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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 12:22

Partner (his dad) is very wealthy.

If partner is wealthy how come he is living with you and not the other way around?

How often did the son used to stay with you growing up?

I wonder if there is a bit of resentment for some reason from him.

You’ve been with your partner for 18 years - has he had consistent contact with him throughout that entire time?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2022 12:22

I don't want to end it with his father, although we have loads of problems ourselves but I'm still not ready for the relationship to end yet

That's absolutely your decision to make, but if you tolerate this sort of abuse from both of them it'll continue and there won't be much point moaning about it

No doubt your partner being "very wealthy" has its benefits, but is it really worth this?

CrocodilesCry · 02/01/2022 12:23

You're being treated like a doormat because you are letting them treat you like one.

Get your self respect back. Tell the son he has ten days to find somewhere else to live. The dad can do the same if he doesn't like it.

What on earth are you getting from this relationship if they're both prepared to treat you like this? Are you just overlooking the lack of respect because his dad is well off?

isitfree · 02/01/2022 12:24

I would stop the smoking indoors for a start!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/01/2022 12:25

You're changing your story OP. In your OP you said partner was staying with you temporarily, and in another you said he had been living with you for 18 years.

Also, if he really is wealthy, which I strongly suspect he isn't, then he can get his own place.

What is it with this mumsnet obsession about living with boyfriends?? In real life everyone I know is either married or lives independantly. It's bizzare.

Jennalong · 02/01/2022 12:26

My ' rules ' of my house would be :
No smoking in the house . If you smoke in garden pick up your fag ends.
If eating outside mealtimes , wash up and put away after yourself.
If a family meal has been cooked , all eat together.
Keep a tidy room.
Be actively looking for a job , with view to move out when settled.
Everyone to treat everybody with respect .

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 12:27

No she said they’d been together for 18 years, not that they were living together.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 12:27

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

You're changing your story OP. In your OP you said partner was staying with you temporarily, and in another you said he had been living with you for 18 years.

Also, if he really is wealthy, which I strongly suspect he isn't, then he can get his own place.

What is it with this mumsnet obsession about living with boyfriends?? In real life everyone I know is either married or lives independantly. It's bizzare.

She said they'd been together for 18 years. Not living together.
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2022 12:27

Time to despatch DP somewhere as well. Is his home being renovated or something? I suspect DH and I would get on much better if he lived elsewhere, as he lives like a teenager Hmm And as for having DSD's to live here (adult) I saw how they behaved when they lived temporarily with DH's X, and that wouldn't be happening in my house. I made that very plain before we were married. And if it was a deal breaker, so be it. They are just ferral in their living habits unfortunately.

If he can't go home, travelodges are cheap as chips.

Maskless · 02/01/2022 12:28

I would not even put up with this insulting treatment if I were the lodger in a home owned by the man and his son!

This boy is actually abusing you.

Shove all his stuff in a binbag and hand it to him son as he gets back.

What exactly are you going to do, OP?

Maskless · 02/01/2022 12:30

@CrocodilesCry

You're being treated like a doormat because you are letting them treat you like one.

Get your self respect back. Tell the son he has ten days to find somewhere else to live. The dad can do the same if he doesn't like it.

What on earth are you getting from this relationship if they're both prepared to treat you like this? Are you just overlooking the lack of respect because his dad is well off?

Ten days?

They don't deserve ten days.

Ten HOURS more like!

Pamlar · 02/01/2022 12:31

I lived with my step mother in my 20s and i
am ashamed to admit that I also did nothing to contribute. I wasn't doing the specifically disgusting things your step son is doing but I was entirely selfish on reflection.
I feel ashamed now thinking about it. I would say something calmly and as politely as possible and try to avoid the words "my house" bc it won't end well.
Just tell him you what you expect and if he and his father don't improve their ways then you have a painful choice to make.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/01/2022 12:34

Apologies I thought it said living together.

Anyway, how odd that his son needs somewhere to live at the exact time his father is living temporarily with you. What a co-incidence.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:38

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I don't want to end it with his father, although we have loads of problems ourselves but I'm still not ready for the relationship to end yet

That's absolutely your decision to make, but if you tolerate this sort of abuse from both of them it'll continue and there won't be much point moaning about it

No doubt your partner being "very wealthy" has its benefits, but is it really worth this?

I don't need his money. I have money in my own right.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:39

@Pamlar

I lived with my step mother in my 20s and i am ashamed to admit that I also did nothing to contribute. I wasn't doing the specifically disgusting things your step son is doing but I was entirely selfish on reflection. I feel ashamed now thinking about it. I would say something calmly and as politely as possible and try to avoid the words "my house" bc it won't end well. Just tell him you what you expect and if he and his father don't improve their ways then you have a painful choice to make.
Exactly. If I say my house, it won't end well even though it is my house.
OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 02/01/2022 12:39

@AsYouWishButtercup

Who is voting YABU?! I want to speak to the people who think it’s fine to leave fag butts in the house and piss in the garden Hmm
This ^^
tara66 · 02/01/2022 12:40

Wealthy father then could buy son a flat - why are they living with you? If he gave son a flat now and lives 7 years = no IHT.

whynotwhatknot · 02/01/2022 12:41

So what it is your house and neither have any respect for you

hes not a teenager hes 20 and if theyre so rich why are are they staying with you

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:42

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

You're changing your story OP. In your OP you said partner was staying with you temporarily, and in another you said he had been living with you for 18 years.

Also, if he really is wealthy, which I strongly suspect he isn't, then he can get his own place.

What is it with this mumsnet obsession about living with boyfriends?? In real life everyone I know is either married or lives independantly. It's bizzare.

I'm not changing any of my story at all and yes, we are both wealthy, him more than me but that's not the point here. We have been together for 18 years but he travels with work a lot, so isn't always here.
OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/01/2022 12:44

Why is he living with you temporarily?

SarahProblem · 02/01/2022 12:45

Ok so it sounds like money isn't the driver of going to have an impact.

Speak to DP and tell him DSS has to pull weight in the house. For him to speak to DSS and give him a list of housework stuff to do each day

When does his new job start OP?

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:45

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.

OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:47

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Why is he living with you temporarily?
Between jobs. New one starts in about 3 weeks.
OP posts:
TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 12:49

Why does it matter if your partner moves out tomorrow? Presumably he has a home somewhere?

Why are you putting up with being treated like shit to keep the peace?

SarahProblem · 02/01/2022 12:51

If your DP would so easily move out I think that's very telling about the state of the relationship OP.

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