Please don’t move near us!

[Logabog432]

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

I think I’d have to move!

@lottiegarbanzo

I don't suppose she is as bothered by OP as OP is by her. Bullies, manipulators and steamroller types generally aren't 'bothered' by the people they bully, manipulate and flatten.

From her pov, you've done her groundwork for her; set up inroads into all the relevant local groups. She can use you for introductions, then sweep past you and conquer.

This ^ I really feel for the OP. Why should her life be turned upside down by such an unpleasant person? I wouldn’t be so bad if her husband wasn’t so unsupportive of her.

• it

Has the OP addressed anywhere how it was that this couple bought a house two doors down from the man of the couple's close friend without ever mentioning it to him? I mean, even if they didn't see one another that much, you'd think it would seem natural for the potential buyer to mention it purely in order to find out whether it has a longterm rodent problem/a particularly active poltergeist/was known for being the site of a double murder etc?

She'll hardly be able to move into the community and then start mouthing off about you to your circle of friends. That will not make her friends or gain acceptance at all.
She has to mind herself and you should allow others to make their own minds up regarding her personality and character. Her facade won't last long if she is truly the type of person you know her be, and once revealed your friends will understand your doubts about her.

I can understand why you're dreading this move.

This women seems to play a significant role in your psyche and head space.

Since she is choosing to move near to you I'd presume you play less significance in her head space and life.

You need to think about how you can reduce her influenece on your psyche, head space and emotions.

What she thinks and says needs to be irrelevant to you.

That is work on yourself, the only thing you can control here.

If you can't do that you are going to potentially make youeslf very miserable about everything this women might do, say, think over the next years.

@HPFA

I kind of feel like the husband here is getting a hard time.

Assuming he was the father when the abortion happened I can well imagine he might have felt a need to talk about this with a close friend. I doubt a woman would be so instantly condemned for discussing something like this with a female friend.

Rah I do t have such an issue with the fact my husband told his friend. This was when we were at university, they were friends at the time and long before his wife was on the scene.

What I take issue with is the face he gossiped about it with his wife who used it against me! When this happened before they even met and frankly has nothing to do with her. It’s just rude.

I tell my husband things about my friends (and know my friends tell their husband stuff too) but we have an understanding that it’s in confidence. If my husband told me something about his friends I would never dream of telling anyone else or mentioning it in conversation!!!

@MalagaNights

I can understand why you're dreading this move.

This women seems to play a significant role in your psyche and head space.

Since she is choosing to move near to you I'd presume you play less significance in her head space and life.

You need to think about how you can reduce her influenece on your psyche, head space and emotions.

What she thinks and says needs to be irrelevant to you.

That is work on yourself, the only thing you can control here.

If you can't do that you are going to potentially make youeslf very miserable about everything this women might do, say, think over the next years.

I think this is what’s rubbing me the wrong way

I’ve spent a very long time working on myself. I am happy and have a good group of friends I trust, I like the community. It’s not been easy and now I feel like there’s a big danger of her coming in and fucking with it

Reasonable or not that’s how it feels

I think whether this becomes hell or not depends on your husband, why is he imposing on you such a nasty woman? He disregards the effect her comments have on you and say you are jealous? Who is going to stop him having them around all the time now they are so near?

She is not going to be the main problem, your husband will be.

Since she is choosing to move near to you I'd presume you play less significance in her head space and life.

You can’t assume this. We have been told that this woman criticizes working Mums, so it’s much more likely that she has an inferiority complex and gives the OP an unhealthily large amount of headspace. She envies the OP. She wants her lifestyle for her own, which is why she is moving to her village.

That must have been a dreadful visceral shock for you when you were at your most vulnerable for someone to land that deeply painful and personal memory out of the blue.

It doesn’t sound to me that that was a one off clumsy comment. It seems to fit with her judgemental character where she needs to put others down to keep her own fake and inflated image afloat.

You should be suspicious of such types - but just take the limited actions that you can (ground rules with your DH about any involvement in your lives as couples or infiltrating your networks, brief flag to trusted friends) - then white wash her from your mind because this can consume you.

If you have had PND before - did you get professional support and how are you feeling now on mat leave especially about returning to work - you might need to focus on managing your own sensitivities rather than be distracted by someone like her - who will only go on to exploit them. If you are fully emotionally healed and healthy she can’t hurt you as much as you think.

I can understand that's how you feel and you would rather not have to face the challenge of this women living near to you. That is very understandable.

But she is moving near to you, and so it's a challenge you do have to face.

You question is really how to deal with this?

I think from the way you describe her she has a disproportionate impact on you, your emotions, and the amount of thought and influence she has on your life.

What she looks like, what she says, seems to greatly occupy you. I don't mean this insultingly, just as an observation, we all have people who get under our skin.

The trick is to think about why this person bothers you much, and how you can move to a position where you don't care or think about this person.

You have all these 'fears' about her and how she can negatively change your life. In reality she only has the power over you you allow her to have. At the moment you're allowing her a lot of power.

