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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want to give DP’s son my car

184 replies

Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 20:49

For context;
Been with DP 6 years, we live together and have a joint account for joint finances we pay. Other bills we pay individually and keep what’s left after (much the same). We have one DC together and his DS is 18.

So to the point of the thread..
DP’s son is due to sit his driving test soon. I recently got a new car and still have the old one, it’s not worth much to sell but would give someone a good turn as a first car. DP and I have paid for our own cars separately but are insured to drive each other’s and often do. Technically separate in way of ownership and having paid for but very much used mutually. DP had expressed he would like to give his son the car.

I however don’t. I have a niece similar age who I’m very close to (my twin’s DD) and is also doing her driving lessons but not quite ready for test yet. She has always been a massive part of my life and has also been a huge part of my own DD life, from baby sitting a few hours here and there to taking her out to the park etc. She’s been brilliant with her.

DP’s son on the other hand I’ve never had much a relationship with, he stayed with his dad (and me when we moved in together) every weekend but they two would usually spend weekend out together and I worked shifts so wasn’t always home. We did do somethings together but it was clear he’d rather spend the time at football etc with his dad so I left them to it. He stopped staying regularly when he was about 16 and just started visiting as we only live a bus ride away. He’s never expressed any interested in our DD (which is fine, I get babies and toddlers aren’t usually teenage boy’s thing)

So my dilemma is, I worked hard to pay for that car and if I was to give my car away for free to anyone I would rather it be my DNiece.

AIBU for wanting to say no?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 02/01/2022 21:08

If he hasn’t paid for it, he gets zero say in how you dispose of it. In your position I’d give to dn now.

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 21:10

Just tell him you are going to offer it to your niece

If she doesn’t want it then the son is welcome to buy it for xxxx

And if he complains point out that it’s your car, not his and you can do as you wish with it

Hb12 · 02/01/2022 21:11

If he mentions it again just say you'd already decided to give it to neice.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 21:12

He better not have mentioned it to his DS. It's not his to give away.

alwaysout · 02/01/2022 21:12

Have you asked your dtwin if she'd mind if you gave dn the car?
I'd actually be a bit annoyed if my sister gave my dd a car. It's something my kids will have to work towards not just be handed.

If she's up for it fair enough but if she's not it might help you answer the question.

viques · 02/01/2022 21:14

If I were you I would arrange for the car to be taken to your sisters house ASAP. Out of sight out of mind as far as your partners son is concerned.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/01/2022 21:14

Speak up!

I absolutely would be giving/selling it to my niece....

Especially as you're so close to her and you you seem to keep your finances separately,

M0rT · 02/01/2022 21:15

I think your DP was chancing his arm mentioning giving his DS "your car" and moving the conversation on as if it wasn't your decision.
My DH asked me before using my old phone when his broke!
Just sign the car over to your niece and drop it over.
If your DH asks where it is say I finally got around to dropping it over to niece.

Murdoch1949 · 02/01/2022 21:16

It’s totally up to you. If your partner wants to get his son a car, fine, but your car can go to whom you choose. Imagine you gave it to his son and he tired of it or thought it too uncool and traded it in within weeks!

BungleandGeorge · 02/01/2022 21:19

How much money is it worth? Maybe ask your partner for whatever you’d have got if you part exchanged? If you’re giving it away I think your child’s sibling should probably be first in the queue. It could also be sat there for months before your niece passed her test (and she may have other plans for a car)

Original poster
Cardilemma · 02/01/2022 21:22

Have you asked your dtwin if she'd mind if you gave dn the car?
I'd actually be a bit annoyed if my sister gave my dd a car. It's something my kids will have to work towards not just be handed.

I hadn’t actually even thought of this. But I wholeheartedly agree and wouldn’t give my own child their first car for that reason. I do think it’s something that should be worked towards and then it’ll more likely be appreciated and looked after. Food for thought certainly.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 02/01/2022 21:27

Your car your choice!

LuluBlakey1 · 02/01/2022 21:27

Sell it to your niece for less than it is worth eg worth £2000, sell it to her for £500- so she has to save up but you are still helping her. Definitely ask DSis first though.

Iloveacurry · 02/01/2022 21:31

If you were to sell, how much would you get? If you don’t give it to your niece, your sister might have something planned herself, can you sell it to your DP for his son?

TakeMe2Insanity · 02/01/2022 21:31

You say the car isn’t worth much, I say go and look on one those sites like webuyanycar and you’ll be shocked at the value! We’ve just a sold a car which pre covid was worth £50, for £400! So definitely look at its current value.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

Witchlight · 02/01/2022 21:31

What about selling it and splitting the proceeds to DN and DSS.

They then have to earn the other half of the car.

Or, tell DP he has to compensate you half the value of the car, if he wants to give it to his DS- you can then donate the half to DN

FindingMeno · 02/01/2022 21:32

Surely its your sibling who is responsible for your neices car, if anyone.
I would pass it on to your partners son if it's a ltr.

Longdistance · 02/01/2022 21:34

It’s your car, it’s got nothing to do with your dp whatsoever who you give the car to. I hope he hasn’t mentioned it to his ds as it’s not his to give away.

thirdfiddle · 02/01/2022 21:34

Running a car as a young person is hideously expensive. Are you sure either of them actually want one let alone this specific one? The cost of the car itself is the smallest part. Insurance is huge. Fuel. Maintenance - old cars often cost 100s a year as various components wear out. Running a car basically not sustainable till you're working FT.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2022 21:36

This is ridiculous - you don't share your cars and you don't share your spare money. Of course you can give your car to your niece and your partner shouldn't say a word about it. He can buy his son a car if he wants to, given you don't share all your money. He wants the glory of handing over the car without actually paying for it. Stand your ground on this one.

JohnSmithDrive · 02/01/2022 21:38

These relationships always puzzle me on MN.

To me, you just say "oh, I'd planned to give it to DN", when he mentioned it and open a discussion. I wouldn't want to live with someone I couldn't have that conversation with.

Floralnomad · 02/01/2022 21:41

YANBU , but you are wrong about them appreciating the car more if they’ve paid for it - that is totally dependent on the person in question . Our son was given his first car and really appreciated it . Just ask your twin if they want if for your niece .

Rainbowqueeen · 02/01/2022 21:42

I think your DP is being a bit presumptuous. He should have asked you if you had any plans for the car.

I would stick with your plan of giving it to your niece, subject to her parents approval. Or sell it - the value of second hand cars has risen considerably.

For me it’s a combination of irritation at your DP for just assuming he has control over what you do with your own possessions and women supporting other women - we get the short straw on so many things in life including lower salaries and it sounds like your niece deserves it

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 21:42

@FindingMeno

Surely its your sibling who is responsible for your neices car, if anyone. I would pass it on to your partners son if it's a ltr.
Why? She's closer to her niece and was never a parent to her partner's son.
maddy68 · 02/01/2022 21:43

Eh???? Give him the bloody car. A step son should be treated the same way as your own child. A niece is way down the list

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