Please don’t move near us!

[Logabog432]

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

I would probably mention the karma comment to my friends. You may find that at she is forced to be nice to you as she will need you inside in order to make friends. I wouldn't trust her tho.

But don't expect your village friends to take your side. Stay neutral. Try to be nice. But be honest before she arrives. I would give your friends a little if the background then never mention it again.

You can't control how she behaves. But you can rise above it.

OnwardsandSideways, exactly! You said everything I wanted to say, only much better than I managed in my post

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Am I the only one thinking all this angst is a bit of an over-reaction? We all have to work with or have friends of friends who aren't our favourite people. Just keep her as a neighbour, she's going to be a couple of doors down, not popping her head over the fence. Smile and wave. Say 'hi' if she attends any events or is in the local cafe. Don't give it so much headspace.

As for the person suggesting you ask them not to move- this is hilarious, you can't suggest people don't move to your village. If you live in a village, it's a free space, anyone can move into it and it's not up to you to try to control that. There's probably way worse people living in the village than her right now, you just don't know about it.

If she really is moving two doors down, then this post is highly identifiable and personally I'd take it down and get on with living your own life, not how you are going to police the boundaries of your little village and friends.

I agree, the OP is acting like the other woman deliberately decided to buy a house next to her to ruin her life. They don't like each other, nasty things have been said on both sides, although OP only states one from the other woman. OP says the other woman is judgey while being very judgemental about her Instagram, looks and how she doesn't work.

If the ”wondering if it’s karma” comment was as bad and brazen as you’re saying, and your husband just shrugged his shoulders, my biggest concern would be getting a new husband.

What does your DH think about what she said about your miscarriage. Does he still think you're just jealous /petty ? As in really can't see what your problem is. In the famous words of Msnt l think you have a DH problem, not a friend problem.
Also if you are very good friends with these mums can't you confide in them about how you feel about her so that they've got your version up front at least and if you really don't want her to know anything else about you such as the PND then just tell them so. Good friends should respect your wishes. I wouldn't word it all in such a way you sound as if trying turn them against her before she even arrives and would say to them to obv. take her as they find her and that's up to them but just a heads up not to discuss you with her etc

Wow, what a very strange situation all round.

Not much info on why the woman is such a cow tbh - the "karma" comment sounds like it could've been misconstrued. And why on earth did your dh repeat it to you?

Your dh sounds very unsupportive and like he is stirring the pot tbh. If I really disliked someone so much my dh would trust me enough to think I had good reason to feel that way and would stand by me. Not call me "jealous and petty"

My take on it is that your dh has been actively supportive in encouraging this couple to move so close as he wants to be near his "besties". I wonder if the the woman is completely oblivious to how much you hate her.

Sounds like your dh is encouraging your dislike and jealousy of her by repeating/twisting things he should keep to himself. If she is as horrible as you say - why isn't he horrified too that they are moving so close?

Why the hell did your husband blab the private matter of your abortion to her husband? Total breach of trust.

@notanothertakeaway

Maintain the moral high ground and keep your dignity

Don't bitch about her to your friends, as it'll make you look bad. If you have to say anything, just say that her DH is a friend if your DH, but you don't know her well

Kind of this. You are the nice one, you are the bigger soul. Don't lie and say you don't know her, but you are hurt and puzzled by any remarks that may be fed back from her. its a pity that you have been unpleasant to/about her in the past, but from now on you are gracious, understanding, sorry that she feels the need to be so unkind to you (if she does say stuff) This will boil her piss more than any feud could. Trust me on this. I don't think you can stop your husband flapping his jaw short of violence but again if your private matters are fed back to you, you are hurt and puzzled but gracious.

I’ve been in this situation as one of the friends. A woman (let’s call her Amy) who had unbeknown to us at the time, treated a dear friend (lets call her Beth) appallingly came into our circle and over time made a very concerted effort to oust Beth. Of course we couldn’t see it at the time but looking back it was very clearly intentionally.

We lived in an expat community and had very interwoven lives, so all spent a lot of time together. Beth had once alluded to not getting on well with Amy but always seemed to be reasonable/pleasant enough in her in company although it was clear they weren’t friends.

I ended up becoming quite friendly with Amy to extent we’d do things alone (mat leave, similar aged babies) and I had no idea how unhappy Beth was until Amy did something awful and the situation really blew up.

By this point Beth was on verge of a breakdown and when the history came spilling out I was both mortified and devastated that I’d welcomed Amy with open arms. Beth felt she couldn’t tell any of us as she wanted to “go high”. It damaged a number of relationships irreparably and well over a decade later continues to cause pain.

So my advice is different: You’ve got a lovely group of friends, be honest with them. You’re not asking them to ostracise her, but you are asking them to understand how miserable she made you.

Not sure you can really ”move on” from or brush over a comment like that. I’d expect my partner to have spoken to his friend about it, and also ask as a favour that he doesn’t move next door. If he insists on it then I’d expect him to make clear to his friend that he isn’t happy about it, that his wife has said some totally unacceptable disgusting things, and that it’s going to be making things very, very awkward.

