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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

162 replies

Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 01:50

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 01:57

My dad screaming at me ended with me swearing at him. I feel bad about it now but they just kept acting like they didnt care how I was feeling.

We generally never speak to each other like that or argue so it was upsetting.

OP posts:
Lineofconcepcion · 02/01/2022 01:59

Earplugs or pods might have been a more pragmatic solution rather than asking your hosts to quieten down in their own home. However the response from your parents was disappointing. Did you tell them you felt unwell?

SportsMother · 02/01/2022 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PGSTesting123 · 02/01/2022 02:01

You were in the wrong.
Wear ear plugs.

Alieninmybody · 02/01/2022 02:02

Why didn't you just go to bed each night when you were tired?
They're entitled to stay up late and you're entitled to go to bed early or spend all day in bed if you're not feeling well.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 02:03

@Lineofconcepcion even with ear plugs I would not have been able to sleep. The guest room is directly about the room with the television and it is like a cinema experience going on below. And yes I am sensitive to sound.

I realise it is their house but we are rarely together like this. They say I have refused to compromise but I feel I've stayed up multiple late nights now because I feel I have to.

I didnt say I felt unwell. Because technically I dont feel sick - I told them I felt exhausted about 10.30. And that is the first symptoms for me, bone tired fatigue and sometimes feeling off emotionally.

OP posts:
Changethetoner · 02/01/2022 02:04

This could have been avoided if you had cut short your visit, and gone home earlier. You were aware of their nocturnal viewing habits, and chose to stay in their home. YABU

araiwa · 02/01/2022 02:05

Why didn't you go to bed at 10.30? Confused

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 02:05

@Alieninmybody

Why didn't you just go to bed each night when you were tired? They're entitled to stay up late and you're entitled to go to bed early or spend all day in bed if you're not feeling well.
Even with ear plugs it is impossible to sleep when it is this loud. It is one of the reasons I moved out of the house as soon as I could.

Now I do watch tv etc at home but I have my quiet oasis. It has showed me I really struggle to a different routine somewhere else even over a festive period. 8 days of family time is too much for me I think.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 02:06

YABU to be socialising in a way you don’t want to. No you don’t have to do it to make up for Covid. Take control of you life, and stop looking for other people to approve of you.

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2022 02:07

I think it's very difficult for both parents and adult children to adapt to being adults together. Their reaction is very odd - screaming at you, and expecting you to put up with their very antisocial habits and hours, is really strange. OTOH they are obviously convinced they aren't doing anything wrong or unusual, so your comment comes across as rudeness on the part of a guest. Were they always night owls? Do they usually wake so late, or is this because it's Christmas?

I'd honestly be more concerned something was wrong with them, if this is very out of character.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 02:09

@Changethetoner I might have been ok if it wasnt for the endo symptoms starting. I was only diagnosed this year and I still struggle with it a lot. And my parents know I have it but dont seem to understand really.

I would have thought compromise would have been possible when I was staying but obviously it is more expected that I should fall into their line with their habits. I'm only going to be able to do very short visits in future I think.

OP posts:
Clymene · 02/01/2022 02:09

How long have you been staying. Do you think you may have outstayed your welcome?

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2022 02:10

TBH 8 days is a very long time in a small house. What's the saying? 'Fish and guests stink after three days'.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 02:13

@Clymene no, only here a few days. The rest of the time has been spent staying with other relatives. Sadly we have got tired of each other fast when just us.

Our other relatives had us all in bed at a decent time and up early.

OP posts:
Dogshitduty · 02/01/2022 02:19

Yabu. You can't stay in someone else's house and expect them to adapt the way they live for you. If they prefer late nights, so what. If you are sensitive to noise, then bring ear plugs, at least wedge your head between two cushions or play white noise to drown it out.

Also I've never heard the phrase 'bone tired' before misses point

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/01/2022 02:26

I've heard, used, and experienced "bone tired".

And I understand OP's feelings that despite being bone tired, she wouldn't be able to sleep.

