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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 21:22

I lose the man I love

I'm guess

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 21:25

I lose the man I love

I'm guessing that the man you love doesn't actually exist, you have fallen for a version of the real man. A version who does not treat you soooo very badly.

By all means mourn the lost of the man you thought you loved. Don't confuse him with the much less lovely man who is living with you and treating you so badly.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 21:30

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.

All you’re asking for a bit of respect.
If that means the end of your relationship then he doesn’t love you.

A lot of men don’t respect women who have no respect for themselves.
If you do break up, you’ll find if you remain strong he’ll be begging for you back and then you’ll have a stronger relationship built on mutual respect.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2022 21:43

@kweeble

Tell them both it’s time to go
This
GloriaSicTransitMundi · 03/01/2022 00:48

Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.

Dear OP, your future is right now, you're living it. Please see if you can find someone in real life to talk this awful situation through with, who can support you whatever you decide. I think you know your life can't go on this way. I think there are quite a few people on here wishing you strength and nothing but good things ahead for you..

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2022 01:29

@queenMab99

Young men of this age can be very thoughtless, and depending on upbringing would not think to clear up outside I would tell him you heard him peeing in the grid, hand him a bucket and a yard brush and ask him to swill off the area of ash and swill the grid and general location with bleach. How does his father explain his attitude to you? Does he really think that ignoring your existence is acceptable while living in your house. If the son was living with you as a lodger independent of his father, you would speak to him directly, and ask why he is taking this attitude to you, but I can see that the situation you are in is more complicated. My own son of 20 was not quite so rude to my partner when he visited for weekends, but was reluctant to eat or socialise with us, I talked to him about it, and he admitted it wasn't sharing a table or room with us that upset him, but the thought of me sharing a bed with a man, who was not his father. If he has not been around you and his father much in the eighteen years of your relationship, it may be something basic like that. Eventually my son got on well with my partner, and actually shared a small business with him for a number of years.
You've not read the OP's posts, have you?
EmmasMum12 · 03/01/2022 01:55

Son treats you like shit

Partner / Dad allows the above

Both would simply up and leave without a second thought should you decide to make reference to you being treated like shit

And you're wary of telling them how unhappy you are????

Because? Are you scared of being alone?

Please find some some self respect and learn that being alone is quite wonderful

OnaBegonia · 03/01/2022 09:54

@queenMab99
Another excusing of a man's atrocious behaviour.

pickingdaisies · 03/01/2022 10:32

@GloriaSicTransitMundi

Imabouttoexplode

I guess I lose the man I love who I've been with for many years who I'd have liked a future with.

Dear OP, your future is right now, you're living it. Please see if you can find someone in real life to talk this awful situation through with, who can support you whatever you decide. I think you know your life can't go on this way. I think there are quite a few people on here wishing you strength and nothing but good things ahead for you..

This. What you are living now is all you can expect. Nothing will change unless you change it. The man you love is fictional. He only existed to keep you in line. Now that you've been totally ground down there's not much need for him, so you'll see a lot more of the real man behind the mask. That's no future, and I'm so sorry that you have been pushed into this situation. Please get some real life support for yourself, you deserve so much more than this.
Emmelina · 03/01/2022 10:59

It’s your house, not your partner’s. Your rules for BOTH of them to abide to. If he won’t back you up, your partner needs to leave too.

queenMab99 · 03/01/2022 11:18

I wasn't excusing the father or the son, but as the op seems reluctant to lose the relationship, just giving some alternatives. I would not entertain such disrespect, my sons warned my second husband I was likely to throw him out at the drop of a hat (or fag end)Grin

Imabouttoexplode · 03/01/2022 13:58

I came home this morning to a poo splattered toilet (sorry) that the son had just left. He'd been up, done that and gone back to bed. I know some of you will say that you'd have got him out of bed there and then and made him clean it but there'd be a nuclear explosion if I did that. I left it (no way was I cleaning it). Spoke to his dad and said can you tell him to clean the toilet. He replied and said he'd just done it (my oh, not the son). The son is still in bed asleep right now, at 2pm. 3 more weeks until he goes and then this situation will never happen again. I'll get a cleaner in and a window cleaner and someone to powerwash outside once they've gone and they can pay for it all. Then I need to find some strength to figure out where I go from here. The son was thrown out of the house by his mother for being rude and aggressive when he was younger and his father just thinks he's misunderstood and has improved a lot since then.

