn’t bat an eyelid if she never saw her partner’s children again (actually, she’d be glad).

That said, in OP’s position I’d go for the option of selling the car and saving the money for my own DC’s future car.

Saracen · 02/01/2022 23:16

This may seem off topic but... are you SURE your old car would be cheap for an inexperienced young driver to insure? I pay very little to insure my car... which was just given to me by my 24yo niece because she'd inherited it but couldn't afford the insurance at her age. Niece already had one with a smaller engine.

For a young driver, often the cost of a secondhand car is insignificant in comparison with paying to insure it. They need to choose their car very carefully. Yours might not be suitable.

If this particular car would be too expensive for either your niece or your stepson to insure and drive, the whole discussion of who you're giving it to would be moot. In that case you'll have to dispose of it in some other way, and nobody's feelings would be hurt.

saraclara · 02/01/2022 23:16

Your DP buys the car from you, and gives it to his son. You give the money to your niece towards her first car.

BarkminsterBlue · 02/01/2022 23:19

I'm glad you've checked the current value - used cars have shot up recently.

Anordinarymum · 02/01/2022 23:20

I do not think you should be giving either of them the car. They should buy it

Dashel · 02/01/2022 23:21

I would tell your sister the value of the car and ask if she wants to buy it off you for that price, if she says no then I would ask DP if he wants to buy it off you at the same price and if he says no then sell it else where.

We have always given family members or friends first dibs when selling cars, but it is for the market price.

TwistedMermaid · 02/01/2022 23:22

How much is the car worth? I’d probably come to an agreement, offer it on a first come first served basis, to whichever one (DSS/DN) would like to buy the car at 50% of it’s value and give the cash to the other one, to go towards the cost of another car.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2022 23:22

I think it would look a bit odd if you gave it to your neice. I think a child of the family trumps a neice tbh. Obviously it's your decision at the end of the day but I'd take issue with it if I was your DP

saraclara · 02/01/2022 23:31

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think it would look a bit odd if you gave it to your neice. I think a child of the family trumps a neice tbh. Obviously it's your decision at the end of the day but I'd take issue with it if I was your DP
It's OP's car. What right would a partner of six years with separate finances and car, to take issue with OP doing whatever she wants with her own property?

Her niece is her family and has been for 18 years. His son is someone who she's barely interacted with, it seems.

user1471519931 · 02/01/2022 23:34

Just comment to him how fun it will be to help his son find his first car, download the autotrader app, go visit sellers, look FB and local dealers, do test drives etc...a nice project for them 😁

SuperSange · 02/01/2022 23:34

If DP wants his son to have the car then he can buy it from you, can't he? Unless he's expecting a freebie of course. Hmm

OwMyToe · 02/01/2022 23:36

He's not your child, and you don't even have much of a relationship with him. If the car were jointly-owned/-financed, it would be different, but the car is yours. I think you should say it's been your plan to give it to your niece (whether or not that was actually already in your head to do or not), and he can help his son with an inexpensive car, from his own cash.

Ellowyn · 02/01/2022 23:42

Oh just give it to your SS..and give it happily.. he will be so thrilled and will make him see you in a new light. Getting your first car is a big deal so you will enjoy seeing him excited. Make sure you give it to him..not dp..so you get the glory. He is family now and this will be a memory he will always have
To give it to your niece would be cruel

So you're suggesting buying his love? If so, that is a really bad thing to do especially as he feels entitled to it and would not be excited. The niece is close to the OP, has done babysitting and other favors, she deserves it much more than he does. Also niece could afford to run it as she has a job and he doesn't.

JacquelineCarlyle · 02/01/2022 23:44

Please give it to your niece Op - given the relationship you have with her, she is absolutely the right person to have it.

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