Please don’t move near us!

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So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

@Chamomileteaplease

How far along the moving process are they? I am wondering if they can pull out?

Why hasn't your husband asked his friend not to move there? He needs to protect you from this woman .

Sorry to say but I can imagine your mental health plummeting if this goes ahead. Does your husband not realise the impact this could have on your family's lives?

Why should they pull out of the move because it doesn’t suit the OP? That’s a joke, surely?

Even my DH was a bit “wtf”

Oh and mention she is SUPER judgy about cleanliness of other people's homes and makes comments about homes she has been in.

THAT would definitely put people off🤭

This is v odd that they had it signed, sealed and delivered before letting you know - that’s really odd behaviour IMHO. Did your DH not know his best mate’s house was up for sale and no ask where they were off to?

@billy1966

Oh and mention she is SUPER judgy about cleanliness of other people's homes and makes comments about homes she has been in.

THAT would definitely put people off🤭

Why are you advising that OP makes up lies about this woman?

It looks like they knew I wouldn’t be that happy and didn’t want to say doesn’t it? I know for a fact my husband didn’t know because he was so shocked and he’s a terrible liar LOL

they sold their house ages ago and they always said they hadn’t found a house yet. People move all the time so we didn’t think it was weird that they were looking to move then the house near us sold

Weird

@billy1966

Oh and mention she is SUPER judgy about cleanliness of other people's homes and makes comments about homes she has been in.

THAT would definitely put people off🤭

Lol

Im not going to lie

To be honest I think I won’t mention it apart from “we know each other but don’t see that much of each other now” if asked

And when she is awful (as I don’t doubt she will be at some point) I’ll mention what’s gone on, just say I didn’t want to burden my friends with it/ wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt

Oh, that’s interesting.
DH’s Bezzie didn’t mention buying the house until the deal was done.

Seize the moment & discuss with DH about how to best to keep your boundaries with your new neighbours.

Maybe DH & Bezzie are OK with a mate’s worth of distance between them, no closer than that though.

Maybe your DH is more of an ally now that his Bezzie who knows him inside-out-sideways-on will be yapping to you, your neighbours & down the pub. Seems like Bezzie sings like a canary & is not so good at keeping his trap shut. Were I in DH’s shoes, I’d be wary.

She probably didn't give you a second thought when choosing to move. Think you need to take a step back and realise the world doesn't revolve around you. From the OP yabu.

This woman is about to have a baby and move to a new neighbourhood, almost next door to someone who hates her. If she wasn’t anxious about this it would be incredible.

You are not at all unreasonable to vent, how difficult. I agree with PP that you should give a discreet heads up to your closest friends so that they can support you. You will need to be careful about who you tell and stick to the facts because people are naturally more positively inclined to people with newborns. If you tell others that she’s an evil bitch they may not be inclined to believe it, even if she is in reality.

Can't be that good friends if DH's pal never asked him anything about the house? (He could have dropped in a few 'there was a murder there I heard' or ''there are strange goings on in there' etc 😂

You've said YABU but I completely get why.

As others have said she will show her true self eventually. I have known a few school mums like this and over time others have seen it too.

Other posters have suggested really good ways to not get drawn into being a bitch.

Just remember, you can't control others but you can control your own actions. If you behave with integrity you know you've done your bit.
How she behaves is down to her.

You may lose a few friends but maybe they weren't real friends anyway? Nine years is a long time and your true friends won't be swayed by a newcomer.

I wonder if they are secretion see if you two as a couple and see where you live as somewhere to aspire to? Or maybe they just went for a house they like in an area they like and it didn't occur to them it might cause an issue?

We have some close friends in a lovely town but when we were house hunting I ruled out that town as I wanted my own space.

Good luck

"Seems like Bezzie sings like a canary & is not so good at keeping his trap shut. Were I in DH’s shoes, I’d be wary."

Well of Op's husband keeps his "trap shut" then "Bezzie" won't have anything to "sing" about!

It sounds like a nightmare OP
Be the bigger person as much as you can. Don’t bitch. Don’t ‘warn’ people. Be polite when you bump into her. Try not to focus on her.
You sound like very different people so your lives probably won’t intertwine that much.
There isn’t much else you can do.

This all sounds like over inflated drama to me. You don't have to like her so just be pleasant and move on. I think the karma comment is more crass than anything too.

This whole thread reminds me of my girls boarding school. I would be so turned off with attending a baby group where anyone was gossiping about another woman.

