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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
CheshireKitten123 · 02/01/2022 17:44

OP,
What was agreed when your partner came to live with you? You say the relationship has been for 18 years. How long has he been living with you? How much does he contribute financially etc?
What was discussed when he said he wanted his son to live in your house? How long was the arrangement to last or was it an open ended arrangement?

This jumps out at me;

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave.

So you are saying that your partner of 18 years isn't open to hearing your concerns and responds with abuse?

OP you are being abused in your own home and need to put a stop to this.
Please contact www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

tomorrowalready · 02/01/2022 17:44

Having read the whole thread, I'mabouto explode, I just want to express some sympathy for the evident feelings of stress and helplessness you are experiencing. It is very sad you are living with 2 men who do not respect you and so do not value you. You know you are worth more so you are confused. The father is doing his son no favours by indulging him, who knows if he might one day learn not to treat others so badly? But I think you are now dealing mentally with the realisation this can't go on and if your partner will leave because you enforce minimal rules of decent behaviour in your own house, what does that tell you about him and the past 18 years. You are changing your mindset and that hurts.

hence the feeling of sadness you are communicating. It is a good thing if you can talk it all out with a counsellor because you need to be heard before you can change your situation. So I hope you work it out in your own terms and know your life has value even if the relationship ends.

CambsAlways · 02/01/2022 17:45

I certainly would not tolerate this disgusting behaviour stepson would be outed and so would his father for not showing you respect to you too,. He’s not even taking your feelings into account! I’m actually surprised you have to ask if this is ok, you are worth much more

flowersforbrains · 02/01/2022 17:48

I can guarantee you will feel much better once they have gone. Do that first then decide if you need a counsellor.

You have been with the bloke for 18 years and he is temporarily living with you? What's that about? Is this just a relationship of convenience on his terms?

DayzeeDaresYou · 02/01/2022 17:53

Make them pay for a cleaner. It’s not fair for you or your animals to be forced to live in such chaos.

I hope things improve for you.

QueeniesCroft · 02/01/2022 18:16

You are being bullied. Nobody should have to modify their perfectly reasonable behaviour to avoid a tirade of abuse.

Do you have a friend or relative who can come to stay for a while after you have asked them to leave? Unfortunately, I don't think there is going to be a workable alternative to them leaving, and I'm concerned about your mental health.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It isn't normal and it isn't right.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 18:43

I read a lot of threads about these unhappy relationships and a lot of women are financially dependent on their partner and although it still frustrates me I understand why it’s not so easy to leave.

You sound like a very intelligent women.
You have your own money.
He lives in your house.
And it doesn’t sound like you have young DCs.

You are in an excellent position to start putting your foot down and demanding more respect.

If he does leave how is that going to impact your life in a negative way?

Original poster
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 18:52

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.

OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 02/01/2022 18:57

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
And what exactly is there to love about him as he doesn't seem to respect you or put you first.
Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2022 18:58

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
But he doesn't appear to love you. He can't even treat you with the most basic level of respect that most people would afford a complete stranger.
Coop80 · 02/01/2022 18:58

No OP he loses you due to the lack of respect towards you

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 19:02

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
You've already lost him. He's made it clear his son comes first in everything. I am really sorry and I'm sure it's devastating. But that's what this is.
Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 19:04

No, I've totally stopped doing anything. I walk past overflowing bins, clothes on the floor, dirty cups left, washing etc. I've done nothing for a couple of weeks now.

That must be so difficult, and depressing. I really feel for you.

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 02/01/2022 19:10

OP I just want to get in the car, drive to your house and throw the pair of them out for you.

You may have been together for 18 years, but have they truly been a happy eighteen years? Is he really a “D”P or just a P? If he were to end the relationship if you stood up to his son, would it be him you miss or would you just miss having a partner?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 19:12

OP I just want to get in the car, drive to your house and throw the pair of them out for you.

Me too. We need a Mumsnet-mobile to get rid of these arseholes for poor OP.

Lilymossflower · 02/01/2022 19:18

Of course its not standard for a 20 year old adult to be behaving like an animal 🙃

queenMab99 · 02/01/2022 19:19

Young men of this age can be very thoughtless, and depending on upbringing would not think to clear up outside I would tell him you heard him peeing in the grid, hand him a bucket and a yard brush and ask him to swill off the area of ash and swill the grid and general location with bleach. How does his father explain his attitude to you? Does he really think that ignoring your existence is acceptable while living in your house. If the son was living with you as a lodger independent of his father, you would speak to him directly, and ask why he is taking this attitude to you, but I can see that the situation you are in is more complicated. My own son of 20 was not quite so rude to my partner when he visited for weekends, but was reluctant to eat or socialise with us, I talked to him about it, and he admitted it wasn't sharing a table or room with us that upset him, but the thought of me sharing a bed with a man, who was not his father. If he has not been around you and his father much in the eighteen years of your relationship, it may be something basic like that. Eventually my son got on well with my partner, and actually shared a small business with him for a number of years.

tomorrowalready · 02/01/2022 19:19

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP I just want to get in the car, drive to your house and throw the pair of them out for you.

Me too. We need a Mumsnet-mobile to get rid of these arseholes for poor OP.

Yes but isn't the point that I'm aboutto explode, made that the partner and son would be gone in a moment if she told him she will not accept his son's behaviour and thatnis what is making her so sad? She is trying to come to terms with the thought that her 18 year relationship may be over due to a father unwilling to civilise his 20 year old son. He should have done that anyway but to value the OP so little he will not assert himself even a minimal amount speaks volumes. It seems that is what is so bad here not cigarette butts or hiring a cleaner but the disregard of the OP as a person and in her own house.
longwayoff · 02/01/2022 19:26

Get some counselling OP. Act on the advice you receive from WA. I promise, and many on here will assure you, that in a couple of years, free of this you will look back and marvel that you felt unable to act. As so many of us have done, you will wonder how and why you felt paralysed and overwhelmed for so long. Free yourself. It will be a better life for you.

PinkSyCo · 02/01/2022 19:49

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.

Which will be hard for you, but surely better than continuing to live with a man who doesn’t love you back and his rude and disrespectful son.

gingerbiscuits · 02/01/2022 20:07

@Imabouttoexplode Please reach out to someone 'in real life' & let them know what you're going through. It sounds as though you really could do with some emotional support to deal with all of this. X

Skeumorph · 02/01/2022 20:12

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
A prick who treats you like you are nothing and would throw you off a bridge so as not to cause his rude arse of a son the smallest moment of discomfort.

Great future, yeah.

viques · 02/01/2022 20:22

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
Not necessarily, maybe he needs reminding of the strong clever intelligent independent woman he fell in love with. She seems to have got a bit lost.
flowersforbrains · 02/01/2022 20:23

@Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.
With someone who can't put your needs first? Who throws a fit and threatens to leave whenever you try to raise the issue.

I'm afraid you need to raise the bar.

After 18 years where exactly do you see this relationship going? It seems very slow going and hard work.

skybluee · 02/01/2022 21:02

They just sound horrible, like they know they're upsetting you and don't care.

There is no reason to wee in the garden when there's a toilet. It's just not on and is gross. As for the cigarettes, the ash should neatly go in an ashtray and not make a mess and the butts be disposed of too.

I don't really know what to say as you seem to indicate it's pointless to talk to them and will cause more strife. Personally I'd probably have one last go for the sake of the relationship, talk to your partner not the son and emphasise the good points and then say how much the other stuff is upsetting you and you don't want to feel like that. See what he says. You will have an answer either way.