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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Luckyducky75 · 02/01/2022 10:08

I'd tell your partners son he has to leave and if the partner doesn't like it he could go too!

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 10:10

@Imabouttoexplode

Partner isn't like this at all. Clean, tidy, pulls his weight (domestically......we have other issues).
Then tell both of them to go.

Why are you putting up with this?

Greenfields124 · 02/01/2022 10:12

It's not normal no, your partner is complicent in his sons behaviour by not doing anything.
Time for them both to leave.
No one should live like that, they are disrespectful and disgusting.

AD3000 · 02/01/2022 10:14

In my experience the staying in rooms and not being sociable is normal the rest is definitely not.
Time for them to leave.

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 10:15

Have some self respect and tell them you want them both out today.

You are being used as a complete MUG.

Unbelievable.

Harlequin1088 · 02/01/2022 10:18

Nope, this is disgusting behaviour. He’s 20, not 2 so he’s more than capable of understanding how to behave properly in someone else’s home. The pissing in the garden would be the final straw for me too so I’d be inclined to pack all his stuff into a bin liner and fling it on the front lawn. If your partner has a problem with this then his stuff can join his son’s in the bin liner, frankly….

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/01/2022 10:20

Sorry but its your house and your partner needs to find leave and find a home for them both. I would not tolerate this.
What happened to men who provided for their families? They all seem to be living off women now and expecting them to put up with all kinds of crap. I have no respect for men like that.
Mt DS was pretty awful when he was 20 but it was MY house and MY DS.
Time to stop being a doormat and ask them both to leave. You are not the scullery maid and you don't have to put up with this.

AlternativePerspective · 02/01/2022 10:23

No.

TBH I think you only have to look at the average student house to know that tidiness at this age generally isn’t something late teens or early 20’s aspire to. But Even with that, most have certain standards even they stick to, and not pissing in the garden is one of them.

I wouldn’t have allowed smoking in the house in the first place TBH, but either way, I’d be telling him that it’s time to move out and get a job in a bar if he has to. And if the partner was angry he could go as well.

In terms of who has voted YABU, I suspect that MN have an algorithm which means that a thread is unable to have a 100% yanbu vote, as I’ve never seen one. You could post “AIBU to think murder is a hideous crime,” and there would be at least a 1% YABU vote.”

Either that or some just post it to be contrary.

Sundancerintherain · 02/01/2022 10:23

No, not normal .
I'd wave them both goodbye.

user1471538283 · 02/01/2022 10:25

This isnt normal! I would make them both leave!

Ragruggers · 02/01/2022 10:28

This morning when they are together tell them both this is not working for you .State calmly what you have written here.Stop this behaviour now,your partner can then decide to either leave with his son or find the useless son a place to stay.Do not put up with this any longer.Father probably has guilt about his son’s life but afraid to tell him .Good luck but do it today.

Brigante9 · 02/01/2022 10:31

Does your DP have his own place? I suggest you tell him it’s not working having his son staying-how has that happened when it’s YOUR house?! He needs to provide somewhere different or the son can go to his mum’s.

TenThousandSpoons · 02/01/2022 10:31

Are you sure he peed in the drain? Just wondering if he might have been pouring a drink away or something instead as that’s outrageous! That and the fag butts on the floor would mean he’d be out and I’d be telling him exactly why. If partner disagrees he can go too

BlowDryRat · 02/01/2022 10:33

That's disgusting behaviour from them both. Get rid.

ChargingBuck · 02/01/2022 10:39

His father will side with him if I say anything.

Fucksake.
Has his father forgotten that he, too, is a guest in YOUR home?

It's embarrassing that he hasn't tackled his son about his behaviour already, off his own bat. Shows how much he respects your home & by extension, you. I would be seriously disappointed by the lack of respect from the partner, & would be telling him so. It's also high time you lost your shit at the stepson.

I'd sit them down together, remind them it's my house, & inform them that unless they start treating my home with some respect that they can fuck off & fend for themselves.

But then - I'd also willingly 'lose' any man who demonstrated such comtempt for me & willingly backed his slob son's nasty treatment of my home/me. Are you prepared for that OP?
If not, & you think a disrespectful man & his cocklodger son are better than having no man, I imagine you'll be sucking it up long term - because this pair clearly believe they are the boss of you.

HunterGatherer · 02/01/2022 10:40

I live with 21 Yr old and 19yr old men.
They wouldn't dream of acting like this.
TBH it's no wonder this layabout is between jobs, he doesn't exactly sound employable.
I'd be saying "This isn't working for me" and telling him he has to find somewhere else (preferably with his Dad).
Has he considered the Army as a career, they are brilliant for teaching recruits how to look after themselves.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 10:41

@billy1966

Have some self respect and tell them you want them both out today.

You are being used as a complete MUG.

Unbelievable.

This 100x over. Why are you allowing this to carry on in your own home? Do you have no backbone at all? Tell both of these losers to get out immediately. Where they go isn't your concern.
badspella · 02/01/2022 10:47

No, it isn't standard behaviour. However, is it possible to talk to your partner's son? Staying in his room, lack of self respect and respect for others, could be part of a general low mood. It does not excuse the behaviour, but it puts it in context. That said, dropping cigarette ends in the house, peeing down the grate are definitely behaviours that should not be tolerated.

Georgeskitchen · 02/01/2022 10:47

He's 20 not 14. Give him his marching orders......and possibly his father as well!!

Marmelace · 02/01/2022 10:48

I wouldn't allow my 3 sons to act like this nevermind someone elses. Your grid will stink. Your partner and his son are riding roughshod over you and abusing your generosity. These are not nice people and you are worth so much more.

DrManhattan · 02/01/2022 10:52

Kick them both out

Sally872 · 02/01/2022 10:59

Nope. Son has to leave. If partner can't agree to this and wants to support son he has to find somewhere else to go with him.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 11:04

@SpacePotato

You're being used. Tell them both to go.
I've been with him for 18 years. Its not a new relationship.
OP posts:
asco · 02/01/2022 11:05

If you allow it, it will happen. YOUR enabling it. He would never ever have been allowed to smoke in my house in the first place and if I had heard him pissing out a window?????? I would have gone straight up there and announced
"You dirty bastard, get your stuff and get the fuck out of my house"

Travis1 · 02/01/2022 11:07

Time for them both to go. This temporary arrangement no longer works for you so tell him offyefuck