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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 11:11

@TenThousandSpoons

Are you sure he peed in the drain? Just wondering if he might have been pouring a drink away or something instead as that’s outrageous! That and the fag butts on the floor would mean he’d be out and I’d be telling him exactly why. If partner disagrees he can go too
Yes, positive. There's also an ashtray out there which he uses but every now and then, I'll find a stray but end and I either pick it up myself or it stays where it is. There's also fag ash all over the floor. The son can do no wrong though and if I say anything, he sides with him. I have said various stuff over the last few weeks since he's been here but I'm not keeping on saying it.
OP posts:
longwayoff · 02/01/2022 11:11

His father left when he was 2 years old? Time they got know each other then. Elsewhere.Hopefully his father can teach him some long neglected manners.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 11:13

@asco

If you allow it, it will happen. YOUR enabling it. He would never ever have been allowed to smoke in my house in the first place and if I had heard him pissing out a window?????? I would have gone straight up there and announced "You dirty bastard, get your stuff and get the fuck out of my house"
He doesn't smoke in the house and I heard him peeing in the middle of the night and I may in bed seething rather than jumping out of bed.
OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 02/01/2022 11:18

It's your house so your rules. You get to call the shots and I'd be coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Dirty bugger.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 11:32

I’d say time is up for the son. If father defends him he can go with him.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 11:32

“This isn’t working for me” is the MN fav.

2022success · 02/01/2022 11:34

Off they both fuck then.

You are being disrespected in your own home - how much worse does it have to get before you tell him to leave? DP can fuck off too if he thinks this is acceptable.

Find your self respect!

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 11:34

@TatianaBis

I’d say time is up for the son. If father defends him he can go with him.
I don't want to end it with his father, although we have loads of problems ourselves but I'm still not ready for the relationship to end yet.
OP posts:
SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 02/01/2022 11:38

That behaviour is absolutely appalling and definitely not just "normal young adult" behaviour. The son needs to go.

Personally I'd be asking the father to go as well, but that's up to you...

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 11:40

They've both just left the house to go food shopping and the son just walks past me and doesn't say bye. He'll come back in later and walk past me and not say hello. I feel invisible in my own home.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 02/01/2022 11:41

You don’t have to end the relationship with your partner, he’s living with you temporarily you say, he just needs to move out. Or, alternatively he can stop defending his son’s appalling behaviour.

LindaEllen · 02/01/2022 11:41

I have a similar situation when stepson is home from uni in the holidays - the only difference being DP agrees with me and backs me up.

The problem is, how on earth do you make a big 18 year old lad do something he doesn't want to do? We tried everything, he's not bothered. He was like this before uni but we made some great progress. Unfortunately living on his own with no rules has completely counteracted that progress and made things worse than ever.

I have no solution, but you have my sympathy.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 02/01/2022 11:42

Out they both go.

Seriously.

They're users, the both of them. Slobs? Smoking in your house? Peeing out the window into your garden? Gross.

tara66 · 02/01/2022 11:43

How long is ''temporary'' then? You tell them what the word means.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 11:45

Hes borderline rude towards me

What do you mean by this?
Often teens can come across as rude but they’re not meaning to.

I would be telling your partner to tell his son that he needs to pull his weight a bit more and if he makes a mess the son should clean it up - if not the partner needs to.

I think YABU about the ash and fag butts - sounds like the wind has blew them out of the ashtray so not really his fault. Maybe see if there’s an ashtray that has a lid and get him to buy one of them instead.

At 20 he’s not a teenager so shouldn’t acting like one.
Of course he’s not going to be as mature as you or partner but he should be pitching in around the house.
He’s probably feeling a bit rubbish that he doesn’t have a job so I wouldn’t be too hard on him.

Staying in his room all day = fine.
Being rude or not cleaning up his mess = not fine.

Do you have any kids?
It sounds like you are struggling have an extra person in your home which is completely understandable.

CharSiu · 02/01/2022 11:46

So your partner left when he was 2, seems like his guilt is why he is not backing you up.

Plus your financial contribution but he doesn’t need to contribute sentence, what’s that all about? I don’t care if your a millionaire all adults need to financially contribute however small.

Justvent08 · 02/01/2022 11:46

OP, I have different issues with adult DSC, but what you allow in YOUR house should not be tolerated.
Calmly tell your partner this arrangement can't continue. He is rude and disrespectful to you and he is no longer welcome. Give him 2 weeks (1 month if you are feeling generous) to move out. If your partner starts defending him just shut him down and tell him you've been trough this discussion before and you feel different. If he is unhappy he can join his son and perhaps you can continue your relationship without cohabitation

SarahProblem · 02/01/2022 11:47

You need to set the rules and tell them what the consequences are.

DP should be supporting you to enforce them so you're not made out to be the bad person.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 11:47

They're users, the both of them. Slobs? Smoking in your house? Peeing out the window into your garden? Gross.

Where does it say they smoke in the house or pee out of the window?

Pieminster · 02/01/2022 11:47

What other issues do you have in your relationship, OP? Are they small or big like this one?

SarahProblem · 02/01/2022 11:48

Also I'd advise not using euphemisms like "between Jobs" unless he is starting a job soon. If not he's unemployed and should be giving you a contribution from his UC to run the house.

GabriellaMontez · 02/01/2022 11:50

Perhaps you need a break from him. Doesn't have to be an end. But if you have issues then maybe this would be a good time to have some space.

I'm disgusted by the lack of respect they're both showing you. It reflects very badly on your partner.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/01/2022 11:53

He’s showing you what he thinks of you and your home. This isn’t Daddy’s house; it’s yours.

Speak to your boyfriend. Either his behaviour does a full 180 YESTERDAY or he can find somewhere else to stay, if his Dad doesn’t agree they can just flat-share can’t they?

OP I cannot stress this enough YOU and YOUR HOME deserve better.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/01/2022 11:54

My three year old wouldn’t wee in the back garden so why a grown man thinks is appropriate is fucking beyond me. Animalistic behaviour.

jeaux90 · 02/01/2022 11:57

Disgraceful behaviour. I'd ask him why he thinks he is entitled to behave in that way.

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