Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:53

@PinkSyCo

Older teens do tend to stay in their room most of the time and are usually quite messy. That’s normal, but pissing out of their bedroom window is disgusting and most certainly not normal! I would have to confront him about that myself. I would not tolerate the rudeness or him never clearing up after himself either. He is totally taking advantage of you and so is his dad if he won’t pull him up on his behaviour.
He didn't pee out of the window. I heard him go downstairs, open the back door to presumably have a cigarette and then heard him peeing in to the drain. He presumably couldn't be bothered coming in to go to the loo.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:55

@tara66

I can't help wondering where your DP's mail goes? What address does he use for all his money etc? Every so many years banks etc. have do identity checks - demanding recent utility bills etc - what does he use if in B+B/ hotel /yours - especially as he must be about 45+?! Even if it's all off shore address is still needed. Perhaps he stays with you because he knows you seem to tolerate son's behaviour/mess! I could not live with 2 smokers, who smokes these days anyway (this shows a certain type of mentality - if I may say so!)?
My address and yes, I agree about the smoking. It's obscene. The money wasted is obscene but I'm beyond caring these days.
OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/01/2022 15:56

Your PH is f'ing & blinding as he is walking all over you & knows you will fold.
Time to pull your big girl's pants up, & say, "you are both living in my house, at my expense.I expect people to be civil, & respect my property, this includes a minimum of hello & goodbye, not smoking indoors , not throwing cig buts over my property, & certainly not pissing in the drain in-front of the kitchen window, its not a fucking urinal.
So my house, my rules, or there's the door, & close it as you leave.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 15:57

@MrsKeats

*tirade of abuse* Right so get a friend or family member over if you are scared and kick them both out-how is this a fulfilling way to live? If you are wealthy as you say you have a million options and ways to remake your life.
I'm not scared. If I said anything to either stand up for myself or told them to go, they'd pack a bag tonight and go. I wouldn't need anyone there to provide help. I am in no physical danger at all.
OP posts:
dropthevipers · 02/01/2022 15:58

Given what you have said about these charmers, I doubt being given their marching orders will be well received. Do you have any male family/friends who are preferably ex-forces (ideally ex-SAS) to call on? I can see this pair not going quietly.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:01

@WonderfulYou

18 years together and if he criticize his son then he's off ?

I agree.

If he is 20 and OP has been with his dad for 18years she should be extremely close with him and not feel like she can’t ask him to wash his dishes.

I think there’s more to the story here.
I wonder how much contact they’ve had over the years and whether his dad had not been involved much which is why he seems resentful of OP.

Yep, some enormous earthquakes over the years, some years of no contact, lots of disruption and the result is a father who over compensates.
OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 02/01/2022 16:01

Honestly, your relationship is not a healthy relationship if you cannot say how you are feeling without fear of verbal abuse or them leaving.
The relationship you have is one of fear of it ending.
I wonder what wonderful things your partner does that makes this fear and lack of respect for you worth all the upset you are experiencing?

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:02

@dropthevipers

Given what you have said about these charmers, I doubt being given their marching orders will be well received. Do you have any male family/friends who are preferably ex-forces (ideally ex-SAS) to call on? I can see this pair not going quietly.
Not at all accurate. They'd go without any fuss.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:04

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

They've just got in and the son said I'm making a sandwich, do you want one dad. Didn't offer to me. If I did the same in reverse, there'd be hell to pay.

So did your partner just take the sandwich his son offered and they sat and ate the sandwiches and you had nothing? Your partner didn't say anything to his son?

I would bet my last £1 that your partner is slaggin you off to his son behind your back.

No, he didn't take the sandwich. He said, would u like one. I said no thanks. He's cooking a roast later, so is saving himself for that.
OP posts:
tara66 · 02/01/2022 16:04

You don't need to be ''mentally scared'' of them because you must know you have done nothing wrong, are being badly treated and taken advantaged of - all logically unacceptable. (Have you ever asked both why the young man is so rude to you and father thinks its OK?) You need to imagine how this situation might end, the various 'end game' scenarios - them staying or them leaving basically and decide what you want to do.

dropthevipers · 02/01/2022 16:07

Fair enough-admittedly speculation on my part given how entitled and tone deaf they appear to be. So if they really would go when asked without demur, What is stopping you? You surely cannot tolerate this situation?

