Grandson has too much screen time, is it my place to say?

[Halloweencat]

I think my 5 year old grandson has too much screen time on a children's ipad. From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes. His development is normal & he's doing very well at school. AIBU to say something, or tell him to put it down?

Pressed send to soon.

You’re getting a strong reaction as many posters, me included, recognise the passive aggressive criticism of parenting dressed up as ‘concern’ which is really a front for something else, often something a desire for control of or validation from the grandkids.

in the future, your grandson has serious problems related to screen time and his parents come whining to you about their worries you'll be able to repeat that it's not your business!

Curious as to what "serious problems" you think will appear in future due to a couple of hours spent on an ipad in early 2022?

@Catsstillrock

Ah *@Halloweencat* it’s clear though, you weren’t asking IN GENERAL if he had too much screen time out of concern for your grandson .

No, you meant: I’m here visiting and he wants to do that instead of spending time with me (and the parents allow it). But you’ve hidden that behind ‘concern for your grandchild ’

So the parents have addressed it. Great! They are good parents! You don’t need to worry.

You should remember, too, that the 5 year old DIDNT ask you around. His parents did. And he may honestly prefer to do something else other than spend time with you. And at five he isn’t going to hide that. But his parents have stepped in. All good.

The takeaway for you here is to reflect on your dishonest thinking.

I hope you didn’t say anything to his parents, as your ‘concern’ was a passive aggressive disguise for what was really going on - you were offended by your grandson’s behaviour.

Looking for validation in your grandchild’s behaviour is a mistake OP.

I agree with this.

Children are very quick to notice when someone is not being honest, and they also notice when they or their parents are being criticised.

@Lockdownlard
Thank you, your comments are very much appreciated 🙂

@3mealsaday
I did not remove the ipad myself as I didn't think it was my place to do so in adult child's home. As a pp pointed out, not my child so I should keep my beak out. Interfering this way could be seen as overstepping boundaries.
If I'd done that & admitted it on here no doubt I'd have been flamed again for interfering in their parenting. You can't win! 😄
Anyway, it resolved itself without any "interferance" from me, so all is well 🙂

When mum is cooking ask her if she minds you telling him to put it away so you can spend time with him. She's cooking an entertaining, it's prime kid screen time and dd or ddil not your place to judge.

@Halloweencat. Obviously different families operate differently but I would find it incredibly odd for my PIL to sit for 2 hours in a room with my ipad-watching 4yo ignoring them. They just wouldn't put up with it. And I wouldn't consider that overstepping.

Also the worst damage screens can do is cause myopia

This is not true - as well as myopia, focussing at short range for unnatural extended periods of time can cause squints/lazy eye as the muscle-nervous (eye-brain) connection is still developing at that age, making it harder for the weaker eye to return to its normal position.

www.seriousreaders.com/blog/youth-risk-eye-problems-from-too-much-screen-time

www.dunyagoz.com/en/corporate/news/digital-eye-fatigue-can-lead-to-lazy-eye-in-children

And that's without all the developmental and health issues

@justamumseekingadvice
I didn't interfere

If your DIL was saying to you that she thinks your 24 year old son needs to do more housework, watch less tv, drink less,eat a healthier diet, exercise more, behave better,increase his friends, sleep better, earn more money etc etc and you would welcome all of her insights with open arms then craic on.

[quote Halloweencat]@justamumseekingadvice
I didn't interfere[/quote]
Yet earlier you said you encouraged him to get off it, and that when he is in your sole care, you decide to be 'stricter' about it than his parents.

Which is true?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you as a grandparent saying if you're caring for a child, there will be certain things you insist on (and if your daughter/son-in-law are not comfortable, it's their decision to find someone else to do childcare). But you are not presenting this as an ongoing argument or discussion, so I'm not clear how this wasn't interfering?

@SarahAndQuack
Yes I gently encouraged him to get off ipad by asking him if he'd like to play with a new game he'd had for Xmas with me. It didn't work.
When I said I didn't interfere I meant I did not say anything to his mum, nor make him switch it off.
Forgive me for not working it so clearly, it is getting late

(And if you think making new rules for a child isn't interfering, think about it like this:

• 'I didn't interfere. I just fed him meat as I'm sure his vegetarian parents aren't nourishing him.'

• 'I didn't interfere. I just took his blanket away as his mother is ridiculous about him needing it because of his "special needs".'

• 'I didn't interfere. I just told him he could have some chocolate because I'm sure his dad has no reason to ban them, and I never knew he was allergic.'

I've seen all of those and more on MN. It's totally normal to find it hard when your child is an adult and has views and beliefs and a child of their own, but I don't think it helps to pretend you're much more disinterested than you are.)

[quote Halloweencat]@SarahAndQuack
Yes I gently encouraged him to get off ipad by asking him if he'd like to play with a new game he'd had for Xmas with me. It didn't work.
When I said I didn't interfere I meant I did not say anything to his mum, nor make him switch it off.
Forgive me for not working it so clearly, it is getting late[/quote]
That's ok; I also wasn't clear so added a post to clarify.

I get it. I am sure my DD will tell me what an awful judgy grandmother I am when my time comes. But I can't pretend I don't see this how I think your daughter would probably see it.

@SarahAndQuack, OP wasn't interfering with her DD's parenting by trying to engage her DGS in a game. That's just a ridiculous claim on your part.

My toddler DGD barely seems to any fruit and veg at home, Her diet is more carbohydrate and sugar-heavy than I'm comfortable with. I make sure she has at least some veg with her lunch and a fruit snack (as well as a biscuit later) when I do her childcare. That's not interfering, that's just feeding her what I fed my own DDs.
But I have never said anything about her diet to my daughter. Because that would be interfering.

@SarahAndQuack I see from your more recent post that you think my example IS interfering.

