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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

162 replies

Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 01:50

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 02/01/2022 11:36

If you grew up in a noisy house-have you not learned to sleep through noise? Or have they only started being noisy after you moved out?

I think you need to apologise for swearing but explain that you are very unwell. And then go home.

Imo neither and both of you are unreasonable.
I'd be curious though if there was a back story as to why your dad jumped straight to you being spoilt.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 02/01/2022 11:36

Technically they can do what they like. But if they're not going to consider that it's affecting your sleep then what a shame that you won't be agreeing to stay again for any length of time. I guess that's a risk they're willing to take.

LindaEllen · 02/01/2022 11:38

[quote Lucia23]@unvillage the irony is I now cant sleep anyway because I'm too upset.

I think i will need to suggest doing something different next time/staying elsewhere. They think I am being difficult. That I 'want my own way' like a petulant child. It causes me a lot of mental stress trying to fit into this routine. Feeling really off tonight I struggled more at being unable to do what they wanted or properly rest.

I'm also upset because my dad and I had a great relationship all our lives until about 2 years ago. He has said some horrid things, picked fights with other relatives and we have had increasing number of fights. We get on fine for a day then issues - even 4 years ago we could have a week long family trip with no problems. It makes me feel really sad.[/quote]
To be honest, to me, your post reads like that of a petulant child.

It's their house, you know what they're like. You can go to bed when you wish. I don't believe for one second that they play sound so loud that you can hear it through the floor and through ear plugs. And if you were as tired as you said, you'd have been able to sleep through it anyway.

White noise helps, too.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2022 11:39

SmithofSilver
Why is not being able to sleep through excessive noise a "sensitive soul". Not everyone can tolerate earplugs and white noise wouldn't drown out loud sudden noises from the TV.

She wasn't asking them to turn off the TV at 9pm. It was the early hours of the morning. When I am not working I would happily stay up until 1:30-2:30am but I do it in a way that doesn't disturb my family.

In my view it is poor manners to expect your guests to switch into a routine that is quite a long way outside most people's normal sleeping patterns. Common sense and compromise is the answer.

phoenixrosehere · 02/01/2022 11:47

YABU they’re adults and don’t need to be told when to go to bed!

She didn’t tell them to go to bed though.

katepilar · 02/01/2022 11:50

"LindaEllen: I don't believe for one second that they play sound so loud that you can hear it through the floor and through ear plugs. And if you were as tired as you said, you'd have been able to sleep through it anyway."

Bloody hell, it not about what you believe! I can hear music or loud conversations of people living three floors below! And no, I cant sleep through it.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 11:50

She didn’t tell them to go to bed though.

She asked them to put a short movie on and then asked them not to put another one on afterwards - she was basically telling them to go to bed.

phoenixrosehere · 02/01/2022 11:54

She asked them to put a short movie on and then asked them not to put another one on afterwards - she was basically telling them to go to bed.

There are other things people can do than watch tv in the evenings so no, she wasn’t basically telling them to go to bed.

Serendip20 · 02/01/2022 11:54

I’ve learnt my lesson that I need to put a hard limit on how long I stay with my parents. It all changes very quickly from having absolutely lovely family time to feeling like I’m 15 again and on the verge of a strop!!

That being said the relationship you’re describing with your parents sounds unhealthy in lots of ways. I would hold off any more overnight visits for the time being and look at ways you can reset the relationship. You need to look at how you can change things to make it an adult-adult dynamic, rather than parent-young child dynamic, even if that means less contact. It’s not healthy for you if they see you as a spoilt child and there must be something lingering under the surface on their side at least.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 11:59

Morning everyone.

I've woken up with a heavy period as I thought. I was struggling last night and simply asked for a bit if compromise. Looks like we have quite different ideas of who should be doing what which is interesting!

I also feel exhausted and still upset. My mum brought me a coffee this morning and we have been fine, but my dad will probably be another story.

Last year I convinced him to go to the doctor to be checked over. He said he did and was told all fine - but I dont know what actually happened or what he said. I love him but it is upsetting. A few family members have struggled with the change in his moods.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 12:00

There are other things people can do than watch tv in the evenings so no, she wasn’t basically telling them to go to bed.

They’re adults. It’s their house.
If they want to watch TV they can.

They enjoy watching TV in the evenings.
If she doesn’t like it she can stay in a hotel or go home.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 12:02

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out,

You said - when I said something about it a fight broke out.
What did you actually say about it?

phoenixrosehere · 02/01/2022 12:07

*They’re adults. It’s their house.
If they want to watch TV they can.

They enjoy watching TV in the evenings.
If she doesn’t like it she can stay in a hotel or go home.*

How was she supposed to get home on New Years Day when it is a holiday and we don’t know if she can afford to get a hotel.

Yes, it is their home and they are adults but they’re not really acting like it if they can’t accommodate their own daughter for one single night.

Doggosaurus · 02/01/2022 12:14

They enjoy watching TV in the evenings.
If she doesn’t like it she can stay in a hotel or go home.

3.30 in the morning is not the evening. If op’s parents invited their own daughter to stay with them, why should she stay in a hotel? But in the end will sadly be their loss, as op most likely will think twice before visiting her parents again.

zingally · 02/01/2022 12:17

No one should have been yelling or swearing.

You didn't have to stay up until 2/3am, and even if you couldn't sleep you could have read a book, or just lay there thinking peaceful thoughts. There's no reason why you couldn't have headed up once you were tired.

Also, your hosts should have made more of an effort to keep the noise down, certainly from about 11pm. Are they going a bit deaf? My mum has her telly louder and louder every time I visit!

