Please don’t move near us!

[Logabog432]

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

This is my idea of a nightmare so you've every right to be annoyed. However your DH is being a total prick. He think's you're petty she used an abortion against you when you had a miscarriage and now have PND? WTF? Is he and his friend sitting in the pub laughing, shaking their heads and saying 'women. mental eh?' He will be your biggest problem because I'm assuming his friend doesn't have any inkling his wife is a horror.

I remember a fairly similarish thing happening with husbands ex invading into my world. Fortunately it fell through but the feeling of helplessness, confusion and being completely and utterly trapped by such a dominant person overwhelming.
You have my deepest sympathy.

Please don’t turn yourself into some martyr and opt for suffering stoically in silence, taking the high road. Seriously, some people really do not live in the real world! Tell your close friends how hurt you are by that outrageous remark and that you are not friends with that woman. If she does end up living close by, don’t socialise, don’t introduce her to people or otherwise help her settle in. You cannot dictate to them where to live or stop them for, moving there but you owe her feck all to welcome her either. Sadly, the age-old MN saying applies, you do have a (not so) DH problem too. Just because he is mates with the husband, does not mean you have to put up with the wife. If they want to socialise, they need to do this on their own separately and not expect any foursomes. You don’t owe it to her to provide company:

I'd feel exactly the same as you.

Be haughty and maintain your distance.

Shun her!

@ErrmWTAF

Get ahead of this. Voice your concerns about judgey-pants Wendy* to maybe TWO of your most trusted circle. And one absolute fucking blabbermouth. Job done.

• Because you know that's what she's going to try if she can, right?

and one absolute fucking blabbermouth

Thanks for giving me a proper laugh! might mention I’d heard the house is haunted to blabbermouth Barbara 😂😂😂

@PegasusReturns

This won’t be popular but I hope you have a plan because if you don’t she is going to be the one meeting your mum friends in that cafe weekly.

I'd be worried about this, too...

One person can change the whole dynamics of a group. I've seen this in an old friendship group. One person joined and within a month, the group had changed and over the coming months separated into smaller pockets. The whole atmosphere changed. It's incredible the effect a personality can have.
This is what you're worried about happening and probably rightly so.

@ErrmWTAF

Get ahead of this. Voice your concerns about judgey-pants Wendy* to maybe TWO of your most trusted circle. And one absolute fucking blabbermouth. Job done.

• Because you know that's what she's going to try if she can, right?

Definitely do this. I would be completely honest. Say you have tried your best with this person and they're just .. not kind. Lovely on the surface, mean underneath. Also make sure at least one of the people you tell is a WOTH mother.

@WinterDeWinter what’s a WOTH mother!?

Work Outside The Home

Is it Mrs hinch 😂

Hmmm not quite the same but a few years ago neighbours moved into the larger house next door and 3-4 years later the best mate if the DH moved halfway down the same street with his DW and DC. A few more parents with young kids moved in and got friendly. I recall asking as we started to go for drinks why the DW of best mate of our neighbors didn’t ever come along as similar age. Cue from the DW of my neighbour that the other DW was like Amanda in Motherland, instaperfect life, and she spent lots of time at local artisan/farmers market posing with her family at the weekend. I only saw her occasionally maybe to say hi to but I’m not a DW or DM so didn’t see her on the school run. I think but not 100% sure she fell out with the DW neighbour but she tactfully never said anything but bitched lightly about her with another neighbour mum. Her DC then got friendly so they must’ve had to socialise.

Now during lockdown last year in winter I ran to the local shop, was in a hurry due to WFH and I saw this DW (Amanda like) in the street stepping away from another friend she’d met up with. I didn’t actually recognise her at first due to her wearing a woollen hat but as we both walked down the road I saw her glance my way and give me a weird look in a very strange way once or twice. Almost like a smirk. If I could be bothered I’d have spoken to her but wasn’t. Funnily enough I’ve spoken to her DH a few times, he thought I was one of the wives/mums in the street when he first saw me which was funny. I’ve wondered if she’s shy or something but have always remembered the funny looks she gave me. I never asked if we should invite her out again either. I think but not 100% sure that she’s just not very nice!

OP - I’d just try and ignore this woman. She sounds like a nightmare but I don’t think she’ll change. Be civil and polite even if your DC do become friends but certainly don’t go out of your way to be friendly to her.

I'm quite puzzled at some of the comments here saying "tell all these people how awful this woman is". I can't see what that is going to achieve.

For a start this woman might form a different group of friends so it would be irrelevant anyway.

Secondly it really is up to the individuals in that group to decide whether they like the woman in the event that they do meet her. What happens if they decide that she's perfectly nice? Isn't there a risk that that that will reflectively negatively on the OP if the OP's been bad-mouthing her?

Seems to me the best thing is just to wait and see if something happens first. If this woman does start talking negatively about you and it gets back to you just say "we've never really got along but I daresay she's fine with other people". People will draw their own conclusions as to who's the mature individual in those circumstances.

