To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

[Lucia23]

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

My mum has tried to play peacemaker. My dad and I havent spoken to each other at all.

You've said they know about your endo - but have you actually spelt out how unwell you feel.

There are two of you involved, and you instigated by trying to change their night and the night they've been having for the past few days.

Why have guests if you don't want them to be comfortable

You're describing a very dysfunctional household, OP. I hope you escape soon.

@katepilar

"LindaEllen: I don't believe for one second that they play sound so loud that you can hear it through the floor and through ear plugs. And if you were as tired as you said, you'd have been able to sleep through it anyway."

Bloody hell, it not about what you believe! I can hear music or loud conversations of people living three floors below! And no, I cant sleep through it.

Exactly - in my house you can hear the TV clearly in the room directly above even when it's not particularly loud due to the sound travelling up the chimney brest.

Wow thry sound very selfish, couldnt they watched it with lower volume?

@runningfromtheoutlaws after the argument they did lower the volume. But it wouldnt have happened if the argument hadn't happened.

My dad and I said a couple of sentences to each other but that's it. He didn't wave goodbye as I left so I think he has perhaps fallen out with me. We had a nice time beforehand so I'm upset still.

My mum's argument was she was a good host because of cooking etc and she did make some lovely meals. I also helped witn various things. Her reward to herself was staying up very late because its the holidays.

Fair enough but I've now realised that I need to create a new boundary. We dont have totally compatible ways of relaxing and relaxation is important for everyone during the holidays.

I suspect your parents don't see you as a guest in their home, they see you as their child. Sadly, their house their rules. You might have been better off asking them would they mind turning the tv down a bit as the noise carries into your room rather than dictating what they watch.

You have learned a lot though. You do not owe anyone Christmas visits. To keep your visits to your parents very short or stay elsewhere. You can visit relatives (if you want, you are not obliged) on your own.

There is asking someone to change routine, but the problem here is that OP's parents are terrible and unkind hosts (and probably horrific neighbours if in any sort of close or detached arrangement) if they see fit to blast the TV into the early hours. If you invite someone to stay, you make an effort to make your guest comfortable. Sleep is a basic comfort. OP, you are absolutely NBU.

I think I’m in the minority here but if I have guests, I tend to work around their schedule while they are here. We have young kids so there are limits to that but if I had guests staying (especially family) and they said they were super tired and I knew the house carried noise, I would absolutely change my routine to accommodate them. I haven’t been to my parents house for a long time and even then it’s a big house so noise doesn’t travel to bedrooms but my mother (bad as our relationship was/is/will always be) would have absolutely been mindful of me if I was overtired and shared that with her and also my sister had a long term illness and we were forever having to be aware of her and her mood and her tiredness…. Which is frustrating but 2/3am is unreasonable in itself…. Their house or not.

YANBU. They are. Go home. Don’t subject yourself to that again. Don’t apologise.

Could you stay in bed late like they do?

I suspect your parents don't see you as a guest in their home, they see you as their child
She is their child and I wouldn't feel like a guest visiting my own home.

You are wrong to swear at your father.
Cover your ears if the noise upsets you with earplugs, or you should have got back home when it started bothering you.