Grandson has too much screen time, is it my place to say?

[Halloweencat]

I think my 5 year old grandson has too much screen time on a children's ipad. From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes. His development is normal & he's doing very well at school. AIBU to say something, or tell him to put it down?

I don't see any harm in showing concern for a much loved grandson's welfare, and indeed manners, with regard to screen time.

I see a hint of something there that I can't quite put my finger on. There is a holier than thou element to it but it's also snide.

If you say that sentence to the child's parents, expect to encounter backs up immediately. Maybe it's the implication that you are the only one truly concerned about his welfare, but the criticism of his manners is bound to grate, since that is something one of the parents didn't learn from you and presumably the parents have together decided what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to manners.

Are you my MIL? My 5yo has unlimited ‘screen time’ as he has unlimited ‘toy time’ and unlimited ‘book time’ well actually all have natural limits imposed by meals, sleep and family activities.

If you were my MIL I’d be quite happy to have a conversation with you as to my parenting philosophy and why we no more limit screens than books.

Of course rather than encouraging your grandson to play with toys, you could have asked him what he was watching, snuggled up with him and watched together, that’s how you build relationships, by respecting and sharing a child’s interests.

[quote Halloweencat]@SarahAndQuack
I'm not pretending to be disinterested or miss judgeypants. I have categorically stated that my initial interest is because of too much screen time potentially causing eye strain & potential addiction to screens to the detriment of social interaction. It's not about not paying attention to ME whilst I'm there, or about control of dg as a pp has suggested. It's about social interaction in general.
For example, all around you you can see youngsters all sitting together but totally ignoring each other because they're so immersed in their screens. Human beings are sociable creatures, not robots in their own little world with a device welded into their palms. Screen addiction could potentially dull their social skills for one, which is not good when they go out into the big wide world as an adult.
Showing care & concern for your family is not interfering. Over riding someone else's rules IS interfering, hence my asking the question in the first place.
Tbh, i've seen several posters on MN over the years who are so precious they can't take even their own mother's comments on parenting, but they'll happily use them for free childcare. They show so much disrespect in the way they speak about them if they dare utter any comment that could be misconstrued as a criticism of their parenting. It would do them well to remember that their dm's, and even their dmils, have more life experience, have been mothers themselves, some good & some not so good; and are women in their own right with feelings who actually just love & care for their dgc. It doesn't mean that they want to take over the role of parenting & do it all again. I for one do not, I'm too knackered![/quote]
👏👏👏👏
Well said @Halloweencat

[quote Halloweencat]@SarahAndQuack
I'm not pretending to be disinterested or miss judgeypants. I have categorically stated that my initial interest is because of too much screen time potentially causing eye strain & potential addiction to screens to the detriment of social interaction. It's not about not paying attention to ME whilst I'm there, or about control of dg as a pp has suggested. It's about social interaction in general.
For example, all around you you can see youngsters all sitting together but totally ignoring each other because they're so immersed in their screens. Human beings are sociable creatures, not robots in their own little world with a device welded into their palms. Screen addiction could potentially dull their social skills for one, which is not good when they go out into the big wide world as an adult.
Showing care & concern for your family is not interfering. Over riding someone else's rules IS interfering, hence my asking the question in the first place.
Tbh, i've seen several posters on MN over the years who are so precious they can't take even their own mother's comments on parenting, but they'll happily use them for free childcare. They show so much disrespect in the way they speak about them if they dare utter any comment that could be misconstrued as a criticism of their parenting. It would do them well to remember that their dm's, and even their dmils, have more life experience, have been mothers themselves, some good & some not so good; and are women in their own right with feelings who actually just love & care for their dgc. It doesn't mean that they want to take over the role of parenting & do it all again. I for one do not, I'm too knackered![/quote]
Honestly, if you were my mother, I would be wondering when you got your professorship in child development.

You are building a great big, anecdotal, scaremongering house of cards about what you claim might be a worrying amount of screen time. Don't you think if your concerns were genuine, you'd have bothered to research the subject properly?

If your daughter is 'using you for free childcare' but won't take your comments, that's between you and her. But it is silly to cite this as a reason for discounting advice on MN - it was you who chose to seek it in the first place!