YANBU. But just be civil, just because you know her doesn't mean you have to invite her to your mum groups etc. you can keep your distance still.

@Ponoka7

" I think but not 100% sure that she’s just not very nice!"

You've never spoken to her, so how can you make that judgement? One person's say so shouldn't influence you to that degree. It could be motivated by jealousy, pettiness, insecurity etc. You've not bothered to invite her and find out. You've interpretated her as smirking, it could have been an awkward smile, because she knows that she's excluded.

OP, has it occurred to you that as a SAHM she isn't getting a say on were they are moving?

It was a terrible thing to say, but posters have ran away with themselves to demonise her. You started it by telling her how insignificant she was compared to all of you who'd known her DH longer and how she wasn't entitled to voice an opinion.

"She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate."
That's what's really going on, work on that. She can't help that she's gorgeous.

@Ponoka7 - I’ve only spoken to her DH and her DC - all nice enough. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to her. I can’t invite her as I don’t know her well enough to do so! I tried on more than one occasion to get them to invite her along and it was a no both times so gave up! It’s strange because the second mum moved to the area after the first two mums, she’s very outgoing and friendly too, so would’ve thought she wouldn’t made friends with “Amanda” if she’d wanted to. I suppose I’m slightly biased as I’m fairly outgoing and friendly and say hi to the mums I know who live near me.

From both the other neighbours (both friends of mine) and another neighbour friend, they’ve all said if I ever bring her up, to invite out or ask about her, it’s mostly avoidance or negative. It’s not just one person. I do think she thinks she’s something special (job?) and I definitely got an unpleasant mean girls vibe off her. Her DH actually isn’t bad, quite nice.

@belimoo

I haven't rtft but fwiw I think you should very subtly say something to your friendship group, such as 'a woman I know is moving here soon and I'm a little nervous about her knowing about my PND. I know you wouldn't say anything on purpose but would you mind keeping quiet about what I've shared about that please? It's just that she upset me quite a lot once when she found out I had an abortion years ago by suggesting my subsequent miscarriage was karma. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me but I'd rather keep things a bit private from her if that's ok'.

Leave it at that, say nothing other than nice things about her and if they've got any sense they will privately be shocked that she said that to you and form their own opinions without you needing to do anything further.

It sounds like she's insecure and perhaps will relish in the prospect of moving near to you and having you as someone she can belittle in order to make herself feel better. You do need to give at least a hint of what's she like to your friendship group before she has the chance to enmesh herself I think.

This is good if you don't mind being honest about your previous termination? Any current friend who isn't shocked by this shouldn't really be considered a friend.

@HPFA

I'm quite puzzled at some of the comments here saying "tell all these people how awful this woman is". I can't see what that is going to achieve.

For a start this woman might form a different group of friends so it would be irrelevant anyway.

Secondly it really is up to the individuals in that group to decide whether they like the woman in the event that they do meet her. What happens if they decide that she's perfectly nice? Isn't there a risk that that that will reflectively negatively on the OP if the OP's been bad-mouthing her?

Seems to me the best thing is just to wait and see if something happens first. If this woman does start talking negatively about you and it gets back to you just say "we've never really got along but I daresay she's fine with other people". People will draw their own conclusions as to who's the mature individual in those circumstances.

^^ I agree with this. If others like her, OP could end up looking like the bitchy one.

I agree with @WinterDeWinter and @belimoo. Saying something factual about what happened in the past to close friends isn’t badmouthing someone. It’s telling the truth.

If I was a friend of the OP I would be glad of the advance information and pleased that the OP regarded me a good enough friend to confide in me. I wouldn’t be horrible to this newcomer but I’d be cautious and would never discuss the OP with her if we did become friends.

I think you have to move. For your sake. And if your husband won't go no contact with this friend because of his absolutely disgusting slither of a human being partner then I would think about leaving him behind aswell. Awful.

This thread is full of the most ridiculous projection. The OP hasn't actually said a great deal about this woman (other than that she made the crass suggestion that a miscarriage might be 'karma' and makes pops at her about being a working mother), and has been quite evasive about her own behaviour. But she, this woman, has been called a bully, manipulative and an 'absolutely disgusting slither of a human being partner'. Some of you come across as extraordinarily biddable and suggestible to the ends of a stranger who might, or might not, be the most reliable of narrators. All, frankly, a bit odd.