Mix56 · 02/01/2022 16:07

So if daddy has all this money, he can rent a flat for the slob. Just tell him to sort his kid out, he is nit your probkem

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2022 16:08

Why don't you tell them to go if they would leave without any fuss. Wouldn't you be much happier with them gone, you sound miserable that they are there.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2022 16:10

I wouldn't allow any smoking in the house. Being untidy is common. But it's your house. Ask them to leave.

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 16:11

@Bananalanacake

Why don't you tell them to go if they would leave without any fuss. Wouldn't you be much happier with them gone, you sound miserable that they are there.
I'm guessing because ending an 18 year relationship is a pretty huge deal/decision
TyrannosaurusBex · 02/01/2022 16:12

TyrannosaurusBex
I hate to ask this, OP, but were you the OW when your partner split with DSS's mother?

No, why?

I wondered if DSS might be acting on a grudge he'd been carrying for a long time. Evidently not, though.

RachAnneKirl90 · 02/01/2022 16:13

Not standard AT ALL.
Your useless boyfriend should NOT have put you in this terrible position by moving his useless filthy lump of an adult son into your house.
Come on - can't you do any better than this? Put them both out!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 16:15

If they're making you miserable in your own home (I would be too with them there) and you're confident they'd go without a fuss then isn't telling them you've had enough and don't want them living there anymore the ideal solution?!

katkitty · 02/01/2022 16:16

No 20 year old is the same and it really varies between them. Some people still act like teenagers into their 20's but something isn't right here. He'll have to be going through something big to be acting like that. I don't condone his behaviour obviously but there will be a reason for it he/his dad will need to explore. Maybe therapy. Wether you take him on is up to you but it sounds like you're not up for it which is fair enough but in which case you need to end with it with his dad and appreciate what the son must be going through and make sure you dont lead him to feel like a burden if you care one jot

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 16:22

Ever thought of having counselling @Imabouttoexplode?

I think you need help to unpick what is going on here. Most people, even after 18 years, wouldn't put up with this

DayzeeDaresYou · 02/01/2022 16:26

If it’s company you’d miss, honestly get a cat or a dog.

You’ve got your own money and can’t enjoy your own home because of a rude, lazy young man and his father who defends him.

They had a cleaner when they lived without you and now you’re the unpaid cleaner?

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 16:29

I'm not scared. If I said anything to either stand up for myself or told them to go, they'd pack a bag tonight and go. I wouldn't need anyone there to provide help. I am in no physical danger at all.

Honestly, if I thought me having an opinion would make my partner pack his bags and leave after 18 years then I’d want him gone.

You’ve not come on here saying you hate your stepson or that you don’t want your partner to have a relationship with him or anything.
You’ve literally just said you want him to clean up after himself and acknowledge you.

Asking for a bit of respect from anyone whether they’re your step child, biological child or a complete stranger is not a big ask and its definitely not something that should break a relationship up.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:29

@DayzeeDaresYou

If it’s company you’d miss, honestly get a cat or a dog.

You’ve got your own money and can’t enjoy your own home because of a rude, lazy young man and his father who defends him.

They had a cleaner when they lived without you and now you’re the unpaid cleaner?

I have lots of animals.

No, I've totally stopped doing anything. I walk past overflowing bins, clothes on the floor, dirty cups left, washing etc. I've done nothing for a couple of weeks now.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 02/01/2022 16:30

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave
Why would you NOT want to end this?
Get rid of these bullies and start enjoying your own home, you do not need to live like this.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 16:31

@Nanny0gg

Ever thought of having counselling *@Imabouttoexplode*?

I think you need help to unpick what is going on here. Most people, even after 18 years, wouldn't put up with this

I'm going to look for a counsellor this week and start seeing someone. I'm in a right mess.
OP posts: