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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please don’t move near us!

273 replies

Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 11:27

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/01/2022 12:07

There's not much that you can do really, except to make it very clear to your DH that he is NOT to say anything about you or your family to his friend EVER.

Tell your Mum friends and ask their advice on handling it. If they are aware then they can be physically close by or intercede if they see her cornering you at baby group etc. It's also less likely that you will unexpectedly find that she's part of a meet up, it's normal kindness to invite someone new to the area to a cafe group meet but if your friends know about the history then they can warn you if she's invited.

blueflowersinthesnow · 02/01/2022 12:07

That sounds awful. Why would she want to move so close to someone she doesn't like? Does your DH know the two of you don't get on?

Wizzbangfizz · 02/01/2022 12:08

This is awful and would be my worst nightmare - why are they doing it?!

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/01/2022 12:08

I would hate this SO much and be utterly livid with your ‘D’H!!!!

Why is your husband telling people about your abortion?
Why is he saying nothing when his friends wife is throwing your personal and private medical information in your face?
Why is he still friends with them?

Arghhhhh

No advice just Flowers

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 12:08

To be honest the main thing I’m worried about is:

Im going back to work soon after maternity leave. She is about to have a baby and doesn’t work anyway, I really feel worried she is going to take over/infiltrate the one thing I hold dear which is my private friendship group of mums. I’m quite a private person but they know about how I’ve been going through bad PND and I really don’t want that to get back to her.

OP posts:
Nillynally · 02/01/2022 12:09

What an opportunity to kill her with kindness. Annihilate her with it.

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 12:11

@Nathlash

Hang in, there must be missing background here. Is it not obvious to both men how much you and this woman dislike one another? Don’t you talk about it to your DH? Did no one from the other couple ever happen to mention viewing the house for sake second next door to you, if the men are close friends? Why would she want to move to be an immediate neighbour of someone she loathes?
I literally have no idea why they would want to move so close, apart from the fact that it is a very nice area

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!? I think he finds it really hard as it limits the relationship we have with one of his good friends.

OP posts:
Mammma91 · 02/01/2022 12:11

That sounds awful. So sorry about your misscarrige OP. I hope your well Flowers , the termination is none of her business and she has no right to pass judgement on a situation she knows nothing about. I would avoid her as much as possible and ensure in the future your husband doesn’t share personal details to people like that. I’d also make a point if ignoring her hostility and carry on as normal, not reacting to her. Although i know this is much easier said than done. Don’t do them any favours

lobsteroll · 02/01/2022 12:11

That sounds like a nightmare situation and I really empathise.

I would definitely go high if she goes low. Definitely don't slag her off to your friends or say why you don't like her. That way if she starts getting nasty and talking about you, they will see right through her for who she is and they will make their own minds up about her.

lobsteroll · 02/01/2022 12:11

And yes, kill with kindness, it will throw her off guard.

BeLessMe · 02/01/2022 12:12

@poissonrouge1

My advice, be civil and say nothing about her to your group of friends in your town. If anyone mentions her then smile and say “yes I know her” and change the conversation. DO NOT get dragged into slagging her off or saying what she’s like.

She’ll be seen for who she is soon enough.

^ I agree with this.
notanothertakeaway · 02/01/2022 12:16

Maintain the moral high ground and keep your dignity

Don't bitch about her to your friends, as it'll make you look bad. If you have to say anything, just say that her DH is a friend if your DH, but you don't know her well

BorsetshireBanality · 02/01/2022 12:18

Don’t invite her to anything and no “welcome to the village” get togethers!

vixeyann · 02/01/2022 12:19

You've been there 9 years and obviously have a close knit group of friends, who are unlikely to have their heads turned by someone new to the village over you. Be secure they know and like you enough not to have her change their minds about you. I feel for you, though, as I would hate it too. Fingers crossed for you their sale falls through x

LessTime · 02/01/2022 12:19

Did she make the ‘karma’ comment to you or did someone tell you she said it? If it’s the later then it’s an unkind and shit stiring thing to do.

PriamFarrl · 02/01/2022 12:20

Friend of mine lived in a small village in the West Country. There was another family in the village with children the same age.
The children were friends, as were the husbands, but my friend couldn’t stand the other woman.

My friend decided to move back to her native Scotland, a little way north of Inverness. Guess who moved to the same village!

endofbluenight · 02/01/2022 12:20

God I would hate this. Though in a small community you are quite lucky that there is not already someone you don't like. Tolerating people you don't like is just a fact of life.

Having said that, I would be gutted if I were you.

Feelsunfair · 02/01/2022 12:22

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!? I think he finds it really hard as it limits the relationship we have with one of his good friends

Well now I don't like your husband very much.

NowEvenBetter · 02/01/2022 12:23

‘Kill her with kindness’ is so vapid, people like this will think OP is pathetic for simpering and rolling over to her. Be lovely to a woman who’s made vile comments about her? Fuck that.

Tell all your mates about her, tell them she said your miscarriage was ‘karma’ for previous medical treatment you’d had.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 12:24

How do you know about the 'karma' comment and what exactly did she say?

endofbluenight · 02/01/2022 12:24

I have to say OP, given the detail in your post, its quite likely your village friends now know exactly what you think of the newbie, and she may too. I'd consider asking for a post deletion if I were you.

NotVictorianHonestly · 02/01/2022 12:25

This might be a bit out there, but how about trying to turn over a new leaf together? You could suggest to her that you know there's been a lot of water under the bridge but your husbands are good friends and you're going to be close neighbours, so how about you both sit down together and try to work out your differences enough to coexist comfortably. You could even go to a counsellor together to facilitate that discussion. I think ultimately that would make you both a lot happier and avoid her causing trouble for you.

NowEvenBetter · 02/01/2022 12:25

Also, your husband sounds thick, OP. Get him to explain, in detail, why you should ‘let it go’ to facilitate his little friendship. And tell him he is not to discuss any of your private life with his mate.

HarlanPepper · 02/01/2022 12:25

@LessTime

Did she make the ‘karma’ comment to you or did someone tell you she said it? If it’s the later then it’s an unkind and shit stiring thing to do.
I wanted to ask this too. If she said it to her husband, who then reported it to her husband, who then reported it to you, I'm afraid I don't understand what's going on with anyone in this situation.

Otherwise, are you saying she got in touch with you specifically to say your miscarriage was karma for having an abortion?

notagainnotagain · 02/01/2022 12:26

Be the bigger person. Be civil and don't offer any opinions on her.

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