At the end of the day though... it's not that big of a deal. None of you responded perfectly, and I think the lesson to be learned here is that extended over-night stays are not the best fit for any of you. There's no need to make a song and dance about it... just next time, stay 3 nights instead of 4, or 2 nights instead of 3.

I have similiar issues with staying with my mum, and I've learnt that 4 nights is now our absolute limit. By the afternoon of night 4, we're starting to nip at each other, and then we're both on best behaviour the next morning, because we know I'm leaving after lunch!

Alieninmybody · 02/01/2022 12:38

I think you need to save this thread and next time there's a visit planned have a read of it.

8 nights sounds a lot especially when you're expected to fall in with what they're doing all the time.
Do/can you do your own thing some of the time? Go for walks, visit some old friends or do some shopping?
You're not a young child anymore who has to be minded by your parents when at home and your father needs to see this.
If another relative or friend of theirs was staying how would he have reacted to them wanting an early night? I bet he would have better boundaries than he had with you.

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 13:24

3.30 in the morning is not the evening. If op’s parents invited their own daughter to stay with them, why should she stay in a hotel?

It doesn’t matter what time it is.

Usually I’m up at 5:30am so in bed by 11pm however this week I’ve been staying up until 2am and lying in in the mornings because guess why? I’m an adult and I pay the rent - so therefore I can do whatever I like regardless of the time.

It’s sad to hear that so many adults on here have a certain time when their TV has to go off.

OP could have just asked them to turn it down instead of off but if she needs to sleep somewhere where it’s silent then she needs to not sleep somewhere where she knows there will be noise.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 13:44

@Alieninmybody

I think you need to save this thread and next time there's a visit planned have a read of it.

8 nights sounds a lot especially when you're expected to fall in with what they're doing all the time.
Do/can you do your own thing some of the time? Go for walks, visit some old friends or do some shopping?
You're not a young child anymore who has to be minded by your parents when at home and your father needs to see this.
If another relative or friend of theirs was staying how would he have reacted to them wanting an early night? I bet he would have better boundaries than he had with you.

Sounds about right.

My mum has tried to play peacemaker. My dad and I havent spoken to each other at all. Alcohol has been blamed but I only had a few and was not drunk. Ite basically 'people argue, let's leave it at that.'

For me I'm almost home and will soon be able to rest and recuperate before I go back to work. It's a lesson learned for me for future christmasses.

OP posts:
Mofomo · 02/01/2022 14:28

They sound selfish, sleep trumps entertainment especially where health is involved

woodhill · 02/01/2022 14:36

They sound very selfish, yanbu OP

Nietzschethehiker · 02/01/2022 15:10

I think neither side has covered itself in glory and absolutely screaming at you is not OK.

That said you don't come off well either. My dp have very fixed routines, that they are unlikely ever to deviate from. This means two things, I don't stay with them and if I ever have to in anyway I accept those routines won't move and I work around them. As an adult I don't expect them to pander to me.

My dsis will find any possible way to be dramatic about anything and one of her tricks is to hold information back (such as reason for illness) then scream it back at you at a moment when she knows it will let her won the argument. Neither is pleasant to deal with. So again I don't stay with them.

I empathise with the mental stress staying elsewhere. However it's not anyone else's need to tiptoe around. I don't stay elsewhere because I don't like it. I don't get guilt tripped because I just say no....as an adult you hold the boundary.

It comes across that you have said yes under duress without being a grown up and holding a boundary. You can't be made to do anything like make up for last year unless you allow it. You could have said no, you could have stayed in a hotel, you could have shared you felt unwell rather than bugger about with faux politeness about being tired. Just say.

Of course he should not have screamed at you and absolutely should apologise and take responsibility but my god your consistent passivity absolutely contributed to a powder keg situation. Of course he was in the wrong but my god take some bloody control.

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 15:11

They sound very selfish, but you stayed far too long considering he has form for being difficult.

Step away.
Take an extended break from visiting.
Do not stay more than 1, maybe two nights again.
Hope you feel better soon.

Concestor · 02/01/2022 15:24

YANBU they sound selfish and rude. If you're hosting then you make sure your guests are comfortable and can sleep, especially if they are unwell.

ElectraBlue · 02/01/2022 15:42

Endometriosis is a horribly tiring condition. I had that and adenomyosis before I had a partial hysterectomy. My periods were the bane of my life and made me anaemic and tired all the time and it did affect my social life no end.

If you family members can't understand that you are struggling they are showing a complete lack of support and compassion.

Frankly they are behaving like immature teenagers...

Personally I would stay away from a home where people get angry and start screaming and swearing if I express a perfectly valid preference for an early night and fail to understand that I have a long term health condition that will sometimes require some life style adjustments.

It is their home and if this is how they want to live and behave the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation.

Have a quiet but firm word with them and say that you don't want this type of argument to ever happen again and that if you visit them, you will no longer be staying overnight. If you are faced with more shouting and swearing, you have a decision to make as to whether you want to continue interacting with them.

The point is not about ear plug or no ear plug, it is about how you are all handling conflict and a lack of support for what you are going through.

JovialNickname · 02/01/2022 15:51

If you practise with them, and if you use the right ones, earplugs can be extremely effective. I live above a pub so have room-shaking bass coming through the floor, but the right earplugs completely eliminate the sound (although not the vibration!) extremely effectively. I use the conical (green) foam earplugs from Boots, and you need to ensure you insert them correctly and fully.

Sadly you can't dictate to your hosts if and when they can use their television. Practise using earplugs properly and you can both have an enjoyable stay.