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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:35

@katkitty

No 20 year old is the same and it really varies between them. Some people still act like teenagers into their 20's but something isn't right here. He'll have to be going through something big to be acting like that. I don't condone his behaviour obviously but there will be a reason for it he/his dad will need to explore. Maybe therapy. Wether you take him on is up to you but it sounds like you're not up for it which is fair enough but in which case you need to end with it with his dad and appreciate what the son must be going through and make sure you dont lead him to feel like a burden if you care one jot
His father is understandably cautious of ensuring his son doesn't feel like a burden. I welcomed him, as always, with open arms. Own room, respectful towards him, chatting etc but his mask soon slipped and now it's just awful. I will ultimately get the blame though for creating an atmosphere and making the son feel unwelcome.
OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 16:39

sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor.

I'd turf them both out. The son because I wouldn't want to live like that and his father for not intervening.

In my sixties now, I don't have any patience for people who are not pleasant to be around.

Why should you put up with this?

The father is wealthy and just temporarily living with you? MN phrase 'this isn't working for me' seems about right.

Good luck

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 16:42

If I say my house, it won't end well even though it is my house.

Honestly, though, what really is the worst that could possibly happen. How could it be worse ?

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 16:52

a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over.

Oh lovely, this is no way to live.

Dig down deep and just say, ok, this isn't working for me. I'll expect you to move out by xx. And follow through.

If I said anything to either stand up for myself or told them to go, they'd pack a bag tonight and go.

Then, that is the thing to do for yourselves. Right away. Gone tonight, and you get your space and your life back.

What are you waiting for @Imabouttoexplode ?

HollowTalk · 02/01/2022 16:55

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over. The behaviour of his son though feels like the final straw.

This is horrendous. You are suffering tirades of abuse on top of this step son? Honestly, OP, in the morning tell them they need to leave. Luckily he has the money to make that happen and you say they will go without a problem. Tell them first thing. If you feel unsafe, go out early and send a text, then don't go back until you know they've gone. Arrange for a locksmith to meet you at the house.

Do you think your step son would ruin anything of yours?

daisychain01 · 02/01/2022 16:55

I've been with him for 18 years. Its not a new relationship.

Check out "Sunk Cost Fallacy" if you're not already familiar with it, OP. You been with him a long time. Are you reluctant to rock any boats because of the years you've already invested.

Your DP sounds like he's in Disney Dad mode, not wanting to upset his son by reading him the riot act. You shouldn't have to deal with all this, and by letting them stay at your house, it is giving them licence to take you for granted.

daisychain01 · 02/01/2022 16:58

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave

Ideal! Next time he gives you a threat, rush round with bin bags collecting up his gear and telling him you're taking up his offer, you're through!

TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 16:59

His father is understandably cautious of ensuring his son doesn't feel like a burden

Of course he isn’t

That is nonsense and you know it.
He does everything he can to make you feel like shit because of the atrocious behaviour of his spoilt, antisocial brat of a son.

It’s outrageous for a grown man of 20 to behave like he does and there is zero excuse for it. He won’t ever improve, because he is an indulged pice of shit who thinks women are inferior to him.

I do pan t know how you can bear to be in 5he same house as either of them.

mumofEandE · 02/01/2022 16:59

Why has he had to move in with you if he is 'just between jobs' and the dad is wealthy - it doesn't make sense
Where was he before? If there was (for example) a month where he couldn't pay rent then surely the dad would have paid if he thinks the son is so fabulous??

viques · 02/01/2022 17:01

It’s a strange thing OP, but often when we talk about people having no respect for us what it actually comes down to is having no respect for ourselves. You say that if you told them to they would leave without argument, but you don’t respect yourself enough to reclaim your home, your safe place, the place where above all other places you should feel comfortable. If your relationship has any meaning and future it will survive you standing up for yourself. If it doesn’t then you are fortunate enough to have a home and income sufficient to survive, those are advantages, and starting places for a new beginning, that other women in your situation often don’t have. You have let yourself fall into the trap of not believing in your value and worth as an independent woman. You are so much more than you are allowing yourself to be.

Muchmorethan · 02/01/2022 17:02

So basically OP you're going to do nothing about the situation??

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 17:03

His father is understandably cautious of ensuring his son doesn't feel like a burden

But he’s not cautious of his or his actually being a burden to you.

Because he cares more about his son’s good opinion than yours.

RantyAunty · 02/01/2022 17:05

Your situation isn't good at all. I think you know that.

What is it about him that stops you from ending it?

Rightshoardingsaurus · 02/01/2022 17:09

Is your partner's cock made of solid platinum? Otherwise, I fail to understand why you are so desperate to cling to him that you turned yourself into such a doormat! I often see women stuck due to having nowhere to go and who suffer from extreme financial hardship but they still try to get away. But you have no such obstacles. Please grow a spine and woman up!

Av0bo55 · 02/01/2022 17:13

Wow not good! Hope your oh has your side here! And you have sorted out a better arrangement

AnyName1 · 02/01/2022 17:15

You don't sound well OP. Do you have friends or family to talk to?

Russelhobskettle · 02/01/2022 17:20

Op - don't waste the rest of your life on this nasty pair. Your partner is no better than his son really is he? If you could just let them go... imaging the feeling when you are able to relax in your own home without fear.

Jaguar77 · 02/01/2022 17:21

This time next year do you want to be living in a house with two people who have utter contempt for you ?

gingerbiscuits · 02/01/2022 17:23

Oh sweetheart, get rid of them BOTH as soon as humanly possible & start putting yourself first. Seriously. Start this year free of such a demeaning, damaging relationship. X

Original poster
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 17:23

@AnyName1

You don't sound well OP. Do you have friends or family to talk to?
I'm going to get a counsellor. I don't feel in a great way.

Thank you for all your comments and concerns. I really do appreciate it. A kind, understanding and supportive comment from a stranger makes the world of difference and for that, I'm truly grateful. The situation is much worse than I'm describing here and I'm not going to go in to it any further but thank you again.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 02/01/2022 17:25

You’ve been in this relationship a very long time so must have known his son since he was about 2?

Have you never got on?

Is there a backstory on how you met his father and how do you get on with his mum? Is he disrespectful to her too?

Could you not take him out for lunch on his own for a chat and try to make some basic ground rules? I’m just a bit puzzled as to why it’s got to the stage where he totally ignores you yet you have him staying in your house?

I have children this age. They can ge lazy and messy. Annoying but normal. And the peeing in the garden is disgusting but it’s the totally ignoring you which would bother me. He sounds like he dislikes you.

It must be clear to his father you both have no time for each other. He’s an adult now. If your feelings mean so little that your partner would just move out rather than try to make it better then why are you with him?

Inertia · 02/01/2022 17:33

This isn't standard behaviour for young men, and you shouldn't be accepting it.

Typical behaviour among my children's friends (male and female) in their late teens is to thank us whenever they've visited our house, to offer to help with any cleaning up resulting from their visit, and to engage in civilised conversation with us.

Sounds like your partner and his son think that women are there to serve and clean up after them.

The son needs to obey the ground rules or get out.

Partner needs to have your back.

AnyName1 · 02/01/2022 17:39

Best of luck xx

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 17:40

Look OP, if what I suspect is going on is actually going on - you know you can contact Women’s Aid for support, and even start a thread for help with your relationship here.

You need to leave this man. The fact that you are financially independent is a massive plus. But there is more than finances to contend with in getting out of an abusive relationship.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 17:41

You need a counsellor who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships - WA will have a list of such therapists in your area.