Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

162 replies

Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 01:50

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2022 04:52

The only way your POV would have been acceptable would have been if you were having to sleep on a sofa bed in the room where the TV is - I imagine they'll be glad when you go home.

plat white noise/take some Nytol/go home or check in to a hotel

Youngstreet · 02/01/2022 04:52

I feel your pain OP.
I have my elderly df staying and he seems to think I'm still a bloody dc.
He tells me he can't hear the TV so i turn it up but as soon as what he wants to watch has finished he complains it's too loud. He also gets up late and wants me to stay up late at night and chat shit.
I'm sure it's his age, he has no tolerance for anyone.
I can't wait for him to go home.
Unfortunately I've to negotiate all the new restrictions to get him back because he lives in the uk and I don't.

Next year just visit your dp's for one night. That's what I'll be doing.

Goneblank38 · 02/01/2022 04:58

Hi OP, like others have suggested, I recommend staying at a hotel next time and keep catch ups short. You're all too different and need your space and routines.

I think it's really rude to invite guests, including your own Adult children, and keep up habits that are obviously really anti social.

If you're dad has started having mood swings and being aggressive over the last two years, there may be more going on with him.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 05:11

Tbh given you couldn't leave any earlier I think your only reasonable option is to make your apologies and leave at the first opportunity. Even without endo, being kept awake all night like that would be awful for most people. It's a shame that your father yelled at you but it's his home and if he wants to watch loud TV into the early hours, then he can though I do feel he was being a bit inconsiderate given what you've said about the level of noise in your bedroom. It doesn't sound as though communication between the pair of you was clear and calm. You've not mentioned his age but is it possible, given the marked deterioration in his behaviour over the last 2 years, that he's becoming unwell?

I think in your shoes once your home, I'd write them a letter explaining why you were struggling with your extreme tiredness and the very late night TV noise and that you were not being deliberately awkward about it. They may not have realised how loud it was in your bedroom or maybe they do but don't care all that much. You can apologise for swearing at your dad but you can also let them know that you don't think you'll be up to doing overnight visits at theirs in the future due to your vastly differing sleep patterns/noise tolerance levels. Personally I would much rather enjoy my kids' company and put off any antisocial predilections I might have until after they've gone than risk making them feel alienated and uncomfortable during their stay with me.

Twinkleylight · 02/01/2022 05:18

Next time you are invited anywhere as a house guest, book into a hotel. You'll then have control over how much time you spend with people. You don't sound very compatible with your family so shorter visits from now on.

LaurenKelsey · 02/01/2022 05:27

I’m an introvert too, and the thought of spending eight days with a group of people - family or not - is enough to make me want to pull my hair out!

Please don’t put yourself in this position again. You know yourself; plan accordingly.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2022 05:51

I'm also upset because my dad and I had a great relationship all our lives until about 2 years ago. He has said some horrid things, picked fights with other relatives and we have had increasing number of fights. We get on fine for a day then issues - even 4 years ago we could have a week long family trip with no problems. It makes me feel really sad.

@Lucia23
That sounds like the onset of dementia.

I think he needs to be assessed. Talk to your mum and find out from her how things are at home. Is he abusive toward her? Short? Snappy? Picks fights? Is this staying up late and getting up late her choice or his?

YANBU - what sort of hosts stay up all night and get up in the afternoon? Yes, they are your parents, but they were completely unreasonable. The hours they keep are very unusual and they should not expect anyone staying in their home to put up with that noise after midnight. Makes no difference that you are their daughter. They can return to their own habits after you leave if that's what they want.

But I think your dad has a medical problem.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2022 05:59

Yanbu but take the advice here to stay in a hotel next time, check that your Mum is ok too

NumberTheory · 02/01/2022 06:05

YANBU to be exhausted and want some peace after socialising so much.

I think perhaps you (and your DF) have failed to realise that you may all be as drained as each other. Not that they don't love you or you them, but you seem to get your energy from very different places. And it is hard for most people to have a guest for more than a couple of days.

So I would just chalk this up to both of you being pushed a bit too far outside your comfort zones and resolve in the future to make shorter trips.

MsChatterbox · 02/01/2022 06:14

I disagree with pps saying they don't have to quiet down for their guests. Loud tv at 2am is ridiculous! I would not be staying with them again overnight.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 02/01/2022 06:25

Even if I couldn’t sleep, I’d still go to my room at 10 or so. Not sit up half the night watching films. Don’t do that to yourself.

autieok · 02/01/2022 06:26

It is hard staying with other people, even family. I feel it would be reasonable to go to bed whenever you want and if you had struggled on previous nights with noise explained it was disturbing your sleep so could sound go down a bit. If they said no I would have been fine but left next day and just explained I was tired so would be going home for decent nights sleep.

