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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
LostForIdeas · 02/01/2022 14:44

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over. The behaviour of his son though feels like the final straw.

What you are describing here is a controlling/abusive relationship though.
Which begs the question. If you look at what is going on in your relationship, what’s been happening in the last 18 years, how is your DO behaving?
Does he need to have his own way all the time
Is he using threats and guilt to get what he wants
Does he always ignore your wishes, even if they really straight forward ones (such as not leaving cigarette buds on the floor of YOUR house)
What is your DP bringing to your life? It’s not money. So what is it?

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 14:44

18 years together and if he criticize his son then he's off ?

I agree.

If he is 20 and OP has been with his dad for 18years she should be extremely close with him and not feel like she can’t ask him to wash his dishes.

I think there’s more to the story here.
I wonder how much contact they’ve had over the years and whether his dad had not been involved much which is why he seems resentful of OP.

CharityDingle · 02/01/2022 14:45

What do you want from the thread, OP? Genuine question.
You sound defeated about the whole situation. It's your home. The 20 year old definitely needs to go. And if that means his father goes, surely that will improve your life?

nellly · 02/01/2022 14:45

Not normal at all I grew up with 3 brothers and even during their worst most disgusting teenage stages they wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like this

AuntMargo · 02/01/2022 14:46

Definitely not acceptable behaviour. Get rid of the dirty little brat !

Suzanne999 · 02/01/2022 14:54

Pull him up every time. Firm voice but with a smile.
“I’d prefer you to use the toilet, not the outside drain, you are 20 after all”
“Those are your cigarette butts on the ground— they go in the black bin. There’s a dustpan and brush in the kitchen you can use”
If he doesn’t like it, tough, he can move on.

5128gap · 02/01/2022 15:01

@2TurtleDovesInARow

Age and relationship is irrelevant. I can't think of anyone I would accept this behaviour from.
This. Don't make the mistake of applying a different set of rules and expectations for young adults. They are people like everyone else. Some are great, others, like yours, are not. If their behaviour falls short of acceptable, you tell them. If they don't change, they leave.
maddy68 · 02/01/2022 15:05

Frank discussion time
Have a family meeting
Explain this is your house as in which he is very welcome but certain house rules must be adhered too.
Give him responsibility of certain things ...bin emptying
Cleaning the bathroom. Etc along with designated tasks for oh and yourself

Tell him cigarette buts in the floor is an absolute no under any circumstances

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/01/2022 15:09

They've just got in and the son said I'm making a sandwich, do you want one dad. Didn't offer to me. If I did the same in reverse, there'd be hell to pay.

So did your partner just take the sandwich his son offered and they sat and ate the sandwiches and you had nothing? Your partner didn't say anything to his son?

I would bet my last £1 that your partner is slaggin you off to his son behind your back.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 15:11

@maddy68

Frank discussion time Have a family meeting Explain this is your house as in which he is very welcome but certain house rules must be adhered too. Give him responsibility of certain things ...bin emptying Cleaning the bathroom. Etc along with designated tasks for oh and yourself

Tell him cigarette buts in the floor is an absolute no under any circumstances

Terrible advice!

The OP is being virtually abused in her own home. That's carte blanche for them to gang up against her and be even more unpleasant. And how much notice would they take? None

It might be her house but she's clearly intimidated by them

tara66 · 02/01/2022 15:11

I can't help wondering where your DP's mail goes? What address does he use for all his money etc? Every so many years banks etc. have do identity checks - demanding recent utility bills etc - what does he use if in B+B/ hotel /yours - especially as he must be about 45+?! Even if it's all off shore address is still needed.
Perhaps he stays with you because he knows you seem to tolerate son's behaviour/mess!
I could not live with 2 smokers, who smokes these days anyway (this shows a certain type of mentality - if I may say so!)?

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 15:12

@Imabouttoexplode

Are you scared of them? What's the reason you don't want the 'relationship' to end?

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 15:13

But, realisticly, please tell me what would have happened if you had said nicely
’Oh yes please, I’d like a sandwich!’
What would their reactions and replies likely be then?

I’m trying to understand your situation, because you sound so very sad and beyond fed up op.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 15:17

I can’t even imagine how the stepson will treat his future partner. I have daughter and son around the same age and I would tell them to run a mile. (just like I would like to tell you too op)

TyrannosaurusBex · 02/01/2022 15:17

I hate to ask this, OP, but were you the OW when your partner split with DSS's mother?

diddl · 02/01/2022 15:20

I'd take great pleasure in telling them both to fuck off out of my house tbh.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 15:22

I wonder what your partner would say if you decided to piss out of the window tonight..

longwayoff · 02/01/2022 15:24

I'm sorry to hear this OP, nobody should feel like this in their own home. I've often seen on here advice to contact Womens Aid or other services that will help you rebuild your self esteem in order to make a decision. Someone will post some details shortly and please take the advice you're offered. You aren't living the life you want and deserve.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/01/2022 15:28

I don’t quite get why you posted, OP. You are clearly not about to take ant action. Did you just want people to agree with you and then keep on seething but feel validated doing so?

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:47

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

I don’t quite get why you posted, OP. You are clearly not about to take ant action. Did you just want people to agree with you and then keep on seething but feel validated doing so?
Not particularly.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:48

@TyrannosaurusBex

I hate to ask this, OP, but were you the OW when your partner split with DSS's mother?
No, why?
OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 02/01/2022 15:49

Older teens do tend to stay in their room most of the time and are usually quite messy. That’s normal, but pissing out of their bedroom window is disgusting and most certainly not normal! I would have to confront him about that myself. I would not tolerate the rudeness or him never clearing up after himself either. He is totally taking advantage of you and so is his dad if he won’t pull him up on his behaviour.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:50

@Doggosaurus

But, realisticly, please tell me what would have happened if you had said nicely ’Oh yes please, I’d like a sandwich!’ What would their reactions and replies likely be then?

I’m trying to understand your situation, because you sound so very sad and beyond fed up op.

My oh did say, would u like a sandwich.

I am sad and fed up. Way beyond sad and fed up. Starting to feel in a very unsafe and dark place.

OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:51

[quote Nanny0gg]@Imabouttoexplode

Are you scared of them? What's the reason you don't want the 'relationship' to end?[/quote]
No, not even a bit physically scared but I am a bit scared mentally of them.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 15:52

@PinkSyCo

Older teens do tend to stay in their room most of the time and are usually quite messy. That’s normal, but pissing out of their bedroom window is disgusting and most certainly not normal! I would have to confront him about that myself. I would not tolerate the rudeness or him never clearing up after himself either. He is totally taking advantage of you and so is his dad if he won’t pull him up on his behaviour.
He's not an older teen. He's a grown man starting a new job in 3 weeks and being ridiculously disrespectful and mysogynistic in the meantime.

OP speak up now or he's going to end up with some poor girl who feels like you do now for the next 18 years. You're a grown woman but he's going to be worse than his father - can you imagine how he's going to treat a young woman?

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