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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please don’t move near us!

273 replies

Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 11:27

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/01/2022 14:07

What the woman said about your miscarriage is unforgivable. However you did say Op that there's been bad behaviour on both sides. What would happen if you just stopped engaging with this woman do you think?

ESGdance · 02/01/2022 14:08

I also think that if she is aware enough of herself to declare that she has “no filter” - you really don’t have too much to worry about as she will go crashing socially through the village on her own steam.

slashlover · 02/01/2022 14:12

Why are people acting as if this woman deliberately bought a house two doors down from OP so she could move there and ruin OPs life? Chances are that OP did not feature in the decision at all, it's her DP's DF's DW and their kids will be different ages and not interact. OP is probably not that important to this woman in the grand scheme of things and is not boing given 1% of the headspace that OP s giving her.

Would people really not move somewhere because someone they don't get on with lives on the same street?

LyndaLaHughes · 02/01/2022 14:15

See I disagree with the comments to keep quiet with your friends. If this woman is as vile as you say, I wouldn't put it past her to try and do you down subtly in front of them. She sounds very manipulative.
You don't have to give details but can have a conversation around how she is moving here and unfortunately she has said and done some upsetting things to you in the past and so you although you know they wouldn't you would appreciate them not revealing any info about you at all. Don't give any details. Don't be drawn in it- just give a subtle heads up so that she can then dig her own grave but they will be alert to the possibility.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/01/2022 14:15

It all sounds very petty and I'm sure there is room for both of you in the village.

Nathlash · 02/01/2022 14:15

@slashlover

Why are people acting as if this woman deliberately bought a house two doors down from OP so she could move there and ruin OPs life? Chances are that OP did not feature in the decision at all, it's her DP's DF's DW and their kids will be different ages and not interact. OP is probably not that important to this woman in the grand scheme of things and is not boing given 1% of the headspace that OP s giving her.

Would people really not move somewhere because someone they don't get on with lives on the same street?

No, but if the person I didn’t like was married to my husband’s best friend, I’d probably think twice — though it’s not clear to me from the OP’s posts how much she and the other woman actually see one another.
Wotsitsits · 02/01/2022 14:16

This would send me over the edge OP. Unfortunately there are people in life who do go out of their way to steal people's friends / gossip and take pleasure in spoiling friendships. Bullies basically.

I agree with the advice to pretend you have no opinions or history with her whatsoever to your friends. You have to stay neutral and calm at all costs. She will out herself as a nasty bully in her own time, you cannot give hints or tips because unfortunately it will just make you look bad even though you are telling the truth. I've seen this type of dynamic play out before at least 3 times I can think of. The only road for you is the high road. You don't need to condone or accept her bad behaviour but neither can you retaliate. You have to calmly keep very firm personal boundaries.
that includes zero gossip and zero venting to mutual friends.

One day you will be able to look back on this drama and laugh, best of luck OP.

Wickywoo1984 · 02/01/2022 14:17

Apart from the karma comment which actually wasn't as bad when you put it into context, to me it sounds like you're very jealous of her as she highlights your perceived weak points/ guilt. You say you've both done nasty things to each other but didn't specify what you did.

If I were you I'd work on my confidence levels and ignore her. If it's a small village chances are she will end up making friends within the same pool of people, so I wouldn't go telling people what she said to you and I'd just let people make up their own mind about her- if she's as vile as you portray her then it won't take long.

floatinginmyhomie · 02/01/2022 14:18

Your husband doesn’t seem supportive at all, what is his thoughts on the karma comment?.

Mofomo · 02/01/2022 14:20

In what possible context can the karma comment be ok??!!

Mofomo · 02/01/2022 14:20

*to wicky woo

Wotsitsits · 02/01/2022 14:21

Ps. In practical terms, downplay the fact you know her. Be nurturing specific friendships now so that you have a pool of mums you can do 1 to 1 "quality time" meet ups where you can feasibly ensure she is excluded without raising the suspicions of the other mums. IME if you try to continue with group stuff there will always be some sweet soul who tries to make sure the newcomer is included in everything - you cannot be seen to be against that, it's a lovely sentiment and you have to trust that it will wear off once they find out how nasty she is. My advice would be mysteriously "busy" or ill whenever she's at a group event. Reducing exposure to her is key for your success, much less opportunity for her to say something upsetting that will tip you off the delicate neutral path.

TreborBore · 02/01/2022 14:21

I would also tell close friends you can trust that she made nasty comments to you about being a working parent and that these contributed to your PND. Is that right? This woman responded cruelty about your miscarriage where the decent thing is to be sympathetic, and she damaged your mental health. This is serious stuff that a good friend would definitely want to be aware of. If a friend told me this about someone I didn’t know, I’d be civil but I would keep my distance and not get involved with them.

Tiredalwaystired · 02/01/2022 14:22

I’m confused as to why people are suggesting the husband has any sway over a house move?

Moving house isn’t exactly a decision anyone makes on a whim is it? They’re hardly going to pull out because someone else doesn’t like the idea.

OP you know you’re being unreasonable but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel the way you feel. You are however going to have to find a way to live with their decision as you can’t demand any changes. Hopefully it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you think x

slashlover · 02/01/2022 14:23

No, but if the person I didn’t like was married to my husband’s best friend, I’d probably think twice — though it’s not clear to me from the OP’s posts how much she and the other woman actually see one another.

