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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
AnotherForumUser · 02/01/2022 11:57

@Imabouttoexplode

They've both just left the house to go food shopping and the son just walks past me and doesn't say bye. He'll come back in later and walk past me and not say hello. I feel invisible in my own home.
If you don't stand up to them and make it clear the son's behaviour is totally unacceptable this will continue. You will in effect become a lodger in your own house with no say because the menz ignore your polite requests to be considerate. Deal with it now. Pack the son's stuff in a bin liner (ideally a filthy one from the bin). Put it in front of them when they return. Tell them this ends now. Son shapes up or ships out and mean it. No cigarette ends or ash lying around. No pissing in the garden. And he not only acknowledges you but is polite and respectful. If daddy dearest whines tell him he can leave with his son. That they won't be welcome back in your house. Your partner is behaving like a housemate not a partner. He needs to make sure his golden boy is housetrained before he inflicts him on anyone else
Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/01/2022 11:58

OP, why are you worried about upsetting the 20yo and his dad? They aren’t worried about upsetting you.

Loads of people have said to tell the son to leave but you seem reluctant to do this. Why is this?

Personally, I think you need some healthy boundaries and get rid of the user/s in your life.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 11:58

So then you’ve known the stepson since he was 2? And he treats you like this? It’s not normal and it can’t continue.

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 11:58

Can I respectfully suggest you have had lots of advice on here and most is the same, it’s not acceptable

So either speak to your partner and tell him his son is rude, and give him the examples you have here, along with the mess and wee in the drain and ask him to tell his son to start being polite and pull his weight or you will ask him to leave

Or you speak to his son and tell him direct

If the result is that both leave then you know how you stand with your partner. If you have been with him 18 Years you have known the son since he was 2=do the behaviour is totally unacceptable

wednesday32 · 02/01/2022 12:00

This is disgusting behaviour, I do not h see stand why you are letting a grown man behave twitch xo let’s distressed to you and why you allow your partner to stand by and watch it happen. They need to move out and find somewhere else to live, this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship with your partner but he cannot live with you and allow his son to treat your house as an ashtray and toilet. What disgusting manners, this says just as much about your partner as it does the son. And whether you have been together 18 minutes or 18 years doesn’t change anything, you are being tested like a fool.

Azerothi · 02/01/2022 12:01

Why is your boyfriend living with you temporarily? Have you and the boyfriend ever lived together?

I would put the full force of the blame on your boyfriend, you can't do anything about his son, but you can tell your boyfriend to leave and take his son with him. This is piss taking from your boyfriend at its finest.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 12:03

@Imabouttoexplode

They've both just left the house to go food shopping and the son just walks past me and doesn't say bye. He'll come back in later and walk past me and not say hello. I feel invisible in my own home.
So when he comes back and doesn’t say hello, call him out!!? He needs to hear that this is YOUR home and it’s shitty behaviour not to say hello or goodbye. If he does it again, he can say goodbye forever! Please stand up for yourself, and do it now.
Original poster
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 12:04

@SarahProblem

Also I'd advise not using euphemisms like "between Jobs" unless he is starting a job soon. If not he's unemployed and should be giving you a contribution from his UC to run the house.
Hes genuinely between jobs and doesn't claim benefits. Hes a trust fund kid. Partner (his dad) is very wealthy.
OP posts:
2022success · 02/01/2022 12:05

So why is he living with you then and not in his own apartment if DP is that wealthy?

I think you need to explain what is actually going on here OP as it all sounds so shit for you, but you seem unwilling to do anything about it so...

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 12:07

Well if dad is very wealthy he can find a flat for them both tomorrow. Why is he living with you?

BoodleBug51 · 02/01/2022 12:08

If you act like a doormat, you can't complain when people walk all over you.

He's behaving like it because he can. His age is irrelevant.

gunnersgold · 02/01/2022 12:09

The outdoor wee is surely a dominance thing , he is telling you he is in charge . Get them both out !

