To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

[Lucia23]

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Don't any of the people who think that the OP is being unreasonable try to make guests feel welcome in their homes when they stay, or do you just do what you like and to hell with everyone else? Not great hosting really.

[quote Lucia23]@unvillage the irony is I now cant sleep anyway because I'm too upset.

I think i will need to suggest doing something different next time/staying elsewhere. They think I am being difficult. That I 'want my own way' like a petulant child. It causes me a lot of mental stress trying to fit into this routine. Feeling really off tonight I struggled more at being unable to do what they wanted or properly rest.

I'm also upset because my dad and I had a great relationship all our lives until about 2 years ago. He has said some horrid things, picked fights with other relatives and we have had increasing number of fights. We get on fine for a day then issues - even 4 years ago we could have a week long family trip with no problems. It makes me feel really sad.[/quote]
Any cognitive decline?
Was the first sign of my dads decrease in mental capacity. He got really agitates fast. Quick temper.

Op just stay elsewhere and visit.
As a fellow noise hater this would agitate me so much.
Sounds like hell.

You should have gone to the guestroom when you were tired. It's their home. You don't have to stay and watch films if you don't want to. Stay elsewhere next time for everyone's sake.

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Don't any of the people who think that the OP is being unreasonable try to make guests feel welcome in their homes when they stay, or do you just do what you like and to hell with everyone else? Not great hosting really.

Yeah very odd responses. Plus this is her parents sp she's yes a guest but also their child. My family are pretty selfish like this. I visited and was exhausted and was told relative would still need to practice their instruments... so I'd just have to try and sleep through it...after a days travel...from the other side of the world...oh and I'd miscarried on the flight over... I now avoid

@grapewine

You should have gone to the guestroom when you were tired. It's their home. You don't have to stay and watch films if you don't want to. Stay elsewhere next time for everyone's sake.

OP says the guest room was directly above the room where they were watching TV cranked up for the full cinematic experience.

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Don't any of the people who think that the OP is being unreasonable try to make guests feel welcome in their homes when they stay, or do you just do what you like and to hell with everyone else? Not great hosting really.

Agree. More sensible replies seem to have come in after 6 am. Maybe the ones replying in the night are loud TV watchers like the op's parents 🤨

Guest or resident, if someone goes to bed, you quiet down. I'd have thought that was just being a normal human! Earplugs are great but they aren't magic.

you tried to compromise
they sound antisocial.
their behaviour is very odd, like teenagers

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Don't any of the people who think that the OP is being unreasonable try to make guests feel welcome in their homes when they stay, or do you just do what you like and to hell with everyone else? Not great hosting really.

She's not really a guest though, it's a different dynamic when it's the family home.

That sounds awful. YANBU. Don't wait until the afternoon for them to wake up, leave a note and go home now. They sound very selfish and inconsiderate.

I can't imagine not wanting a guest to get a good night's sleep - especially if that guest was a daughter with health difficulties. It sounds as if their loud late night film watching is more important to them then you are. Sadly some parents are very self-centred. Look after yourself and value those who try to understand and take care of you.

@GoodnightGrandma

You stated that you’ve struggled with the change of routine, but so have they. I say that as someone who has an elderly father. He likes things to happen at a certain time on certain days, if it doesn’t he gets angry, but he’s actually distressed as he then doesn’t know what day it is. I’d say your dad is starting to lose some memory, and this routine is his way of coping. You won’t see it yet, but in the future you will.

Yeah my dad became very angry if his routine was altered and within 5 years he was very obviously showing signs of dementia which when we look back it was starting then. I used to just appease him and apologise rather than argue as it was clear something was up. Try not to blame yourself op. They sound very difficult. My dad would be up late and sleep all day as well. No concept of time. Our house as a child was very loud as he was deaf. Best thing we bought was those Bluetooth headphones for him. He could watch films late and loud and we could still hear the TV as it plays normally if you get the right type, it just is loud for them. Wish we'd done it years ago.

Oh, that sounds horrible OP.

They are very inconsiderate to have the TV so loud til 3 am and then not get up til the afternoon when they have you staying.

Lack of sleep is horrible.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, yes you could have left earlier, told them about the ending etc, but now you know, 8 days is way too long to stay with them!

Definitely go home today!

You need to go home. I go to family around the 23rd, leave 27th. More than enough for me. No one can force you to go from place to place.

Go home and stay in AirB&B or a hotel next time so you can rest. My DP default to expecting me to do anything they want, which couldn't fit with having a baby with his own schedule so after the first trip we decided to always stay elsewhere, even single nights. It turns out far more relaxing to just have our own space in the evenings and encourages meeting up for actual activities rather than sitting in front of the TV as though that's nice as a way of "spending time together".

