Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/01/2022 12:52

18 years together and if you comment on his sons behaviour he will walk out the door 5 minutes later? What kind of crappy relationship is that exactly?

whynotwhatknot · 02/01/2022 12:52

Him moving out would tell you exaclty what he thinks of you-what happens next time the son wants to stay and treats your house like a tip

tell them to buy their own places or the son can so you dont have to put him up

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 12:53

@Imabouttoexplode

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.
Why are you with someone who'll leave you for asking for basic respect?
Inthesameboatatmo · 02/01/2022 12:55

I would not put with behaviour like that from anyone especially I my own home. Tell them both to piss off.

Bluebluemoon · 02/01/2022 12:56

If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.

I'm sorry, but you've basically answered your own question here,

You obviously love your dp a lot more than he loves you. If he would move out tomorrow bc you've dared to criticise his son, well he really doesn't care about you that much.

I get the impression you are a convenient place for him to stay when he's not travelling and he's fond of you. But not fond enough to give his lazy-arse son a dressing down over how damn disrespectful he is to you.

You've said yourself there are a lot of problems in the relationship. IMO the problems are with your dp, not the son . The son knows full well he can do what the hell he likes and his daddy will protect him.

2bazookas · 02/01/2022 13:00

That is NOT behaviour I'd have tolerated from my own teen somns, let alone someone elses.

You don't have to wait for your partner to intervene/deal with his son/ or give you permission to deal with his son.

It's YOUR house, the son is YOUR GUEST. You tell him his behaviour is totally unacceptable, he has abused your hospitality and he has to leave today. Not negotiable.

If his father disagrees he can leave too.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 13:01

Have you always had a strained relationship with him or has it only been since he’s living with you?

2bazookas · 02/01/2022 13:02

If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar

Which is exactly what he (and his son) SHOULD do. Your partner (and the son) will soon discover no BB or AIR BNB landlord will permit those behaviours from a paying guest.

2022success · 02/01/2022 13:07

@Imabouttoexplode

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.
Yes - that's the point - surely you want them to move out? If not, why are you complaining about it? This situation is very easily resolved but you seem unwilling, rather than unable to resolve it.

There's a place for being tolerant and keeping the peace - usually around minor niggles and differences. Not when someone is treating you like a pile of shit. Why is your self esteem so low?

I'm out.

Riverlee · 02/01/2022 13:08

My dc are similar ages and some of the stuff you describe is par for the course - sloping around, spending time in his room, not voluntarily helping etc. if they’ve never had to help out before, they don’t automatically think to do so.

You need to set house rules if he’s living with you - help to clear up after meals, don’t leave fag ash around etc. start pulling him up on it. If he doesn’t like it, he can lump it. It’s your house he’s staying in, not a hotel!

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 13:10

My dc are similar ages and some of the stuff you describe is par for the course - sloping around, spending time in his room, not voluntarily helping etc. if they’ve never had to help out before, they don’t automatically think to do so.

At 20 years old it's not par for the course...

ChampagneLassie · 02/01/2022 13:11

@Imabouttoexplode I just clicked on and read all your posts, no one else's. You sound very defensive of the situation. It sounds like you want your DP to step up and be better and you're worried that challenging any of this behaviour will cause DP to up sticks and leave. Maybe counselling would help you and how to engage with DP. You're not in a relationship with the son... he's almost a red herring here. If challenging his behaviour would cause DP to leave you're on shake ground. It's your relationship you need to work on. But don't just keep taking this. If DP isn't motivated to treat you better you derseve better and should end it

ThackeryBinks · 02/01/2022 13:11

Can't imagine one of my grown up DSS peeing in the garden. DP never let them get away with much at all. Being tough has paid dividends for ours as they all work and are really up together.

MaternityNurse007 · 02/01/2022 13:14

It all depends.... is he more likely be out of your house in a week or so or are we talking about months? Or longer? You should agree a deadline , talk about some house rules till his last day...and perhaps he can move to his mum's after ?
Even if he finds a job, he might still end up or wants to stay for months ,so i would come up with a plan, excuse or smthing about deadline, explain you are a private person and find it unhealthy to live with a young bloke and his dad under one roof, different generation, you don't know him that well and a few weeks fine but don't feel comfortable living together longer than xyz...i think he will need a ,,little motivation" to move out after all. Especially after being soooo comfortable at yours, pissing in the garden is def not a normal teenage thing no.

Anordinarymum · 02/01/2022 13:16

So if you are still reading this thread OP where do you see this panning out because its one way or the highway as I see it

GrazingSheep · 02/01/2022 13:17

Is it so unbearable to be single that you are prepared to tolerate this ?

RantyAunty · 02/01/2022 13:22

It's very telling you believe your DP would leave simply for asking his son be respectful in your home.

What type of problems do you have with DP?

SpacePotato · 02/01/2022 13:23

If your DP is so wealthy why can't he pay rent on a flat for his son?

ZenNudist · 02/01/2022 13:24

Ah well vent away.

NowEvenBetter · 02/01/2022 13:26

What do you want from the thread? You’re a passive bystander in your own life. Who cares if your boyfriend moves out? I can see why you’re ‘not ready’ to dump your very wealthy boyfriend Wink but it comes across as desperate and humiliating yourself just to have a man. Good luck with that.

Whatonearth07957 · 02/01/2022 13:32

It's a bit more complex from your updates. 3 weeks to the next job. I would concentrate on you and a big Spring clean of the house - get third party deep cleaners in including the son's room. Invade his privacy in a deep seated cheery way. Have everything washing all the time. Bleach outside as there's smell of fox and it's attracting vermin. Failure to launch comes to mind. Don't rely on your DP or make specific negative comments against the son. More a 'right, new year, deep clean'. At least son and DP will see you can't live like this. Invite friends around, particularly outspoken very tidy female friends who will help to do performance cleaning. Also anyone half decent who is sons age to metaphorically boot him up backside . I know it's not pc but if you don't want DP to side with son but want to make a point it's an idea...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 13:34

@Imabouttoexplode

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.
Off he fucks then.

He's enabling a twenty year old man to be rude and ungrateful to you in your own home.

At best he's a weak willed coward.

You say there are lots of other problems in your relationship too - why on earth are you not even willing to tell him his son is being out of order to see what he says?

If he really does move out as a result of you essentially requesting someone treats you with respect, he shouldn't be living with you anyway. He's a shit partner!

If he's 'very wealthy' why isn't he paying for his son to have his own place instead of being rude to you in your home?

CharityDingle · 02/01/2022 13:34

Gross. Get rid of both.

Liz1tummypain · 02/01/2022 13:38

yes that can be typical behaviour. Why is any adult siding with him though? Your partner should be supporting you.

flowersforbrains · 02/01/2022 13:38

You're not relying on either of them financially so why put up with this? It's your house. If neither of them behave how you would like them to then it's time to move them on.

Your relationship sounds a bit rubbish tbh. Maybe get some space and decide what YOU want.