Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please don’t move near us!

273 replies

Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 11:27

So my husband has a couple he is friends with. We’ve known them for a long time and he is good friends with the husband. The wife and I actively dislike each other and have for a number of years, it’s very complicated on both ends and we’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other, with her being particularly nasty when I had a miscarriage recently. (My husband told her husband years ago that I had an abortion when we were both at university and he told her. She had the audacity to suggest it was “karma”!!!!!!)

She’s also one of those “perfect” mums who has a family Instagram account, doesn’t work and is absolutely gorgeous but is very Judit if parents don’t do things the same way as her. She just generally makes me feel quite shitty and inadequate.

My husband and I live in a small village where we are very active in the community and it is a “everyone knows everyone” kind of place where you are always bumping into people you know at the pub, doctors, post office etc. We’ve lived here for 9 years and have a really lovely life, I’ve got a group of mum friends I meet regularly at the cafe close to us, go to baby group…

This couple I detest are literally moving two doors down. I am livid. I know they can move where they like so it’s unreasonable, but I feel like they are invading my community that I live being part of. Why would you want to live so close to someone you really don’t like? I can’t bear the thought of regularly seeing someone that makes me feel so shit, let alone them become part of my mum group (I’m on may leave and she’s about to have another baby) It’s like they are invading my safe space.

To be honest I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but I needed to vent

OP posts:
HarlanPepper · 02/01/2022 12:26

*reported it to your husband, that should read. Brain not working.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 02/01/2022 12:26

@Feelsunfair

My husband knows I don’t like her but he thinks I’m jealous/petty and should just let it go!?!?!? I think he finds it really hard as it limits the relationship we have with one of his good friends

Well now I don't like your husband very much.

Why does the fact you and his friend's wife don't like each other limit your relationship? Why can't they just see each other? Couples don't have to be joined at the hip - send him to see his friend and you can see your friends.
NowEvenBetter · 02/01/2022 12:26

‘Go to counselling’ with some nasty fucker to facilitate your husbands friendship. This place is like a fucking parallel universe.

Nathlash · 02/01/2022 12:26

@NotVictorianHonestly

This might be a bit out there, but how about trying to turn over a new leaf together? You could suggest to her that you know there's been a lot of water under the bridge but your husbands are good friends and you're going to be close neighbours, so how about you both sit down together and try to work out your differences enough to coexist comfortably. You could even go to a counsellor together to facilitate that discussion. I think ultimately that would make you both a lot happier and avoid her causing trouble for you.
Seriously? Go to a counsellor together?
BoredZelda · 02/01/2022 12:30

Wow. What are the chances of them moving two doors down?

I expect there will be some interesting things happen. Probably best just ignore her.

Laiste · 02/01/2022 12:30

I really feel worried she is going to take over/infiltrate the one thing I hold dear which is my private friendship group of mums. I’m quite a private person but they know about how I’ve been going through bad PND and I really don’t want that to get back to her.

Have you ever spoken to these friends about her? In other words do they know about you and her and your history already?

If not would you be prepared to talk to your closest friends about your worries?

Why, in particular, do you not want the woman to know you had PND? WOuld your DH have not already mentioned it to his friend already perhaps? And she already knows?

YANBU to be pissed off that she's moving so close by the way x

NotQuiteUsual · 02/01/2022 12:31

I'd be planting subtle seeds among your friends to be honest. Nothing nasty or bitchy about her. Just that you two don't get on and there's a long history of you two not getting along. That way if she tries to Wendy you or bad mouth you, they know and aren't put in the middle.

Original poster
Logabog432 · 02/01/2022 12:31

In regards to the conversation about “karma” it went something like

“I think you’re coping really well after the miscarriage, if it were me I’d be driving myself mad thinking it was karma etc etc”

So she basically said it in a very backhanded way

OP posts:
chocciechocface · 02/01/2022 12:31

@lobsteroll

That sounds like a nightmare situation and I really empathise.

I would definitely go high if she goes low. Definitely don't slag her off to your friends or say why you don't like her. That way if she starts getting nasty and talking about you, they will see right through her for who she is and they will make their own minds up about her.

I agree with this. If you're negative, it will make anything she says about you in your absence seem potentially credible.

NinaProudman2022 · 02/01/2022 12:33

Tread carefully OP I am guessing her current life is much less perfect than she portrays it on Instagram hence the move.
Don’t slag her off to neighbours, tell DH how you feel in no uncertain terms and hope the move doesn’t come off or your neighbours see right through her.
This reminds me of a book by Elizabeth Forbes ‘nearest thing to crazy’.
Take care OP.

PegasusReturns · 02/01/2022 12:33

A plan for what? Get her ostracized?

No, a plan for ensuring boundaries are respected.

No inviting the friend to you house without your express permission.

A cautious approach to inviting them into your circle.

Speaking to a trusted friend about your concerns.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2022 12:33

Your DH isn't getting it, is he Hmm Presumably you have explained to hi.m exactly how you feel. He is carrying tales between you. Why did he pass on the karma comment? No good was going to come of that surely? Hmm He is actively fanning the flames of your reasonable dislike of this woman, then pretending he doesn't know what the issue is. He is either spectacularly thick, or he's shit stirring. Only you know which one he is. If you fear you are going to be Wendied, surely people will see her for the judgemental madam she is. It might not happen immediately, but it will happen for those of your friends who are savvy. As she apparently said, karma.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 12:34

@Logabog432

In regards to the conversation about “karma” it went something like

“I think you’re coping really well after the miscarriage, if it were me I’d be driving myself mad thinking it was karma etc etc”

So she basically said it in a very backhanded way

What was the 'etc etc' though?