Check in with your mum to see if there are other behaviour changes from your dad if you think his behaviour is very different than it used to be. He might also just be getting more set in his routine due to not having a variety of activities.

She's not really a guest though, it's a different dynamic when it's the family
home.

I agree it's a different dynamic when it's family @RedHelenB but l don't think it should mean not giving a damn because it's 'just' family. When my family members come to stay I want them to be comfortable.

Any time you host people or any time you are a guest, there has to be compromise on both sides. If people are not bothered about the comfort of their guests then they just shouldn't host.

OP I think all you can do is learn from this and don't stay in their house again. Stay somewhere nearby and visit in the day and if that's not possible just don't stay and tell them why. It's very rude to make a lot of noise in the night like that

I'm wondering a bit about your parents' neighbours if it's their habit to have the TV blaring out noise most of the night. Might it be worth mentioning the potential impact on them and suggesting your parents watch with earphones?

I am interested in these magic ear plugs that drown out a blaring TV. I go camping and have tried every possible type of ear plug and noise cancellation.

I wouldn’t be able to sleep under those conditions, OP.

I am surprised the neighbours don’t complain.

I still don't understand why you had to stay up watching the film with them until the wee hours.

Why couldn't you go to your room (despite the noise) and at least rest?

I'm shocked at their attitude tbh. As long as you genuinely asked them nicely and explained it's because you were ill I think they've behaved atrociously. Even if they decided no we're going to watch this 2nd film there is no need for getting angry about you asking.

I would stay in a hotel next time and just keep to day time visits.

There is no way I could deal with this, I need my sleep! I would also be slightly concerned about my parents health/lifestyle choices, it doesn't sound healthy to be up so late and then not waking until the afternoon. Do they have any hobbies/ do any exercise during the day, or does their 'day' consist of sitting on the sofa, are they drinking whilst watching the films?
Anyway you wouldn't BU at all to not stay with them under these circumstances.

If that’s their normal bedtime, then asking them to go to bed earlier is like asking you to go to bed at 8pm so I do have some sympathy for them - but obviously you need to sleep.

I think you’d have had a better chance if you’d have gone to bed yourself then asked them to turn it down.

You can whatever sympathy for the parents, but what about OP? No sympathy for her as she had to change her routine and she was in pain, still adjusting to a new diagnosis??
My parents would be very happy to change their routine for me if they know I am ill. Even if it’s just putting the volume down.

But even if it was so hard for them to change their routine FOR ONE DAY then there is no excuse in shouting at the Op the way her dad did.
WhynisnitnOK for him to do that? I mean if he was in tender hook because he had a visitor for 8 days (never mind it’s his own dd), surely he should have “panned and NOT agreed to have people over for that long?

Amazing how people think the OP should have done many things, including leaving because she has her periods but few seem to think her parents should have made some efforts, starting with not screaming at people.

@Lucia23 I’ll be honest. Seeing this is not an isolated incident and it has happened before, the fact they cannot change their way a little for you and that you are an introvert needing some time alone, I would not be staying with them more than a day or two. If any longer, I’d book a hotel instead.

[quote Lucia23]@unvillage the irony is I now cant sleep anyway because I'm too upset.

I think i will need to suggest doing something different next time/staying elsewhere. They think I am being difficult. That I 'want my own way' like a petulant child. It causes me a lot of mental stress trying to fit into this routine. Feeling really off tonight I struggled more at being unable to do what they wanted or properly rest.

I'm also upset because my dad and I had a great relationship all our lives until about 2 years ago. He has said some horrid things, picked fights with other relatives and we have had increasing number of fights. We get on fine for a day then issues - even 4 years ago we could have a week long family trip with no problems. It makes me feel really sad.[/quote]
Well you do want things your own way. You want them to go to bed when you want to and stop watching TV when you want to.

I couldn’t believe you said you stayed up with them to watch TV when you didn’t want to. When I am staying with relatives, or relative staying with me, people still go to bed when they are ready. Also if you know they are like this, then you don’t go and stay for a week.

You should try controlling what you can control and not expend energy on anything else.

I'd agree with cognitive decline.

Re guests, if they're my own children then I don't expect to be changing my habits for them. They fit in with how I run my household! Other guests I make more effort to adapt when required. However, 3am and making lots of noise is a little unreasonable although NYE etc less so. I think you have to accept that maybe once or twice is reasonable - maybe for OP's family that extends to the entire Christmas period.