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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please don’t move near us!

273 replies

Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 11:27

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/01/2022 14:52

Urgh will your kids be in same nursery/primary

SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2022 14:55

Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? because you don't factor as that important to her
I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit but you don't make her feel that way, she makes you feel that way
let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) she's probably, if she's considered it at all, assumed she'll easily make friends

I get why you're upset, but you have to try and make her less important to your life. Ignore her when you can, basic manners when you can't and don't bitch about her to the locals

gertie445 · 02/01/2022 14:57

Nightmare situation.
Keep your friends close and keep well away from her. Personally I would tell my friends I've had some issues in the past and can't socialise with her.
There's nothing else you can do.

Are your children likely to go to the same school?

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 14:58

@Hankunamatata

Urgh will your kids be in same nursery/primary
No luckily. We do have kids the same age but they go to different private schools. I don’t know about nursery, it might happen eventually but at least there will have been some time elapsed to settle into the idea of us being in such close proximity. And when I’m working I don’t generally do the school run anyway!
OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/01/2022 15:04

@Feelsunfair

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!? I think he finds it really hard as it limits the relationship we have with one of his good friends

Well now I don't like your husband very much.

Your husband sounds awful.

He couldn't keep his big mouth shut.

I would also hate this, and feel sorry for you.

Married to a twat like your husband and having his twat friends moving in on top of you.

You poor woman.Flowers

TreborBore · 02/01/2022 15:08

I imagine the people downplaying this scenario have never had difficult neighbours. Some friends were driven from their dream retirement cottage in a small village by horrible and sold up at a loss. This situation is complicated by already knowing the couple and you having a different relationship to them than your husband.

CheshireKitten123 · 02/01/2022 15:12

OP I really sympathise with your position but YABU in that she can move where she likes.

However, this jumped out at me;

"My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her."

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his lack of boundaries.

As for her, I think she's got issues. If she is such a 'perfect mum' why do it matter two hoots to her about what you do? And why be so nasty about your miscarriage? That's unforgiveable.
Maybe her 'perfect life isn't as perfect as she would like everybody to think.

Head high OP, you are better than all this

Flowers
ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 02/01/2022 15:15

It was a dick move for your husband to talk about your abortion. That’s nobody’s business.

Tistheseason17 · 02/01/2022 15:17

@TreborBore

I imagine the people downplaying this scenario have never had difficult neighbours. Some friends were driven from their dream retirement cottage in a small village by horrible and sold up at a loss. This situation is complicated by already knowing the couple and you having a different relationship to them than your husband.
I totally agree with this. When adults behave in such a manipulative manner and mutual friends believe their distorted version of the truth it can be pretty distressing. And when you try to defend yourself you end up coming off as the mad person. Thankfully, the manipulators in my village have shown true colours to many, and I have distanced myself from those who believe their lies.
diddl · 02/01/2022 15:17

Your husband sounds a real oddball.

Discussing your medical history, calling you petty/jealous.

Sounds as if his friend's wife isn't the only one with no filter.

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 15:18

Hold on. I just realised this is quite similar to the plot of Grace and Frankie.

The good news is that, after a lot of misunderstanding and heart ache, they ended up the very best of friends.

The bad news is... well. Maybe it's all for the best.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 15:21

@PegasusReturns

This won’t be popular but I hope you have a plan because if you don’t she is going to be the one meeting your mum friends in that cafe weekly.
Absolutely.

Is her name Wendy?

Robinkitty · 02/01/2022 15:22

I was in a similar-ish situation. Woman who I really didn’t like pregnant at the same time as me. I imagined the dynamic of the stay and play sessions would be like when I was at work with her isolating me and being the Queen bee. It worried me. I’m not sure why but she completely changed when she had the baby and became a shadow of her formal self it was actually very sad.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 02/01/2022 15:31

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!?