She can't take friends away if they are true friends.
True frinds won't tell her about your PND.
Even if she did know about your PND you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You know what is true and important to you, everything else is inconsequential bullshit.
That's the head space you need to aim for.

Presumably there is more than one group of mum friends in the community. Just make sure she doesn’t infiltrate yours. Her baby will be at a different age so she will hopefully make friends with a bunch of people with similar age babies. If your friends are as good friends as you say they are sure they will stay well clear of her anyway. Make it clear that is what you want to happen. Be civil and don’t turn it into a thing. You will just end up moving in different circles in the same community, occasionally crossing paths and making small talk at local events.

@TreborBore

Since she is choosing to move near to you I'd presume you play less significance in her head space and life.

You can’t assume this. We have been told that this woman criticizes working Mums, so it’s much more likely that she has an inferiority complex and gives the OP an unhealthily large amount of headspace. She envies the OP. She wants her lifestyle for her own, which is why she is moving to her village.

I think the PP makes a fairly reasonable assumption to be honest.

You can’t assume this. We have been told that this woman criticizes working Mums, so it’s much more likely that she has an inferiority complex and gives the OP an unhealthily large amount of headspace. She envies the OP. She wants her lifestyle for her own, which is why she is moving to her village.

Who knows what she thinks. We have scanty info from an unrealiable source (sorry OP we all are). What we can deduce is that she is less bothered about living close to the OP than the OP is.

But more to the point for the OP: who cares.

OP needs to focus on her own emotions, thoughts and head space thats' where peace on this lies.

I 'nearly' had this when my exH and OW were looking for a house and business in my town...when I had moved to get away from them. 🤯

OP needs to focus on her own emotions, thoughts and head space thats' where peace on this lies.

Excellent advice.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

Remember the song, 'You say most when you say nothing at all', a little 'knowing' smile also adds to the effect!

The classic song written by Paul Overstreet and Don Schlitz, and performed by the incredibly talented and charismatic Ronan Keating?

OP, you have the upper hand here.

You can subtly and gently undermine her if you want to. Personally I wouldn't, and I would use the fact they live virtually next door as a reason not to socialise with them - why go out for dinner when they only live down the street?

Then, obviously, every time they suggest a kitchen supper, you are busy. Job done.

@HPFA

I kind of feel like the husband here is getting a hard time.

Assuming he was the father when the abortion happened I can well imagine he might have felt a need to talk about this with a close friend. I doubt a woman would be so instantly condemned for discussing something like this with a female friend.

Yep. If DH was the father, he had every right to share with his best mate. Men don't talk about their feelings enough. His mate is the one in the wrong here for blabbing it to his partner, which was purely for gossip purposes.

Why did your husband tell her husband about a private medical procedure that you'd had. Did you give him consent to tell whomever?!

I agree with @ESGdance, definitely flag her with close friends.

A simple statement of fact. "She is the type of person that when she heard I'd had a miscarriage said it was karma for an abortion I had during college."

But honestly, your husband breaking your medical privacy and then obviously repeating back to you such an ugly remark is awful.

I would be telling him in clear language that I do not want these people imposing on my life in my home.

I am very suspicious of people that repeat unkind things they have been told.

For your husband to repeat such a viciously unkind remark would make me very wary of him, becauseit says so much about his character.

A good man wouldn't dream of repeating such a thing.

On the basis of what HE told you SHE said, you have every right to say, I don't want her in our home.

yuk yuk yuk, this happened to me, we settled in a town away from all the bollocks that this couple actively sought out and five years after we moved and they popped up - they didnt even tell us as they didnt want us to feel they'd moved to "follow us" but it certainly felt like an invasion. They seeped their way into almost every social situation. Most people have seen their true colours now and friends of mine that originally said they were okay have left them to it too. But its horrible. Feels like they've ruined my lovely haven. I often fantasise about winning the lottery and paying them to leave! Yes I am a wally.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

@MalagaNights

You can’t assume this. We have been told that this woman criticizes working Mums, so it’s much more likely that she has an inferiority complex and gives the OP an unhealthily large amount of headspace. She envies the OP. She wants her lifestyle for her own, which is why she is moving to her village.

Who knows what she thinks. We have scanty info from an unrealiable source (sorry OP we all are). What we can deduce is that she is less bothered about living close to the OP than the OP is.

But more to the point for the OP: who cares.

OP needs to focus on her own emotions, thoughts and head space thats' where peace on this lies.

I agree we can’t say for sure what this person thinks, which is why I pulled up @MalagaNights on her presumptions!

But someone who is capable of being mean about an upsetting life event such as a miscarriage and is happy to criticize a whole class of people (working parents), who don’t live as she does, is usually on balance of probabilities insecure.

Get ahead of this. Voice your concerns about judgey-pants Wendy* to maybe TWO of your most trusted circle. And one absolute fucking blabbermouth. Job done.

• Because you know that's what she's going to try if she can, right?