Grandson has too much screen time, is it my place to say?

[Halloweencat]

I think my 5 year old grandson has too much screen time on a children's ipad. From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes. His development is normal & he's doing very well at school. AIBU to say something, or tell him to put it down?

My DS never had any screen time when he was young, he is an avid book reader though and has a father with terrible eye sight since very young. DS has terrible eye sight, worse than his dads - probably partly inherited and partly from always having his head in a book.

I would stay well out of it, especially if he is doing well generally, your input will not be appreciated no matter how well meaning.

@SarahAndQuack

*and I daresay people used to say its a shame they have their noses in books instead of sewing a seam or learning to hunt shoot and fish... ...and before that it will damage their eyes squinting over stone tablets instead of chipping flints grin*

Cross posted but this is so true and made me laugh!

FWIW my DP, in the 80s, got told off by teachers for reading too much (!) and she was so upset she stopped reading for pleasure for years. We're just introducing her to all the books she missed out on by buying them for DD, and it's lovely.

yup. its some 60 years ago now but my mother was told not to let me read so much as it was bad for my eyes. The same thing has been said about TV...sitting too close/too far away..... also there had been controversy over whether children should wear sunglasses....not sure what the current view is on that one.

@Halloweencat it seems the majority of posters can't give you advice as they are unable to! I have a nephew who carts his switch around everywhere! If family are around screens go and my children actually take part in a family get together. Its a losing battle if parents are not involved but most kids like arts/crafts Try asking where the colouring pens are! Or bring some with you next time.

I have a similar issue with exdp and dd over screen time. He uses it as a babysitter and she can be on it for 8-12 hours a day when with him.

I allow her screen time but it is limited to an hour here or there. Occasionally we do have a chill out day and she can use it as much as she wants. She is actually very good at self regulation so will watch TV for a couple of hours then play with her toys or read a book or play a board game. She will then go back to playing on her switch or phone etc.

I use my phone a lot. I have the tv on as background noise so I can't stop her using a screen. But I can (& have) teach her to regulate her usage. In the same way as I have taught her to regulate her chocolate or sweet consumption ..she is far better than me at this!

@Halloweencat I am sure your concern cokes from a good place but please remember that you are seeing only a snippet of his life and not the full 24/7/365. You honestly should not say anything at all. It is not your place. Think back to your time as a young mum. Would you have thanked your mum or mother in law for chiming in with their comments on the things you were doing wrong in their eyes?

Oh and nephews parent (my ds) also uses downtime as a reason. Its not a real thing.

...before I get flamed too much I'm almost 60 & from an era when kids played with their toys instead of staring at a screen all day!

I'm also almost 60. My kids watched TV all the time when they were young. It was before everyone had an iPad, but they still ate with the TV on, had TVs in their rooms.

I myself watched a lot of TV growing up in the 60s and 70s. I also read in bed for hours, in semi darkness, and spent a lot of time reading, painting, and drawing during the day, especially in winter. Then there was school, where we spent hours and hours staring at the board or at our copybooks and other items on our desks.

I wear reading glasses but otherwise my eyes are fine.

...and I daresay people used to say its a shame they have their noses in books instead of sewing a seam or learning to hunt shoot and fish...
...and before that it will damage their eyes squinting over stone tablets instead of chipping flints

YY to this. I can still hear my aunts tutting.

YANBU but I knew you'd get a pasting on here. We had a family meet up last week and my two nephews sat glued to their tablets from about ten minutes after they arrived to the moment they left. The other children in the family were playing in the garden, joining in with conversation, and showing family their new toys. My own children have screen time, but I think when visiting friends or family it's breathtakingly rude to stick your child in front of a tablet and let them ignore everybody else in the room.

@Totallydefeated

His eyes would be just as affected if he was spending hours reading every day.

I think this is the crux of the sort is attitude to things on here though - there’s just no balance.

Hours of anything to the exclusion of other things is unhealthy. Hours of playing outside, hours of reading, hours of staring at the telly, hours of scrolling on the iPad.