YANBU, this would really piss me off.

I think I would try and build bridges a little bit though. It's likely she will end up friends with one or more of your friends, either to spite you or because she has a genuine 'connection' with one or more of them. Make it clear that you know you don't like one another and don't need to be best mates, but as you'll be practically neighbours and will likely start to mix in the same circles (or at least have children that may mix in the same circles) then you should try and be civil.

It's worth a try.

@LyndaLaHughes

See I disagree with the comments to keep quiet with your friends. If this woman is as vile as you say, I wouldn't put it past her to try and do you down subtly in front of them. She sounds very manipulative. You don't have to give details but can have a conversation around how she is moving here and unfortunately she has said and done some upsetting things to you in the past and so you although you know they wouldn't you would appreciate them not revealing any info about you at all. Don't give any details. Don't be drawn in it- just give a subtle heads up so that she can then dig her own grave but they will be alert to the possibility.

I absolutely agree. Your friends need to be on "alert" before she weadles her way in.

" I think but not 100% sure that she’s just not very nice!"

You've never spoken to her, so how can you make that judgement? One person's say so shouldn't influence you to that degree. It could be motivated by jealousy, pettiness, insecurity etc. You've not bothered to invite her and find out. You've interpretated her as smirking, it could have been an awkward smile, because she knows that she's excluded.

OP, has it occurred to you that as a SAHM she isn't getting a say on were they are moving?

It was a terrible thing to say, but posters have ran away with themselves to demonise her. You started it by telling her how insignificant she was compared to all of you who'd known her DH longer and how she wasn't entitled to voice an opinion.

"She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate."
That's what's really going on, work on that. She can't help that she's gorgeous.

Your friends need to be on "alert" before she weadles her way in.

Are the people in this group not perfectly entitled to be friends with this woman if they want to be?

I haven't rtft but fwiw I think you should very subtly say something to your friendship group, such as 'a woman I know is moving here soon and I'm a little nervous about her knowing about my PND. I know you wouldn't say anything on purpose but would you mind keeping quiet about what I've shared about that please? It's just that she upset me quite a lot once when she found out I had an abortion years ago by suggesting my subsequent miscarriage was karma. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me but I'd rather keep things a bit private from her if that's ok'.

Leave it at that, say nothing other than nice things about her and if they've got any sense they will privately be shocked that she said that to you and form their own opinions without you needing to do anything further.

It sounds like she's insecure and perhaps will relish in the prospect of moving near to you and having you as someone she can belittle in order to make herself feel better. You do need to give at least a hint of what's she like to your friendship group before she has the chance to enmesh herself I think.

@HPFA

Your friends need to be on "alert" before she weadles her way in.

Are the people in this group not perfectly entitled to be friends with this woman if they want to be?

Of course they are, but as the friend of someone who was hurt by this person, I would appreciate some factual background information from my friend about this new person. Otherwise I might inadvertently hurt my friend, or expose myself to getting hurt by this woman myself.

@PeaceONoeuf You would leave your husband if he told one of his close friends about the loss of his child? You do realise that would be his baby too, not just yours, right? Unbelievable. Marriages are not disposable

Of course they are, but as the friend of someone who was hurt by this person, I would appreciate some factual background information from my friend about this new person. Otherwise I might inadvertently hurt my friend, or expose myself to getting hurt by this woman myself.

Interesting. I'd probably feel quite resentful if I thought a friend was trying to limit my other friendships and was trying to influence me against someone I've never even met. What happens if I then meet the woman and decide that I like her and want to be friends? Should I feel guilty? Isn't there a risk I'd be annoyed with the person who put me in this situation?

@TreborBore - I wouldn’t bother here. This new woman sounds like she’ll shoot herself in the foot if she’s anything like OP says she is (with no filter and being nasty).

I do know of a couple of women
I knew (an ex workmate and someone I knew through a friend) who both moved for work to same area of London (where none of us worked). One of them was new to our friendship group through her boyfriend. They were both known as being bitches and we tried not to socialise with them but had to due to mutual friends and then partners. We just left to them to it re the bitching and nasty comments and eventually as far as I recall one moved back to her home country on the other side of the world. The other woman then left her high powered job to train in alternative therapies which made me snigger and she now runs a successful business doing something completely different but which I can imagine needs good customer service skills.

This. Also it made me LOL!

@vixeyann

You've been there 9 years and obviously have a close knit group of friends, who are unlikely to have their heads turned by someone new to the village over you. Be secure they know and like you enough not to have her change their minds about you. I feel for you, though, as I would hate it too. Fingers crossed for you their sale falls through x

This! 👆 They will be able to see her for what she really is. Really hope the move doesn't come to fruition.

I should have mentioned that we knew the house was sold ages ago but they’ve only just told us the week before they move which is weird in itself imho