Is there a chance the karma comment could've been about something else?

adreamofspring · 02/01/2022 12:35

Any chance she’s jealous of you? And it comes out in the form of this spiteful shit (worst fucking comment to make to someone who’s had a miscarriage. I’m sorry you had to deal with this).
I know I wouldn’t move close to someone I dislike but she might actually covet your life and it comes out in nasty competitive shit ways.

Oh, and DH better decide which team he’s on asap. He sounds vertigo unsupportive. Should have at least called her out for the mean behaviour that was about the loss of HIS child.

adreamofspring · 02/01/2022 12:36

*very

pictish · 02/01/2022 12:36

Oh oh no…poor you. I’d feel exactly the same. Violated.

I do actually have some experience with this…a similar scenario. An adversary moved into the next street and caused shit with my new friendship group. I wanted to smash her face in. As it was, I maintained a dignified silence and accepted that those who chose to hedge their bets with her, were of little value to me in the long run anyway.
It was years ago now…have long moved on. I still remember how bullied and helpless I felt…and how angry it made me feel.
You have my sympathy.

godmum56 · 02/01/2022 12:38

@Chamomileteaplease

How far along the moving process are they? I am wondering if they can pull out?

Why hasn't your husband asked his friend not to move there? He needs to protect you from this woman Sad.

Sorry to say but I can imagine your mental health plummeting if this goes ahead. Does your husband not realise the impact this could have on your family's lives?

what? I mean what the actual F planet do you live on?
Freddiefox · 02/01/2022 12:38

Does she know you don’t like her?

Random789 · 02/01/2022 12:39

Certainly don't say anything unpleasent about her to your village friends, as some posters have suggested. That would set up an awful situation, which might end up with you losing friends.

Honestly, it seems that you should just try and re-set. Don't hang on to the past. Regard her as just another new person in the village. Don't make any special attempt to be open to her, but don't actively push her away.

Although I would feel uncomfortable at the couple moving so close (and I would certainly feel angry about the 'karma' comment), I do think that it is your depression, and an amount of social anxiety, that is causing you to react so strongly to her future presence. The account you give of this woman doesn't, on its own, seem to be grounds for such a high level of discomfort at her moving into the village.

Imagine what might happen if it was a stranger moving in to the village, and into your circle of mum friends. The stranger could be an annoyingly perfect Insta mum too, with a capacity for insensitive remarks. You would just have to roll with it, tolerate the stress it might sometimes cause, and work on finding your self-esteem and social confidence from within.

Camembear · 02/01/2022 12:39

your husband was a fool to tell anyone else about the termination. People are just too judgemental about these things to be open with it.

I would say try to make up with her but I can see how her comment on the miscarriage could be a no going back moment (unless there’s any chance she’s actually quite socially clumsy and didn’t mean it badly?? Some people put out a perfect Instagram image which doesn’t reflect reality)

Other than that I’d say that you’re thinking of the worst case scenario here. It probably won’t be as bad.

slashlover · 02/01/2022 12:39

I literally have no idea why they would want to move so close, apart from the fact that it is a very nice area

Maybe you didn't factor into their planning at all? They saw a house in a nice area which they liked and decided to buy it.

We’ve both been rather unpleasant to each other

I very much doubt she'll want to have anything to do with you anyway.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 12:39

How far along the moving process are they? I am wondering if they can pull out?

That makes no sense. Why would they suddenly pull out?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 02/01/2022 12:40

Am I the only one thinking all this angst is a bit of an over-reaction? We all have to work with or have friends of friends who aren't our favourite people. Just keep her as a neighbour, she's going to be a couple of doors down, not popping her head over the fence. Smile and wave. Say 'hi' if she attends any events or is in the local cafe. Don't give it so much headspace.

As for the person suggesting you ask them not to move- this is hilarious, you can't suggest people don't move to your village. If you live in a village, it's a free space, anyone can move into it and it's not up to you to try to control that. There's probably way worse people living in the village than her right now, you just don't know about it.

If she really is moving two doors down, then this post is highly identifiable and personally I'd take it down and get on with living your own life, not how you are going to police the boundaries of your little village and friends.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 12:43

You could even go to a counsellor together

ffs 😂

ESGdance · 02/01/2022 12:44

How far is she moving?

If she is moving into your village from somewhere nearby it’s likely she has an already established busy mum network that she is likely to keep up.

Your worry about your PND being revealed to her is disproportionate if your existing friends are good friends.

Just set really tight boundaries from the start, continue to nurture your best friends (you have a 9 year start on her so emotional equity and positive/strong bonds already in the bank).

Be more confident that your friends - if they hold the same values as you - won’t be swayed by the vapid shit of the insta mum.

Always dignified, distance and detached around her - and be very careful what you choose to say (preferably nothing) to your own friends because it will make them feel uncomfortable with you and you look bitter. They will be disappointed in you.

If you don’t socialise now - why would that change.

Take it day by day. Be confident.