All things in a bit of moderation would be better.

You are judging "too much screen time" during the Christmas break, if the kids are stuck in the house either visiting or having visitors yes they will play on kindles etc for something to do. Our children (4 and 5) have played on their kindles some days, it really isn't representative of normal life when they are out the house most of the time at school, hobbies and doing things. Christmas is probably the most time we spend in the house all year so if they want to play on kindles or watch films I really don't mind. Come next week they'll be back at school breakfast club 7.30am sharp and out the house all day busy. I think you need to get off your judgy horse, this is the sort of thing my mil would say (behind my back of course).

Hmm. I would say someone who cannot learn to concentrate for a couple of hours is liable to struggle in later life.

(I will admit, in face of this thread's preference for dire imaginings over hard evidence, that I don't have evidence for this, mind.)

Agree, SarahAndQuack

@TomBradysLeftKneecap

Honestly, are some of you so precious that you wouldn't listen to advice from your own parents without throwing a fit?! My Mil is the Queen of giving unsolicited advice. I just listen, smile and either ignore it or take it on board because she loves us and it's coming from a place of good.

This x 1000

Seriously some people can't bear to hear a word from their own parents.
True some grandparents are overbearing and it can be annoying too but whatever happened to basic humanity. Unless they are outright crossing boundaries, some advice is so normal!

This is a horrible thread.

In my real life, my mother in law, a farmer of five boys and a battle axe at best would say get off that and speak to granny. Kids would say ok granny, and I would do whatever I was doing.

I don't get all these families who get so stressed about saying how you feel. She's not saying let me take you and get you a tattoo, she's saying I'm here, get off it. Or she's asking can she say that. I have zero childcare from family, due to ages and other siblings taking that first, sil x three mainly, but I respect my mil enough to let her get on with it when she's visiting.

I’m almost 60 & from an era when kids played with their toys instead of staring at a screen all day

I’m 58, my ds had a play station and watched loads of tv. How is my experience different than yours if we are the same age?. He loved technology.

But why doesn't the OP just get on with it?

My DS has very little screen time when his grandparents are visiting because they do other stuff with him... take him to the playground, get out the playdoh, build his marble run, play games. It's not "Would you like to do something else?", it's "Right, we're off to the park while mummy makes dinner, put your shoes on" or "Come over here and show us how this works". And DS would get short shrift from us if he kept staring at a screen when his grandparents were talking to him.

As someone whose job used to involve trying to increase the amount of time consumers spent playing app games, your worry is not unreasonable.

It’s definitely more about what your grandson is looking at on the iPad than the screentime itself. At his age most social media platforms and app games are worrying - many are designed specifically to create addictive behaviour.

However, there are plenty of well-made apps created with children’s well-being in-mind.

If your relationship with his parents is good you could bring it up with them, or you could try to suggest some well-made educational games?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to worry, but I can see it might be awkward to say anything.

Not ideal straight after Christmas, but my son definitely plays on his iPad far too much (I actually sent a screenshot of this to my husband joking that you're my mum), and what we've found has helped is buying him toys of his favourite games. He loves playing with them too, so puts the screen down.

We limit screen time but when people are over I turn a blind eye to it if they kids slink off with devices or watch a bit too much tv. Many of our friends are the same. It's like the digital equivalent of sneaking sweeties 😉 I think it is quite hard for you to know how much screen time he has when you are not there. If you want to engage him, can you ask him to teach you a game on it or something?

@Halloweencat

I think my 5 year old grandson has too much screen time on a children's ipad. From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes. His development is normal & he's doing very well at school. AIBU to say something, or tell him to put it down?

If you're looking after him, do something else with him. If you just want to say something - Don't!