@HobgoblinGold
Not inferring that his mum was ignoring him at all. She wasn't, even though she was cooking. The comment re the dad who "was working all day, not sitting there ignoring his son" was aimed at a pp who suggested in a rather sarcastic tone that maybe dgs dad should play with him whilst mum cooks.
No smoke screen at all, everyone gets on & respects each other, believe it or not. Hence my original post, to ensure I wasn't overstepping any boundaries.
And whether or not the mum is my dd or ddil is not relevant in my opinion. Boundaries are boundaries, irrespective of anyone's relationship to each other

@SarahAndQuack
Ridiculous thing to say about child professorship. I have read various articles about screen time, but have NEVER claimed to be an expert. From what I have read I have managed to form an opinion on what is too much screen time. Not necessarily the right opinion, just my own, SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I ASKED THE GOOD PEOPLE ON MN THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE? TO GET AN OPINION ON WHAT IS TOO MUCH & IF IT'S RIGHT FOR ME TO QUESTION IT?
I DIDN'T COME ON HERE FOR THE FUCKING VERBAL BASHING I'M GETTING, THE SNIDE REMARKS, INSINUATIONS THAT I HAVE BEEF WITH THE MOTHER, OR THAT I WANT TO CONTROL THEM.
And no, I'm not being used for childcare. I was talking about several posters on MN over the years who will happily accept free childcare from their parents/inlaws but woe betide any gp who dares to speak out of turn...

Thank you @Thedogscollar, very much appreciated x
Speaking of phone addiction, this thread has gone on long enough. It's very late & I need my beauty sleep.
If anyone else wants to chip in with another ear bashing in the morning, feel free to do so; but it will be falling on deaf ears & a waste of time. It's a bank holiday before the long slog until Easter & I have better things to do than carry this on into a second day! Happy New Year to you all, thanks for the chat!

YANBU

I think reception class teachers are finding that children spend so long on iPads as small children they are losing some basic skills like getting changed or colouring in.

It also affects attention span - children need continual entertainment nowadays.

It's sad that he wouldn't play with any other toys.

My kids referred to small children nowadays who are stuck in front of screens constantly - I can't remember the name. They are 11&12 and I never had a smart phone when they were little & we've never had an iPad. They seemed to think it was bad parenting & it's not something they would usually comment on. Both are now of course on phones & switch & Xbox loads - but they're older.

I think it's lazy parenting & yes that sounds judgmental. But I think you're justified to say something - or maybe offer to take him out a bit more/invite him over & try to get him busy baking or something.

@Halloweencat

He's been on it for the two hours we've been here today, & no doubt he's been on it throughout the day. Had a stack of presents for Xmas (not the ipad) & I've gently tried to encourage him to play with them whilst his mum cracks on with dinner; but he just wants the ipad. This is a regular thing. Is this healthy? And I've offered help in the kitchen, which understandably is not needed, I don't like help in my own kitchen either. And before I get flamed too much I'm almost 60 & from an era when kids played with their toys instead of staring at a screen all day! I worry about the eye problems that I've read can develop from too much screen time

2 hours?;it's a good job you're not my kids grandma.

My lot spend hours on screen;they go to their eye test appointments;their vision is fine.

The time spend online is actually useful to my lot;my DS has ASD and loves anything factual and watches how it's made videos/nature videos/horrible histories etc on you tube and learns from it;he tells us all sort of things he's learned from them.The games he plays builds fine motor skills and promotes problem solving skills.He also likes stuff like maths based games etc.

Honestly it's not all doom and gloom.

Kids these days are growing up in the technical age;they even commonly use iPads/laptops at school.

To keep the peace I definitely wouldn't say anything.

SnowyPetals@ I think your comments are a bit harsh many grandparents are completely aware of the benefits of technology many of whom have undertaken degrees in the last decade or so. OPs grandchild is 5 so I doubt he is writing a dissertation or even studying for important exams. It is well established that too much screen time can cause problems with eyesight hence the reason why people who work with computers all day have to have regular eye tests and screen filters. Additionally so many parents use tablets or similar to amuse their children rather than play with them.
Although I agree that she shouldn’t say anything directly she could show an interest and ask him what he is doing on his tablet. Even if it is just to reassure herself.
As a grandparent she is bound to be concerned about her grandchild. We all make mistakes bringing up our kids, as you get older you get wiser and wish that you had listened more when you were bringing yours up.

It depends on your relationship with parents. Do you feel it could be discussed without coming across as judgmental? Do you know for a fact ds is getting this every day or is it perhaps because people were there and dm didn't have time to entertain extra time was allowed? And maybe that's why ds didn't want to come off it? I think it's ok to raise your opinion if it won't cause issue with you and parents and as long as you don't expect things to change because of it.

I don’t understand why parents are giving 5 year olds children iPads these days. Completely unnecessary.

These devices are addictive, no question about it. It is a shame that the OP has been treated so badly when she was asking a valid question.

OP I think your concern is very valid but just be careful, you may burn bridges with his parents.

@SleepQuest33

I don’t understand why parents are giving 5 year olds children iPads these days. Completely unnecessary.

These devices are addictive, no question about it. It is a shame that the OP has been treated so badly when she was asking a valid question.

OP I think your concern is very valid but just be careful, you may burn bridges with his parents.