But she doesn't need to have anything to do with the woman, I have friends where I've never met their partners.

slashlover · 02/01/2022 14:25

I would also tell close friends you can trust that she made nasty comments to you about being a working parent and that these contributed to your PND. Is that right? This woman responded cruelty about your miscarriage where the decent thing is to be sympathetic, and she damaged your mental health.

OP has not said anywhere that this woman affected her PND or mental health.

Wickywoo1984 · 02/01/2022 14:27

@Mofomo
I didn't say it was ok. I said it wasn't as bad. It was a still a shitty comment to make, however saying "well the miscarriage was karma because of the abortion" it different to "you’re coping really well after the miscarriage, if it were me I’d be driving myself mad thinking it was karma".

Nathlash · 02/01/2022 14:28

@slashlover

No, but if the person I didn’t like was married to my husband’s best friend, I’d probably think twice — though it’s not clear to me from the OP’s posts how much she and the other woman actually see one another.

But she doesn't need to have anything to do with the woman, I have friends where I've never met their partners.

Yes, me too — which is why I said it’s not clear to me how much the OP and this woman see each other. I also have friends whose spouses or partners I don’t know or gave only met once or twice, but there’s a vocal subset on Mn that thinks it’s weird, for instance, to have opposite-sex friendships ‘unchaperoned’ by one or both spouses, and defaults to ‘couple’ social occasions.
Sandunesandseashells · 02/01/2022 14:29

[quote Wickywoo1984]@Mofomo
I didn't say it was ok. I said it wasn't as bad. It was a still a shitty comment to make, however saying "well the miscarriage was karma because of the abortion" it different to "you’re coping really well after the miscarriage, if it were me I’d be driving myself mad thinking it was karma".
[/quote]
The second is more passive aggressive but both are equally vile and wholly unnecessary.

Tistheseason17 · 02/01/2022 14:30

Hi OP. I think you have been very rational and balanced with your comments and honest on your reactions and feelings. This is not about SA vs working mums - this is about difficult relationships.
I cannot imagine anyone on this thread is perfect and has never said anything negative about someone else.

2 things stick out for me.

  1. Your husband's language towards you about your feelings about this is not supportive. I'd be worried he is going to invite both around your house as he values the husbands friendship above your feelings. This is the bigger issue and you need to iron this out asap. I am also thinking that he mist "really" like the wife to think this is a good idea at the expense of your feelings.
  1. Do tell your close friends about your feelings. You have a right to privacy and she may infer that as your husbands are friends she already knows stuff that she does not. Just be honest and clear - "someone new is moving to the village that I know - but I am not close friends with her like I am with you so please do not share what I have told you personally as she does not know. Also, she made a comment about a past abortion and my recent miscarriage using the word karma - no conversation with miscarriage/abortion should have the word karma in it anywhere even if trying to "be supportive", which she was not as you are not close.

Good luck. There is a proper cow in my village but thankfully my DH is not friends with the husband!!

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 14:31

And I’m sorry but if you’re are going to pass judgement on how I live my life and bring up my kids then I will jugar you too. I have NO issues with anyone being a stay at home mum but as soon as you accuse working parents of being lesser parents then I have a big problem. The idea that you shouldn’t have kids unless one parent can be at home all the time is unrealistic and nothing to do with you so it’s an unnecessary judgement. Which was the case.

Right but nowhere in your OP or did you make it clear you don't have a problem with SAHMs and that you only said that to her in a 'tit for tat' way.

OhGiveUp · 02/01/2022 14:32

You can't demand that someone doesn't move into your village, life doesn't work like that. She's moving to the village probably because she likes it, and would have done whether you live there or not.
You don't have to be friends with her, just because your DH is friends with her DH. It's his friendship, not yours.
You sound jealous because you're frightened that she's going to 'steal' your friends, which makes you sound about ten.
You need to grow up.

EchosMum2007 · 02/01/2022 14:40

You have my sympathies, not a pleasant situation to be in. I was just listening to a lecture on the psychology of relationships by British philosopher Alain de Botton. His advice on handling difficult adults you have to interact with is this: treat them as if they were a 5 year old. With kindness, light-hearted humour and sympathy (and I would add, pity!) Little Karen is being judgy and starts telling nasty things to your face (or behind your back), just go "Oh, poor little dear, who upset you so badly? Why are you being so unhappy? Why don't we have a nice cuppa with a jam sandwich and make it all better, shall we? You can tell me all about your problems then. You do like strawberry jam sarnies, don't you, dear? I do have some plum jam too if you prefer" - something along those line, just be extra-extra nice and "genuine" without giving away the sarcasm. Just treat any nasty behaviour from her as a sign of her deep insecurity and underlying unhappiness/psychological problems (perhaps a sign of her childhood trauma?) Basically, kill her with love. You may find that she'll get so unnerved and irritated by this type of behaviour from you, that she'll start avoiding any contact with you altogether going forward.
I also strongly agree with the advice above to "be civil and say nothing about her to your group of friends in your town".

SpookyScarySkeletons · 02/01/2022 14:45

I would feel the same.

However if she behaves with everyone else the way she behaves with you it doesn't sound like she will be making any friends soon!

Contactmap · 02/01/2022 14:52

Why the eff are they doing it? Are they aware of your feelings?
I suspect that this couple don't give the OP even 1% of the head space she gives to them.

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