I am also a night owl, but a quiet one. I also very much need solitude and silence, and could not do so many nights away from home.

So my advice would be to go home asap, and never again spend so many nights away.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 02:30

@SarahAndQuack

I think it's very difficult for both parents and adult children to adapt to being adults together. Their reaction is very odd - screaming at you, and expecting you to put up with their very antisocial habits and hours, is really strange. OTOH they are obviously convinced they aren't doing anything wrong or unusual, so your comment comes across as rudeness on the part of a guest. Were they always night owls? Do they usually wake so late, or is this because it's Christmas?

I'd honestly be more concerned something was wrong with them, if this is very out of character.

My dad screamed at me and my mum looked mortified as she knew it would cause the situation to escalate. He completely lost his temper.

I obviously shouldnt have sworn but havent felt well all day and there was no transport locally today so I couldn't have gone home anyway.

It isnt out of character for them to gang up and argue with me on the rare occasion it happens. I think you are right about the adults and adult children, for me anyway.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 02/01/2022 02:47

If their habit is to stay up until 2-3am and then sleep until the afternoon, you have the choice to do the same . If you stick to your preferred "early to bed, early to rise" habit then you only see them for the afternoon and evening, every day. Why not either roll along with their timetable while you are there, or choose to stay in a local b+b and just go over to them for the afternoon / evening when they are awake. You're obviously very different from them, so try to make adjustments so you can see each other and avoid arguments.

Namenic · 02/01/2022 02:51

Could misunderstanding have contributed here? I think Op mentioned that she had not specifically said that she was not unwell but rather ‘bone tired’. And although they d known she has endo, they may not have linked her tiredness and feeling emotional to it.

So maybe to her dad, it looks like his adult child is saying she is tired and asking for a shorter film that she can stay up to watch, then trying to be controlling about what the rest of the house does afterwards? Maybe OP u should have said that she is feeling unwell and emotional because of endo and she would like to sleep but is unable to due to the noise - can they turn it down and put on subtitles? Then go to the bedroom to emphasise that she would prefer to sleep? I mean maybe the dad is just a difficult person, but I guess it’s possible that he is interpreting things differently from how op thinks?

unvillage · 02/01/2022 02:58

It does sound unpleasant for you and I sympathise, I have a noisy family, visit irregularly, and can't sleep with any noise.

That's why I book a hotel whenever I visit my family. I know I'll get a good quiet night's sleep, and they get to stay up all night watching loud movies.

Your lifestyles just don't work together - no one is in the wrong, they probably think you lived in your childhood with them doing similar (even if they didn't back then) so you can cope now; you're used to a quieter environment. Realise it can't possibly work, and book a premier inn next time.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 03:32

@unvillage the irony is I now cant sleep anyway because I'm too upset.

I think i will need to suggest doing something different next time/staying elsewhere. They think I am being difficult. That I 'want my own way' like a petulant child. It causes me a lot of mental stress trying to fit into this routine. Feeling really off tonight I struggled more at being unable to do what they wanted or properly rest.

I'm also upset because my dad and I had a great relationship all our lives until about 2 years ago. He has said some horrid things, picked fights with other relatives and we have had increasing number of fights. We get on fine for a day then issues - even 4 years ago we could have a week long family trip with no problems. It makes me feel really sad.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 02/01/2022 03:39

I have endo but I don't see the relevance. You could have said you felt off and just asked to keep the volume down.

LopsidedWombat · 02/01/2022 04:02

Although I do think you should have told them you weren't feeling well, I can't understand why they weren't more accommodating regardless of the fact. I'm a night owl and if anyone stays over I am very careful to make minimal noise and understand that people want to sleep at an earlier hour than I'm able to.

I'd remember this and just decline future invites. There might be something more to it if you say your relationship used to be better.

ElftonWednesday · 02/01/2022 04:41

I'd go to bed when I want and ask them to keep the volume down a bit. I can't sleep with anything stuck in my ears. Also I wouldn't stay as long next time, keep visits short.

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