OP posts:
GloriaSicTransitMundi · 03/01/2022 14:06

Poor you, OP, at least his dad cleaned it up. If you're going to try and ride out the next three weeks, I'd get the cleaners in now, to save your sanity, and then again once they've gone. Son's mum had the right idea though..

KaptainKaveman · 03/01/2022 14:18

@Imabouttoexplode

I came home this morning to a poo splattered toilet (sorry) that the son had just left. He'd been up, done that and gone back to bed. I know some of you will say that you'd have got him out of bed there and then and made him clean it but there'd be a nuclear explosion if I did that. I left it (no way was I cleaning it). Spoke to his dad and said can you tell him to clean the toilet. He replied and said he'd just done it (my oh, not the son). The son is still in bed asleep right now, at 2pm. 3 more weeks until he goes and then this situation will never happen again. I'll get a cleaner in and a window cleaner and someone to powerwash outside once they've gone and they can pay for it all. Then I need to find some strength to figure out where I go from here. The son was thrown out of the house by his mother for being rude and aggressive when he was younger and his father just thinks he's misunderstood and has improved a lot since then.
How disgusting. So what if it goes nuclear? it needs to be called out, not persistently ignored.

You aren't going to say anything are you? you are going to allow yourself to be bullied and belittled for three more weeks. How sad. This relationship is really messed up at a deep level OP.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/01/2022 14:20

Dump both

beautifullymad · 03/01/2022 15:08

@Whatonearth07957

It's a bit more complex from your updates. 3 weeks to the next job. I would concentrate on you and a big Spring clean of the house - get third party deep cleaners in including the son's room. Invade his privacy in a deep seated cheery way. Have everything washing all the time. Bleach outside as there's smell of fox and it's attracting vermin. Failure to launch comes to mind. Don't rely on your DP or make specific negative comments against the son. More a 'right, new year, deep clean'. At least son and DP will see you can't live like this. Invite friends around, particularly outspoken very tidy female friends who will help to do performance cleaning. Also anyone half decent who is sons age to metaphorically boot him up backside . I know it's not pc but if you don't want DP to side with son but want to make a point it's an idea...
I think this is a really good idea. It's non confrontational and I'd be getting your OH to pay for the cleaners.

Get the sons room cleaned thoroughly early morning preferably.

I think deep spring cleaning whist appearing cheerful would help.

Riverlee · 03/01/2022 15:31

Three more weeks. Why wait.

Have words now and say how son has to up his game and be a decent guest.

Where is the son going in three weeks? Has he got a house share to go to? Why can’t he go now?

FinallyHere · 03/01/2022 15:58

This is all a bit puzzlin'

You know they have no respect for you, why are you counting down the days til 'they' are gone?

Why not ask them to leave now ?

Do you really want the father in your life, now that you have seen this side of him? Is your relationship with him so good when the son is not around? I would have thought that this would have opened your eyes ?

How can you possibly want him to be around?

Rightshoardingsaurus · 03/01/2022 16:01

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/01/2022 16:10

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TatianaBis · 03/01/2022 16:15

Honestly OP - what is your relationship like with your DP the rest of the time?

TatianaBis · 03/01/2022 16:17

How does he treat you?

KaptainKaveman · 03/01/2022 17:36

Your partner is complicit in the abuse and bullying. I hope you understand this vital truth, OP.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2022 08:45

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