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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Geordiekev · 02/01/2022 14:24

Time to give both of them the boot. They both have no respect for you or your property.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 14:24

Wait so his dad has a separate house already?! Off. They. Fuck.

This is utter lunacy OP. You're being ignored / bullied / treated with contempt in YOUR home by people who don't even bloody live there!

TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 14:24

, I don't feel particularly proud of myself at the moment for tolerating this shit

That’s because he has conditioned you to accept abuse.

It isn’t your fault.
You are the victim here.

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2022 14:26

Is he moving out in 3 weeks once he starts new job?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2022 14:26

Can I ask this again as I feel it is important @Imabouttoexplode -

Where does your partner normally live, and why isn't he living there now? Why can't he and his son go to his permanent residence and leave you in peace in your home?

Devilmakes3 · 02/01/2022 14:28

Your partner is allowing his don to treat you like absolute crap in your own home. In other words your partner is treating you like crap by not putting an end to his son treating you like crap. The real question is why are you letting them treat you so badly. People can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Up your standards for yourself.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:28

@TrashyPanda

, I don't feel particularly proud of myself at the moment for tolerating this shit

That’s because he has conditioned you to accept abuse.

It isn’t your fault.
You are the victim here.

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over. The behaviour of his son though feels like the final straw.
OP posts:
Coop80 · 02/01/2022 14:29

Also what is your stepsons relationship like with his mothe, is his attitude just towards you or any type of matriarch

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 14:30

I find it very hard to believe that a partner who tolerates his son treating you and your home like shit, who would bin you for asking his son to find lodging elsewhere, treats you really well the rest of the time.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:30

@Devilmakes3

Your partner is allowing his don to treat you like absolute crap in your own home. In other words your partner is treating you like crap by not putting an end to his son treating you like crap. The real question is why are you letting them treat you so badly. People can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Up your standards for yourself.
His father doesn't see it. He does the same with the cigarettes. He just says get a cleaner. He ignores his son if he's surly and rude and just defends him.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:31

@Coop80

Also what is your stepsons relationship like with his mothe, is his attitude just towards you or any type of matriarch
They don't have a great relationship. I suspect there's an element of misogyny at play.
OP posts:
Riverlee · 02/01/2022 14:31

Basically you have three options

  1. Do nothing - let the situation continue how it is
  2. Change the situation - set house rules etc regarding cleaning, smoking etc (and enforce them)
  3. Remove the problem - ie son leaves
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 14:32

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over. The behaviour of his son though feels like the final straw.

You're in an abusive relationship.

You need to at least tell him you need space so him and his son need to go to his.

Then when he's out of the house hopefully you can get your head straight and realise this relationship is completely unhealthy and not sustainable.

He's essentially just ground you down into compliance so you don't rock the boat. He's an arsehole.

LannieDuck · 02/01/2022 14:32

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave.

Is that from the father? Time for the relationship to end, I'm afraid.

The son pissing out the window would be the end of it for me. DSS would be gone (esp if Dad can pay for alternate accommodation - no guilt whatsoever at asking him to leave), and if DP follows that's his choice.

MrsKeats · 02/01/2022 14:32

tirade of abuse
Right so get a friend or family member over if you are scared and kick them both out-how is this a fulfilling way to live?
If you are wealthy as you say you have a million options and ways to remake your life.

Blueuggboots · 02/01/2022 14:32

I would say "oh, you're making a sandwich? Yes please, I'll have insert chosen sandwich filling, thanks so much".

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 14:33

Xpost with OP.

I can't bring anything up any more. It just ends in a tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over. The behaviour of his son though feels like the final straw

Tirade of abuse from father or son?

If the former, and you are independently wealthy as you say, why do you not just end this relationship for your own health and happiness? Have you been ground down by abuse over the years?

AnotherForumUser · 02/01/2022 14:35

In my earlier post I suggested putting the son's stuff into a bin liner. Given your latest post I have changed my mind. Do that for both of them. Chuck the bin bags in the street, off of your property. They are over privileged, arrogant and inadequate bullies. They assume women are made to be their targets. You don't need them. You can do so much better. If you are scared ask friends to help you through this. Don't let these arsewipes stay another night.

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 14:36

They don't have a great relationship. I suspect there's an element of misogyny at play.

It's not just an element though, is it?

TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 14:37

tirade of abuse and threats to leave. I've given up trying to sort things out or stand up for myself. Its easier to just roll over

You poor, poor lady.
My heart goes out to you.
He is nothing but a bully.

Do have a friend in RL you can speak to about this?
Anyone who could be with you if you decide to tell him to leave?
You could contact the Samaritans who will listen without judgement.

Remember - he has conditioned you over nearly two decades to accept his abuse. Of course you are now cowed and frightened. But it is not true that any relationship, no matter how bad, is better than no relationship at all

This man is a worthless piece of shit.
You deserve so much better.

TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 14:39

Remove the problem - ie son leaves

The father is the real problem. The son is just a symptom of the problem.

OP is angry at the son cos she is too frightened to be angry at the father.

LostForIdeas · 02/01/2022 14:40

They've just got in and the son said I'm making a sandwich, do you want one dad. Didn't offer to me. If I did the same in reverse, there'd be hell to pay.

But you can say ‘oh that’s a fantastic idea! Thank you. Can I have a hand and cheese sandwich too?’

Basically act assuming he was going to do that because, you know, it’s obvious he should do that iyswim.

Ragruggers · 02/01/2022 14:42

This is an awful situation for you but maybe you need to see for yourself how awful it is after reading this thread and others opinions.The son most probably is playing you against his father he would like his father to move out with him so is getting what he really wants.Does your partner have his own property?that is nor clear.You have a choice but your partner doesn’t sound as if he cares about you at all.Sorry.Time to move on you deserve better.

anne2650 · 02/01/2022 14:42

I'm raging for you op. It's your house and yet you're being treated with so much disrespect and contempt. Don't be afraid. Get them out!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 14:43

They are over privileged, arrogant and inadequate bullies. They assume women are made to be their targets.

This. Misogynists are unbearable at any time but when they team up theyre especially vile.

Get these arseholes out of your house.

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