Is there any chance you could lose your DH and strike up a torrid affair with hers? Tell her it’s karma

@slashlover
I think there’s a difference between,say, a sarcastic comment about a pair of new shoes and basically gloating about a miscarriage. If you think that’s just a bit of bitchiness, I find that pretty shocking. That’s totally unacceptable in terms of my social circle/life experience.

Ok so

I’ve already said I know I’m being unreasonable and they are at liberty to move where they like but it’s not like they don’t know where we live. I ever said they were moving just to spite me ffs 😂

I will be civil obviously - just needed to vent. This has been going on for a long time and agree that it’s not worth making myself look bitter or nasty.

Im not being judgy, but the fact that she judges mums who work and makes me feel bad is relevant

I don’t know where you got it that she said the karma thing to my husband from - she literally said “I’d be worrying it was karma from having an abortion” to my face and disguised it as a comment about how well I was coping. That is LOW

That karma comment sounds like it may have been crass and insensitive rather than a deliberate attack on you. Some people do feel that when bad things happen to them that they are being punished. Maybe she is like that.

she literally said “I’d be worrying it was karma from having an abortion” to my face and disguised it as a comment about how well I was coping. That is LOW

Ok, that is low. From your previous update it wasn't clear she linked the miscarriage to the abortion. If it was just insensitive that's an extraordinary level of insensitivity, which she may have. I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who said that to me though.

I'm hoping Miss Judgy Pants shows her true colours nice and early. However, the most likely thing to happen is that she comes in and charms everyone and takes over.

I don’t know where you got it that she said the karma thing to my husband from - she literally said “I’d be worrying it was karma from having an abortion” to my face and disguised it as a comment about how well I was coping. That is LOW

That's very different from your PP where you said

“I think you’re coping really well after the miscarriage, if it were me I’d be driving myself mad thinking it was karma etc etc”

Also, She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. IS judgy.

I agree with @PegasusReturns I have been in a similar situation @Logabog432 and ended up losing my group of friends. I tried to take the high road and didn’t say anything negative about this person but it turns out she had been bad mouthing me to everyone. Eventually they all turns against me as they heard so much bad stuff (all lies) about me whereas they didn’t know how badly this woman treated me as I never said. She was extremely good at manipulating people.

I would just at next coffee break say casually to friends as part of the chat ‘oh I’ve had a nightmare week, DH friends are moving to the village. The wife has been pretty awful to me several times and I find it very hard to get along with her’. Just to let them know. You don’t need to go into it more than that but if she makes herself busy integrating into your friendship group in your absence at least you’ll have put your view forward. Good luck.

[quote Cam77]@slashlover
I think there’s a difference between,say, a sarcastic comment about a pair of new shoes and basically gloating about a miscarriage. If you think that’s just a bit of bitchiness, I find that pretty shocking. That’s totally unacceptable in terms of my social circle/life experience.[/quote]
Where did OP say that she made a comment about shoes? Or are you just assuming OP is innocent and other woman is the devil?

OP, what she said was unforgivable and there's no excuse for that.

You say you have both been 'rather unpleasant' to each other. Can you tell us what part you played in this?

I think it's perfectly okay to say to your friends that someone is moving into the village who you would really rather didn't know about the difficulties you've had, so could they please not discuss your PND with anyone.

You don't have to slag her off, but just let your friends know that what you have shared with them is in confidence.

It would never ever cross my mind to link an abortion to karma. I don't even understand where that thought process would start.

If you are not getting support from your husband I would need to off load to a good friend. They will know you more fully and hopefully will be able to reassure you.

Your husband isn't coming out of this shining - he should have your back.

Yes, she sounds like a nuisance and I would be upset with her in your position but you also have a DH problem. Partners should have your back and to dismiss your feelings like that is really unsupportive. Does he prioritize his friendship with his mate over his relationship with you?

@Feelsunfair

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!? I think he finds it really hard as it limits the relationship we have with one of his good friends

Well now I don't like your husband very much.

As is often said on MN you don’t have a friend problem you have a DH problem. He tells other people your private business, and knows you don’t like this woman but doesn’t arrange meetings with the husband elsewhere. Sounds like he thinks there is fault on both sides and surely he knows the situation better than a lot of randoms on the internet?

I had something similar knew where I’d had an abortion when at uni and years and years later had a mmc and my sister said it was probably something to do with it , questioned my ability to have another and then said it was probably a good thing in case I had another child who was ‘a burden to society’ as my first has health problems
She then made it her mission to make friends with the same people, copy me but tell people I copied her basically a whole campaign to make me look ridiculous and take away all safe spaces that I had
It’s really soul destroying so I totally sympathise.

In all honesty in your situation if they move goes ahead and things are as bad as you anticipate I would be thinking about moving it’s what we did.

It may seem like why should you and you’ll lose all you live BUT the transition would be short lived and any upset can be overcome Amd even if it’s crap it’s better than living the rest of your life under the shadow of this woman and the potential she will be sabotaging your life friendships and reputation