Thank you for all your responses. There's a lot of rudeness here, when I was merely asking for opinions & discussion. If my late mil/dm had queried anything like this I would not have disrespected them, but would have discussed in an adult manner. I know they would have meant well.
As for assuming I am the nasty mil @Aquamarine1029 as a pp said - well done on sticking to the mn stereotype of the evil mil against the saintly dil. I don't think I actually mentioned whether or not it was my dd or ddil. It's also irrelevant whether she is dd or ddil. My first question in my op was on the potential damage to the eyes from too much screen time. Even at work it is advised by H&S for us adults to take more regular breaks from the screen.
It is rude to be on the ipad so much when family who love them are visiting. He is verging on being addicted to the thing, no matter how much you try to engage. Is this a good way to be for a 5 year old? He visits often enough & is in my sole care often enough for me to know this. I'm stricter with it I think.
Fwiw I went to the loo to post my question on MN - you can't expect someone to get off their screen whilst you're on yours.
I also appreciate that they are of a different generation & times have moved on; but I don't see any harm in showing concern for a much loved grandson's welfare, and indeed manners, with regard to screen time.
After raising my kids myself, at the age of 60 I have enough ideas on how to engage with my grandson & his new toys; but just try doing that without an argument or tears in someone's house when they are so engrossed in some mindless cartoon on the Internet, it's very difficult! Hence my original post.
Thank you to the more supportive responses, both the ones who agreed with me & the ones who disagreed with me.
As for the more aggressive ones, it's only what I expected from some posters on mn! Water off a ducks back & all that, still don't get the curious connection with my ds 24, potentially going into the Raf & this thread though, don't know what was being implied there 🤷‍♀️

Well it might not end well as most parents will see it as interference. If you have him often enforce the rules when he’s in your care. You’re right though, and if you think your daughter / son & their partner will take it well then raise it, but most parents become defensive when someone raises something they probably already know.

I think it's nice that you care so much.

The way you approach this is key really, a simple conversation passing on clear information of what you've read. There can be a fine line you don't want to cross where your information could be read as an opinion and accusation. I've always been happy to listen to facts and then decide what to do with them. It depends on your relationship with the parents, are they sensitive to what others say? Do they listen and respect what you say? Or will they see it for what it is - a grandparent wanting the best for their grandchild.

I know it can be an easy trap to fall into by allowing children screen time as a 'baby sitter'. You can get so much done whilst they are fully focused on the screen. Could you offer alternatives? Babysit more often? new activities?

@Halloweencat

Thank you for all your responses. There's a lot of rudeness here, when I was merely asking for opinions & discussion. If my late mil/dm had queried anything like this I would not have disrespected them, but would have discussed in an adult manner. I know they would have meant well. As for assuming I am the nasty mil *@Aquamarine1029* as a pp said - well done on sticking to the mn stereotype of the evil mil against the saintly dil. I don't think I actually mentioned whether or not it was my dd or ddil. It's also irrelevant whether she is dd or ddil. My first question in my op was on the potential damage to the eyes from too much screen time. Even at work it is advised by H&S for us adults to take more regular breaks from the screen. It is rude to be on the ipad so much when family who love them are visiting. He is verging on being addicted to the thing, no matter how much you try to engage. Is this a good way to be for a 5 year old? He visits often enough & is in my sole care often enough for me to know this. I'm stricter with it I think. Fwiw I went to the loo to post my question on MN - you can't expect someone to get off their screen whilst you're on yours. I also appreciate that they are of a different generation & times have moved on; but I don't see any harm in showing concern for a much loved grandson's welfare, and indeed manners, with regard to screen time. After raising my kids myself, at the age of 60 I have enough ideas on how to engage with my grandson & his new toys; but just try doing that without an argument or tears in someone's house when they are so engrossed in some mindless cartoon on the Internet, it's very difficult! Hence my original post. Thank you to the more supportive responses, both the ones who agreed with me & the ones who disagreed with me. As for the more aggressive ones, it's only what I expected from some posters on mn! Water off a ducks back & all that, still don't get the curious connection with my ds 24, potentially going into the Raf & this thread though, don't know what was being implied there 🤷‍♀️

For someone so concerned with manners, you should perhaps consider minding your own.

You cannot possibly not realise it is rude to criticise someone else's parenting. It was rude when you were a young mother and it's rude now.