C'mon now. Really? I'm not feeding her forbidden stuff. I'm not undermining her parents.

@Halloweencat

‘His dad is at work all day today, not sitting here ignoring him...’

Just read through your replies OP. This comment stuck out at me. From what you've said - it's you son, DIL and grandson? The comment above infers a passive aggressive remark about your assertion that his mum ‘ignores him’? I'm wondering whether any potential eye damage is a smokescreen for other issues that you don't like?

[quote saraclara]@SarahAndQuack, OP wasn't interfering with her DD's parenting by trying to engage her DGS in a game. That's just a ridiculous claim on your part.

My toddler DGD barely seems to any fruit and veg at home, Her diet is more carbohydrate and sugar-heavy than I'm comfortable with. I make sure she has at least some veg with her lunch and a fruit snack (as well as a biscuit later) when I do her childcare. That's not interfering, that's just feeding her what I fed my own DDs.
But I have never said anything about her diet to my daughter. Because that would be interfering.[/quote]
I think there is a very big difference between doing things differently with no commentary (which you're describing), and consciously being 'stricter,' which implies some kind of actual interaction about rules.

If your grandchild eats more veg and fruit with you, fabulous. FWIW my DD eats more veg if I make her lunch than if my partner does, because DD has always seen me eating more fruit and veg than my partner does, so it just seems natural to her. She doesn't question it.

But I do think you run into issues when a child gets the message 'granny has a different rule from mummy, granny thinks mummy is not strict enough'.

To me, the OP's description sounds like the latter, in part because she's several times mentioned trying to distract the child from his screen - she's not talking about just wanting to interact, she's talking about wanting to interact because she disapproves of what he's doing.

[quote saraclara]@SarahAndQuack I see from your more recent post that you think my example IS interfering.

C'mon now. Really? I'm not feeding her forbidden stuff. I'm not undermining her parents.[/quote]
Depends how you do it, surely?

I haven’t RTFT as some early posts put me off.

My view is you likely can’t say anything but as a mother, if I have someone on hand to play especially when cooking and a family member is visiting I’d take the iPad off the child. It’s rude when the family member wants to interact and also saves screen time for later/earlier when I might be busy. This is the case if it’s educational or not. I like crosswords but don’t sit on my phone doing it when we have guests as that’s rude.

I hear what you’re saying, the whole country would need glasses if that were the case though so it wouldn’t be my primary concern.

Well I don't say "Mummy doesn't feed you healthily so you have to eat (X) at Grandma's. And I'm pretty sure that OP didn't preface her interaction by saying "Mummy's letting you have too much time on your screen so I'm making you put it away", either.

@Catsstillrock

Ah *@Halloweencat* it’s clear though, you weren’t asking IN GENERAL if he had too much screen time out of concern for your grandson .

No, you meant: I’m here visiting and he wants to do that instead of spending time with me (and the parents allow it). But you’ve hidden that behind ‘concern for your grandchild ’

So the parents have addressed it. Great! They are good parents! You don’t need to worry.

You should remember, too, that the 5 year old DIDNT ask you around. His parents did. And he may honestly prefer to do something else other than spend time with you. And at five he isn’t going to hide that. But his parents have stepped in. All good.

The takeaway for you here is to reflect on your dishonest thinking.

I hope you didn’t say anything to his parents, as your ‘concern’ was a passive aggressive disguise for what was really going on - you were offended by your grandson’s behaviour.

Looking for validation in your grandchild’s behaviour is a mistake OP.

What a nasty and unnecessary post. Did it make you feel good? I bet it did. Would you really say this to someone in real life to their face? How bloody sad.

@saraclara

Well I don't say "Mummy doesn't feed you healthily so you have to eat (X) at Grandma's. And I'm pretty sure that OP didn't preface her interaction by saying "Mummy's letting you have too much time on your screen so I'm making you put it away", either.

Absolutely. Which is why I, and lots of others, are saying to the OP she probably shouldn't say anything.

neurosciencenews.com/gaming-memory-17066/

www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/53740172

www.apa.org/monitor/2014/02/video-game

Just a small selection of information on the positive effects of video games for those who appreciate a little balance....

I feel the confusion about OP intention as well, more so after the 'it solved itself" post.

Is the concern whether parents are aware that there is a suspicion that prolonged screen time can cause eye damage? This hasn't resolved itself, there wasn't any communication about that.

Is the concern that the child preferred tablet over grandma? That wasn't resolved either, just parent overridden child's (immediate) preference.

The only thing which got resolved was mother making sure that the child was removed from tablet for that moment.

@SarahAndQuack
I'm not pretending to be disinterested or miss judgeypants. I have categorically stated that my initial interest is because of too much screen time potentially causing eye strain & potential addiction to screens to the detriment of social interaction. It's not about not paying attention to ME whilst I'm there, or about control of dg as a pp has suggested. It's about social interaction in general.
For example, all around you you can see youngsters all sitting together but totally ignoring each other because they're so immersed in their screens. Human beings are sociable creatures, not robots in their own little world with a device welded into their palms. Screen addiction could potentially dull their social skills for one, which is not good when they go out into the big wide world as an adult.
Showing care & concern for your family is not interfering. Over riding someone else's rules IS interfering, hence my asking the question in the first place.
Tbh, i've seen several posters on MN over the years who are so precious they can't take even their own mother's comments on parenting, but they'll happily use them for free childcare. They show so much disrespect in the way they speak about them if they dare utter any comment that could be misconstrued as a criticism of their parenting. It would do them well to remember that their dm's, and even their dmils, have more life experience, have been mothers themselves, some good & some not so good; and are women in their own right with feelings who actually just love & care for their dgc. It doesn't mean that they want to take over the role of parenting & do it all again. I for one do not, I'm too knackered!