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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please don’t move near us!

273 replies

Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 11:27

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 02/01/2022 13:34

*be a driver FOR yours

Lou98 · 02/01/2022 13:35

The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other

What she said about the MC was disgusting but it doesn't sound from this as though the "judging" etc is one-sided. It sounds like both of you have been just as bad with each other.

There isn't really anything you can do, they maybe think it sounds like a nice area for their kids from hearing your DH talk about it so decided to move there.

I would just actively avoid spending time with her but you can't tell your Husband not to invite his friend round to the house as some PPs have suggested, that would be very controlling. It's fair to say you don't want her coming round, but his friend is his friend and he isn't responsible for his wife's actions anymore than your Husband is responsible for yours.

I wouldn't mention anything to any of your mum friends as it may backfire on you if they then meet her and she comes across well and they think it's you that's the problem. I'd let them form their own opinions if she meets them, although I can see why you wouldn't want her involved in the group

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 13:35

I have winced apologised for that comment which was years ago, but that’s where it started. I do maintain it was pretty stupid of her to bit h about someone to their own friendship group but she used the excuse of being someone with “no filter”

Im going to stop now because it’s turned into a bit of a slinging match and that’s not what I wanted.

I do appreciate your commments

Like I said I know it’s a bit unreasonable of me and they can live where they like but I’m allowed to find it uncomfortable too.

OP posts:
Fl0w3ry · 02/01/2022 13:35

I would feel exactly the same. A member of my family who I hate did similar. She took over everything I considered to be ‘my life’, she bitched and lied about me behind my back. And I am now in a situation where she has turned some people against me and in other situations she is always there. It is hell. It depends on this woman’s personality. She might just be a nuisance who is often there, or she might try and take your network for herself like my relative did. Or you might be lucky and all of your friends will hopefully see her for who she is. I feel for you, because something like this has a big psychological effect that others do not always understand.

Notonthestairs · 02/01/2022 13:37

Well there is judgy and then there is linking a miscarriage to karma. Thats not just judgy it's despicable. There is never any need to comment on a miscarriage unless it's to say I'm sorry.

Greenfields124 · 02/01/2022 13:38

I would feel the same.
I don't think YABU.
She sounds horrible.

TreborBore · 02/01/2022 13:41

She may not be openly obnoxious to people generally though. I would be brief but straight to the point with my friends and ask them not to discuss your business with her as others have suggested. Saying nothing and keeping the moral high ground doesn’t always work with manipulative people.

llantwitminor · 02/01/2022 13:44

If both your children and hers are going to be at school together and have not done so previously, you should think of a plan, in case of any difficulties.

ShinyHappyPoster · 02/01/2022 13:45

You can find it uncomfortable but what you really need to do is have a frank conversation with your DH because if his best friend is moving 2 doors down, your DH is going to have an expectation about how intertwined your lives will become. You need to be honest about it now if you can't support that level of interaction.

The way you described the karma comment in your later post is quite different from what you said in your OP. It does sound as though you both rub each other up the wrong way. You need to decide if you're going to let that niggle you every single day or if you can somehow reframe how you think about her and the friendship group. Your DH doesn't have your back on this so you also have to think carefully about how all this impacts your relationship.

slashlover · 02/01/2022 13:46

Im going to stop now because it’s turned into a bit of a slinging match and that’s not what I wanted.

You were perfectly fine when everyone was ripping into her.

lightisnotwhite · 02/01/2022 13:46

I had this when the OW moved very close to me (after they broke up). Luckily it was a different road but it still rankled whenever out oaths crossed.
Good neighbours are key. I don’t know what you can do but I think this will impact your life massively.

pansypotter123 · 02/01/2022 13:48

Even without friend moving into your village, surely there'll be other people you (and others) don't like? It's the same with neighbours everywhere. And people manage.

Mischance · 02/01/2022 13:49

That is awful. I live in a small village and treasure the community and the friends I have here. If a viper arrived in the nest I would be pretty miffed.

Is there some way you can find a way of getting on with her?

Can't imagine why she is moving so close when she does not get on with you.

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 13:50

It sounds like you've been horrible to each other, so it's hard to know if she is a nasty person or whether it's just that you don't get on.

It jumped out at me that you are blaming her for "making" you feel a certain way. I don't think it's fair to say anyone else is responsible for how you feel about yourself and your life.

It's also interesting that you think she will be able to "take over" and "infiltrate" your group of friends. You see her as someone very powerful and threatening. I wonder if it would help to try to see the good in her, and realise she's just another human being? And that probably her nastiness to you comes from the same frightened place as yours does to her?

Of course, she could be a horrible person. In that case, you can only keep your distance and wait for everyone else to see her for who she is.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 02/01/2022 13:50

@Logabog432

I’ll admit I’ve called her shallow before when she was slagging off mums who work and we really took a disliking to each other when I called her out for bitching about another friend of ours. I’m not proud but I did point out that she was the newest to the group and she shouldn’t be mouthing off opinions about people that knew her husband longer than she did. That was the worst thing I’ve said.