I agree! I don’t understand the rush to give them iPads, Kindles etc. My older DC are 6 and 3 and don’t have their own devices. They do watch TV, but that somehow seems more sociable and less addictive - they are usually moving around playing a game together based on the TV characters rather than each sitting staring at their own screen. And for all those who say they need the iPad apps and games to learn - my Y1 DC is working with Y2 in reading and Y3 in maths despite never having played on an iPad!

I am not so naive as to think that this will last - I’m sure as they get older they will have devices coming out of their ears (I agree with the PP who said that it’s best not to exclude them from the things their peer group talk about by being too strict) - but why start so young? At this age they are happy with toys, books, games and a parent’s attention. I know it’s hard - we both work in busy jobs, the children have lots of activities etc. - but hours of screen time for tiny tots is surely not the answer.

The caps (equivalent to shouting) and go ahead with the posts disagreeing with me as they will fall on deaf ears and be completely ignored comments in your last two posts, speaks volumes.

I think screen time is fine but my kids would never be allowed to play when we have people over. Not interacting with you is rude frankly.

I wouldnt at this stage comment on the too much screen time. But i would say granny is going to make a cup of tea and when i come back it is time to put the ipad down and play a game together. And insist when he refuses.

I asked a simple question, you protest too much.

You, didn’t actually. But what do you mean?

@SleepQuest33

I don’t understand why parents are giving 5 year olds children iPads these days. Completely unnecessary.

These devices are addictive, no question about it. It is a shame that the OP has been treated so badly when she was asking a valid question.

OP I think your concern is very valid but just be careful, you may burn bridges with his parents.

Completely agree. There is SO much published information about how addictive devices are for young children. My eldest is 5, she has occasionally accessed a tablet for educational apps that school give access to but that is it. She has never played a game on a device, she does not have access to watch any on demand apps either.

In all honesty, I probably would have introduced and let her do some of those things if we were in normal times and going abroad like we used to but only for journeys. On a day to day basis, we do not use them

The defensiveness of the replies and how everyone has jumped on the OP makes really sad reading for the relationships many must have with their own parents/ILs

I still don't get why the OP sat with this child for 2 hours being ignored in favour of the ipad. I can't imagine any of my DS's grandparents putting up with that (and none of them are hugely interfering).

You're right to be concerned, there's a reason that all of the Dotcom billionaires tightly control their children's screen time, they know how damaging it can be.

But you can't really do anything about it.

@thenewduchessoflapland

Has your son got the Kurtzgesacht app? My kids LOVE it and it has SO much information about basically everything! There's a Youtube channel as well with bite-sized videos about almost anything, although now my kids ask me a LOT of questions about black holes and quasi stars that I struggle to even goggle, let alone answer!!

[quote Halloweencat]@SarahAndQuack
Ridiculous thing to say about child professorship. I have read various articles about screen time, but have NEVER claimed to be an expert. From what I have read I have managed to form an opinion on what is too much screen time. Not necessarily the right opinion, just my own, SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I ASKED THE GOOD PEOPLE ON MN THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE? TO GET AN OPINION ON WHAT IS TOO MUCH & IF IT'S RIGHT FOR ME TO QUESTION IT?
I DIDN'T COME ON HERE FOR THE FUCKING VERBAL BASHING I'M GETTING, THE SNIDE REMARKS, INSINUATIONS THAT I HAVE BEEF WITH THE MOTHER, OR THAT I WANT TO CONTROL THEM.
And no, I'm not being used for childcare. I was talking about several posters on MN over the years who will happily accept free childcare from their parents/inlaws but woe betide any gp who dares to speak out of turn...[/quote]
A 'verbal bashing'? When you are resorting to shouty capitals?

You really need to take a look at how you communicate with others. If you're like this with your daughter, she must be having a really hard time.

Painting yourself as some poor, downtrodden, timid woman who barely dares to speak up is ridiculous. You clearly don't want to engage with anyone who disagrees, however calmly and politely. That's no way to have conversations with adults.

@SarahAndQuack
You come across in your posts as the most patronising, condescending and annoying of people.

Maybe your DD/DIL will see through your sneery comments one day and you will be on here for advice from the masses like the OP on how to deal with you.

[quote Thedogscollar]@SarahAndQuack
You come across in your posts as the most patronising, condescending and annoying of people.

Maybe your DD/DIL will see through your sneery comments one day and you will be on here for advice from the masses like the OP on how to deal with you.[/quote]
Could well be.

However, I've not yet resorted to internet yelling at people who disagree with me, so I reserve some hope I'll survive.

I think Halloweencat was at the end of her tether.
You were the last straw.
Like the annoying kid who always has to have the last word.

She was at the end of her tether because someone pointed out she kept ignoring everyone who said screen time might not be as bad as she thought? She did come on here for advice. She's proved remarkably bad at accepting any. I'm not really sure what else you want me to say.