Wow. It gets worse.
You can ignore this woman and her taunts. Rise above it, don’t engage with her mind games.
Your dh problem is the bigger issue here

FrankGrillosWrist · 02/01/2022 15:36

YANBU OP. This lot would feel exactly the same if it happened to them, but it hasn’t so they come on here & spout nonsense. They clearly have absolutely no idea what village life is like either. They love a newcomer & will be hanging on to her every bitchy word. You need to toughen up & give as good as you get.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/01/2022 15:37

@LyndaLaHughes

See I disagree with the comments to keep quiet with your friends. If this woman is as vile as you say, I wouldn't put it past her to try and do you down subtly in front of them. She sounds very manipulative. You don't have to give details but can have a conversation around how she is moving here and unfortunately she has said and done some upsetting things to you in the past and so you although you know they wouldn't you would appreciate them not revealing any info about you at all. Don't give any details. Don't be drawn in it- just give a subtle heads up so that she can then dig her own grave but they will be alert to the possibility.
I agree.

I’ve seen the dignified silence / moral high ground thing backfire more than once.

I think this is solid advice and a good middle ground.

RachAnneKirl90 · 02/01/2022 15:37

I live in a lovely small, old village (about 400 houses total).
My lovely next door neighbour has just moved out after 8 years.

everyone liked her. A woman she used to know moved in at the end of the street, and told everyone that my neighbour was horrible, gossiped about her divorce and her job etc - it was was terrible. This new woman soon sat on every committee: community association, parish council, church council, local youth club, she joined the choir and all the clubs in the village hall.
It reached a point when my neighbour felt she couldn't go out of her front door, let alone to any social activities at all.
It was very sad, and I'm sad that she has gone. She felt under seige. I can't give too many details, but it was really awful. I don't do "friends" but this lady was a great person.

I see parallels with your case - I am also afraid that if I were you, I would watch your husband around her. He sounds disloyal.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2022 15:38

Your husband's attitude is the biggest problem here. You need him on your team. You really need to talk to him about how hurtful her comment was - not just how hurtful you found it, this isn't subjective, it was an objectively nasty thing to say.

Normski67 · 02/01/2022 15:45

Why the hell did your husband tell them your private information?!? WTF was he thinking?
There is potential for you to get Wendied here, and I think you need to anticipate this, and lay the ground work early so your friends are sympathetic to you if / before she tries to get into your friendship group. I agree with @LyndaLaHughes ‘ approach.

Summersnake · 02/01/2022 15:46

Well
If she hated you as much as you hate her ,I doubt very much she would of moved to a house 2 doors down from you .
Maybe she’s not that bothered by you

midlifecrash · 02/01/2022 15:48

The house two doors down from you? You mean the one with the subsidence problem and the bodged damp proof course, with the old sewer pipe with the rats in at the bottom of the garden, where the drug dealers used to live? That house?

HPFA · 02/01/2022 15:51

I kind of feel like the husband here is getting a hard time.

Assuming he was the father when the abortion happened I can well imagine he might have felt a need to talk about this with a close friend. I doubt a woman would be so instantly condemned for discussing something like this with a female friend.

phishy · 02/01/2022 15:55

Her comments after your miscarriage were appalling. OP, get your group of mums on side by telling them how nasty she has been, don’t let her Wendy her way into the group.

Don’t facilitate their friendships and never invite them as a couple in to your home.

PodcastFunFair · 02/01/2022 15:55

I'm in a very similar situation apart from the dh part.
Sadly her dc go to the same primary as my dc now and she has infiltrated my social network there and within my new village now.
Luckily she lost out on buying a house on same road as me that would have been awful.
She's also started working at the same place I volunteer in a nearby city very niche organisation but she's suddenly taken that over too.
I've posted about it on here before as it does feel suffocating at times especially as she seems to go out of her way to befriend my friends but I've taken the high road and grey rock her whenever possible which seems to annoy her more.
I pity her really it's all a bit sad and it sounds like this is the case for you dh friend a happy wouldn't be so cruel and judgy. Head up high op and I will keep every crossed for you that their house doesn't go through.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2022 15:55

I don't suppose she is as bothered by OP as OP is by her. Bullies, manipulators and steamroller types generally aren't 'bothered' by the people they bully, manipulate and flatten.

From her pov, you've done her groundwork for her; set up inroads into all the relevant local groups. She can use you for introductions, then sweep past you and conquer.