ProudThrilledHappy · 02/01/2022 12:09

If Daddy is so wealthy he can help set him up in a flat share somewhere. Time to give a deadline Op. fag butts outside I could tolerate but pissing out the window and not showing you the basic courtesy of manners would be a big no

RosiePosieDozy · 02/01/2022 12:11

That's awful. I most definitely did not behave like this at that age. My brother at that age on the other hand sounds much the same as your SS, minus the smoking. My parents encouraged him to find his own place a few years later and it was 100% the best thing for him. He matured almost overnight.

You should not put up with being treated like this in your own home. It's all of it combined. If I was you, I could maybe turn a blind eye to the cigarettes everywhere but ignoring you is disgusting. So you're good enough to let him live in your home as an adult rent free but he can't even speak to you???? That is not on. He needs to change or go. Let your DH go with him if he is allowing such disrespect towards you.

NeverChange · 02/01/2022 12:11

I would have a bigger issue with your partner not pulling his son up on his behaviour.

Let's be honest here....fag ass on an outdoor surface is not s big deal and a stray cigarette butt (carried by the wind, occasionally carelessness etc) aren't big issues. Pissing in a drain pipe and being rude are though and you are at a stage where everything annoys you about him. Why are you putting up with it?

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 12:12

@Imabouttoexplode if dads so wealthy why's he lodging at yours and why's his son giving you no money?

candycane222 · 02/01/2022 12:13

Ugh, bewildered that you are not insisting your partner sorts this - by throwing him out if needs be. The fact that he hasn't stepped up to do so already surely makes it crystal clear how "much" (ie, not at all) your partner cares about and respects you.

timeisnotaline · 02/01/2022 12:14

That does make it weird - his very wealthy dad can rent him his own place surely??

SpindleSpangle · 02/01/2022 12:15

Why are these two wealthy men having to live with you, then?

Rental properties, hotels and AirB&B apartments are available.

luckylavender · 02/01/2022 12:16

They're using you like a doormat. Time to start afresh.

Youngstreet · 02/01/2022 12:18

My god you need to have a word with yourself.
These ‘men’ are treating you with total disrespect in your own home.
Don’t complain on here.
Get mad and tell the son to shape up or F off and if his daddykins doesn’t like it he can go too.

TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 12:19

@Imabouttoexplode

They've both just left the house to go food shopping and the son just walks past me and doesn't say bye. He'll come back in later and walk past me and not say hello. I feel invisible in my own home.
When they come back, tell him his behaviour changes right now. You will no longer tolerate his rudeness, there will be no smoking in the house, no peeing outside and he pulls his weight, ie hoovering, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms etc. There is no discussion about this - if he doesn’t like it, he leaves. Immediately. First sign of rudeness - he leaves.

Do not just lie down and let this rude, lazy gut walk all over you.

And if your partner tries to make excuses - tell him no, his sons behaviour is not acceptable to you and you won’t discuss it any further. Your house = your rules.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 12:20

I think the son needs a strongly worded broadside from you and if your DP doesn't back you up, you can give him one too. Don't be mealy mouthed about it: they both know that they're taking the complete piss with you.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 12:21

If his dad is well off, why are they both living with you?
You sound very afraid of the consequences of setting boundaries for the relationship. Trouble is, the trade off is you having to live like this, unhappy and stressed in your own home. Are you ok with that to keep this bloke on side?

Maskless · 02/01/2022 12:21

I'm utterly horrified by what you have written.

He isn't a teenager.

Many men aged 20 are already married with kids! He really is behaving like Kevin, who was 13, I think.

OP do not tolerate this for another minute! Drag him by the scruff and give him the tongue-lashing of his life! Tell him you want to see a 180 degree change in his behaviour, or you will evict him and change the lock.

Shame on your ex partner for allowing his son to treat you this way.

Peeing in the fucking garden????? OMG.