LouLou789 · 02/01/2022 06:36

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. You weren’t suggesting a vow of silence at 9pm, it was almost 2am. I agree with PPs, never to stay more than one night again and in the meantime have a chat with your mum about your dad’s changed behaviour as it does sound to me as if he has some health problems brewing.

meteoric · 02/01/2022 06:50

Am amazed at everyone saying you were in the wrong and should just wear earplugs. Wtf?

Your parents clearly don't give much of a shit about you (or other guests) if they don't let you sleep. I'd be really hurt and never ever stay over again OP. Did they not want you there?

NewBlueGoo · 02/01/2022 06:58

I don’t get the responses in this thread. Your parents sound crazy, the visit sounds horrible. You have my total sympathies. This was not your fault - the whole thing sounds like torture. Screaming and swearing when someone wants to go to bed before 2am without blaring TV noise is 100% not reasonable. Next time you visit stay in an Airbnb, or meet them out somewhere for the day. I hope you feel better soon

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2022 07:11

I had loud TV directly below me as a child. I feel for you. I have always been a very early riser. Mother would have gone ballistic at me for 5 am loud tv. I tiptoed around. If I was told I’d been heard, it was with scorn. Even putting the heating on just for me was prohibited. My not being in bed was deemed inconsiderate because that was the middle of the night apparently. Except 5am is my morning.

Television blasting past 11 pm is as inconsiderate as television blasting at 5 am. I imagine you’re asleep now. I suggest you have breakfast and leave when you wake up. Sleep is sacrosanct and I wouldn’t stay with your parents again.

GoodnightGrandma · 02/01/2022 07:13

They have their routine, and they have their ways, they don’t like that changing - it’s an age thing.
You should just have gone to bed when you wanted to.

GoodnightGrandma · 02/01/2022 07:18

You stated that you’ve struggled with the change of routine, but so have they. I say that as someone who has an elderly father. He likes things to happen at a certain time on certain days, if it doesn’t he gets angry, but he’s actually distressed as he then doesn’t know what day it is.
I’d say your dad is starting to lose some memory, and this routine is his way of coping. You won’t see it yet, but in the future you will.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2022 07:23

@NewBlueGoo

I don’t get the responses in this thread. Your parents sound crazy, the visit sounds horrible. You have my total sympathies. This was not your fault - the whole thing sounds like torture. Screaming and swearing when someone wants to go to bed before 2am without blaring TV noise is 100% not reasonable. Next time you visit stay in an Airbnb, or meet them out somewhere for the day. I hope you feel better soon
Your dps are showing no concern for their guest and l have total sympathy for you. Our 3 adult dc were home for Christmas and l tried to do everything possible to make them feel welcome . Two of them had the booster while here and were out of sorts for a day or two and we took that into account. Granted we have no crazy habits of staying up half the night so it wasn't difficult to all fit together. Do your parents suffer from insomnia as l think most parents with adult dc would be well in bed at that hour. There is no way we would have a TV blaring with any guest in the house. It's so thoughtless. Apologise for swearing but really they are very bad hosts and extremely selfish. As said already l would wonder if they are feeling OK.
Dozer · 02/01/2022 07:31

You say you had good relations until the last two years, but also mention that the noisy home when you lived there as a DC was a driver for you to leave home. That doesn’t reflect well on your parents.

You’ve now found them inconsiderate hosts and your dad said some nasty things. And that over a week visiting family is too much. Would take that into account when making plans in future.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2022 07:33

@Lucia23

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

Yabu sorry. Personally I'd have gone home when I started to get tired and periods.
Loudestcat14 · 02/01/2022 07:36

I think your parents were selfish not to turn the volume down so it wasn’t so loud. Can the neighbours hear it?? I also can’t imagine staying up every night until 3am - is alcohol a factor? Or is it just something they do in the holidays? How old are they?

Lovelymincepies · 02/01/2022 07:36

Your parents were rude, who stays in bed until the afternoon when they have guests ffs!!!

I agree with a previous poster, he needs to have a memory assessment for dementia.

rookiemere · 02/01/2022 07:37

Yes you caused the argument I'm afraid. I recommend Muffles Boots wax earplugs which are available in UK to block most noises.

I have endo as well, but as an adult it's in you to do what you need to do to stay as healthy as you can, not expect other people to adjust their way of life. You knew in advance that the trip was going to be too much for you, so use this as a life lesson for future not to force yourself into a situation that will cause you distress and pain.

ManicPixie · 02/01/2022 07:38

Whoever’s right or wrong, staying up till 3am every night is a rather odd habit. Do they have sleep issues or do they just like it that way?