Up until now it’s been petty and as far as I’m concerned she crossed the line with the karma comment.

Ive basically been taking the “out of sight out of mind approach” until now and have never spoken to my mum friends about it

People like her usually show themselves up for who they really are and it will only be a matter of time before people cotton on. A new person joined our team at work several years ago. She is very opinionated and rude. Thankfully I moved on to another job but I know she’s not liked in that team. I think most people with any sense will see right through this person and if they let her colour their opinion of you then they probably aren’t worth having as friends anyway. I wonder why they are moving to a brand new area? Maybe she’s fallen out with her network in the area where they live currently. Sounds like she might be a bit jealous of you and the life you have.
slashlover · 02/01/2022 13:51

Can't imagine why she is moving so close when she does not get on with you.

Because she likes the house/area and doesn't actually care about the OP?

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 13:51

@slashlover

Im going to stop now because it’s turned into a bit of a slinging match and that’s not what I wanted.

You were perfectly fine when everyone was ripping into her.

As in a moaned about her more than I intended and actually it’s not fair so I’m going to stop 🙄
OP posts:
Elnetthairnet · 02/01/2022 13:52

Really feel for you - you’re in a tricky position because you’ve been nasty to her too, it’s not all one sided, and you come across as really judgy of her being a SAHM/insta mum etc. Tell your friends the back story, or they’ve only got her side to go on - and if she’s as much of a manipulative bitch as you make out it will be very easy for her to portray herself as hard done to - especially if your other mum friends are also SAHM like her.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 13:56

@slashlover

Im going to stop now because it’s turned into a bit of a slinging match and that’s not what I wanted.

You were perfectly fine when everyone was ripping into her.

Yep.

This is one of those threads where both sides of the story would be a real eye opener I expect.

dottiedodah · 02/01/2022 14:00

I feel for you and your position .Its horrible to feel someone you dont like is moving so close.However wherever we are in life we wont get on with everyone .Fact of life.Surely if you have known these ladies in your village for 9 years they will not be swayed by a newcomer? If you are working FT, are there friends at work you can engage with.If the mums group are at work too no problem.If they are working they will not see much of her . If they are true friends ,they will not listen to her anyway.

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 14:01

To be honest this has been helpful because I know I’m not generally an unpleasant person and as much as they are allowed to move close it’s not something I would do but there you go. It’s off my chest now. I feel better. There we are

And I’m sorry but if you’re are going to pass judgement on how I live my life and bring up my kids then I will jugar you too. I have NO issues with anyone being a stay at home mum but as soon as you accuse working parents of being lesser parents then I have a big problem. The idea that you shouldn’t have kids unless one parent can be at home all the time is unrealistic and nothing to do with you so it’s an unnecessary judgement. Which was the case.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 02/01/2022 14:01

I feel for you, OP. Regardless of what's happened in past, having them practically on your doorstep will be grim.

I'd make clear to your husband that he must meet with the friend away from home and otherwise be grey rock from the start. Polite but aloof. Establish very firm boundaries from the start. Good luck and please update when you can.

TreborBore · 02/01/2022 14:03

I would also read the riot act to your husband. Make it clear that life will get more uncomfortable if he doesn’t have your back. He may be in denial to some extent about how much you dislike each other and may be fantasizing about joint family bbqs and trips out. Knock these foolish delusions on the head.

No, you won’t be wasting your valuable time with this couple, you will not welcome them to the village, you will have no interaction with them other than the bare minimum, you will provide no introductions or help. You are also going to forewarn your friends about what she did in order to protect your privacy, which of course may involve telling them about how husband breached your privacy.

This couple, singly or together, aren’t welcome in your home. Remember that it is your home as much as his, and if they are hostile towards you and you don’t want them there, they don’t come. If you can’t be comfortable in your own space it crosses a line. Get tough.

ESGdance · 02/01/2022 14:04

You could flag to your close, trusted friends (not the whole group) that there is history but not go into the details as you don’t want to burden them with it - but only request is that they don’t inadvertently share any info (especially medical) about you - that should be enough to make them alert without you coming across as bitter.

I also don’t think it was wrong of you to call her out for bitching about someone else or her being judgemental of others life choices (if that’s how she came across) if you did it in a calm dignified manner.

Sounds (from others experiences) that giving a brief, low detail heads-up would be the way to go.

Branleuse · 02/01/2022 14:07

I dont think youre being unreasonable. Id be telling my husband that if they move in then im moving. Id also tell the woman or both of them that you think its pretty weird that they are moving so close to you and youre not impressed, especially considering the weird hostility and shitty comments. what on earth are they thinking?

I honestly think youve got nothing to lose being upfront. I think youre about to be pushed out of your own community, so you may as well try and do what you can to prevent this happening in the meantime. Maybe id even speak to the sellers of the house