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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

162 replies

Lucia23 · 02/01/2022 01:50

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 02/01/2022 09:04

It sounds like the whole backstory has been missed out. Why did your relationship with them deteriorate over the last few years, what has actually happened? What was it like before? It sounds like their attitude is linked to whatever issues have been going on.

Are you young, OP? Is there a breakdown in communication here, are you expressing yourself in ways they don't like? And why did you not tell them openly you weren't feeling well and why? I'm finding this story confusing and it seems neither party is great at communication.

HTH1 · 02/01/2022 09:14

I actually think YWNBU at all.

Now that you have realised, you have two options for next time: stay in a nearby hotel (yes they may be offended but they will get over it and that must be better than this situation) and/or much shorter visit e.g. two days, one night.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 02/01/2022 09:14

@oviraptor21 if they're my own children then I don't expect to be changing my habits for them. They fit in with how I run my household!
As long as you're happy that your children may at some point decide to only stay elsewhere instead of staying with you again, that's great. If you want them to stay though, then you might have to accept that they will have preferences like all other adults do.

Longdistance · 02/01/2022 09:16

@Lucia23 I hope you are getting some rest. I’d say leave and go home once you’re awake and rested. No point hanging around.
You really should have gone to bed at 11.30 before the next film. Yes, it would’ve been noisy, but at least you could lay down, you may have fallen asleep at some point.

babouchette · 02/01/2022 09:20

I find it quite weird and inconsiderate of them to be insisting on keeping those hours, making a racket, then being hostile about it - they sound like a pair of teenagers.

Lesson learnt, you won't be staying with them again!

Franklyfrost · 02/01/2022 09:22

I’d never keep my guests awake until the small hours against their wishes. Sleep is a really basic human need. It’s a shame you fought but you weren’t being unreasonable to expect a little consideration.

rookiemere · 02/01/2022 09:22

If we're going down the route of OP being a guest, most guests don't ask their hosts to change their living patterns and most guests don't outstay their welcome.

Look I get it, I can't cope with lack of sleep either and suffered from horrendous endometriosis ( now thankfully pain free due to ongoing cerazette) but to me OP is asking the wrong question. It doesn't really matter who was in the wrong for having the argument, the outcome is the same. OP needs to cut short her visits and/or invest in the best earplugs and possibly sleeping tablets ( Sleepeze from Boots are good ) for any future stays.

Calmdown14 · 02/01/2022 09:29

Are your parents big drinkers? This is an unusual way to live.
My dad is a night owl, doesn't need a lot of sleep and will often stay up til 1am but he'd also be up at a decent time in the morning.
Night times aside, I think it's pretty poor to have guests and lay in til late afternoon. It must be nearly dark again by the time they get up so no time to go out and do anything.
If you'd posted about a teenager living this way all the responses would be telling you this is an unhealthy way to live

Frogsonglue · 02/01/2022 09:29

I'm always amazed on Mumsnet at how horrible so many people are to their adult children. OP of course you're NBU. You're tired, you're ill, your parents should be cherishing your visit and wanting to make it nice for you, not acting like selfish twats and behaving in a way they know is making you uncomfortable.

Staying up all night watching TV then sleeping all day is pathetic, IMO, once you're past the age of about 19 anyway, and especially so when you've got guests staying!

I fell sad for you OP and if I were you, I wouldn't be rushing back to stay with them sadly. It doesn't sound like they've made you feel welcome at all.

maddening · 02/01/2022 09:30

I'm future when you visit I would stay in a hotel if you can, you and your parents are very different people and not compatible living together, it avoids ruining your relationship over that incompatibility.

zoemum2006 · 02/01/2022 09:32

Who on earth plays their tv loudly after their guests have gone to bed? So unbelievably inconsiderate.

I wouldn’t stay with them again. Just visit them for the afternoon (seriously who sleeps until the afternoon? Are they teenagers?) and then leave when you feel tired.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/01/2022 09:39

I would find that intolerable too. Ive got endo and I get so tired around my period.

Devilmakes3 · 02/01/2022 09:39

I’d go stark raving batshit in the context you are describing OP but there is no way I would stay with anyone else in their house for 8 days anymore. Those kind of stays are for characters on Christmas movies on the TV not real human beings with real limits and emotions. Know your limits and always have a get out from challenging people especially daily who know all the buttons to push.

I can actually see your Dad’s point in how irked he might be by you setting down rules about what adults can watch in their home but his reactions were way OTT. I can see why you’d be feeling aggrieved in the circumstances you are describing routine al out of whack loud noise while you are trying to sleep. Short visits are really the only solution to keep the family love alive.

Ohdofuckofdear · 02/01/2022 09:42

Nothing like a loving family is there OP and they were in no way being loving!

My BF has endo and it's a fucking horrible condition to have to live with.

I hope yours isn't to bad this month and that your parents offer a massive appology, I can't believe your Dad thought it was ok to swear at youShock I have 5DC,3 of them are now adults and can be bloody hard work at times but I never swear at them and you weren't in the wrong your parents were though.

Theunamedcat · 02/01/2022 09:45

Missing the point here but I would hate to be their neighbours

Ohdofuckofdear · 02/01/2022 09:46

Sorry I thought you'd said they swore at you yeah not great swearing at your Dad and you need to apologize for that but I do understand loosing it when your Ill and exhausted,the next time your visiting I'd look at staying somewhere local for all of your sakes.

rookiemere · 02/01/2022 09:50

@Calmdown14 the difference between teenagers and the OPs DPs is that presumably they are financially self sufficient and despite their odd sleeping habits have enough money to pay the mortgage and their bills.

I agree with others though - if it's a new thing, it could be cognitive decline. Or maybe DF just wants to do his own thing in his own house.

BourbonBiscuits20 · 02/01/2022 09:52

It would be interesting if the shoe was on the other foot ie if parents were staying at OPs house would they accommodate to OPs schedule/way of doing things or still expect to stay up late watching films. IME sometimes parents struggle with the change of when DC are grown they don't get to dictate how things will be done as they were used to it being that way when DC were young.

mumofEandE · 02/01/2022 09:55

'Short & sweet' visits from now on - especially as you have health issues that may make staying in other people's houses more uncomfortable (sensitive to sound).
I agree with thinking something went on with your dad 2 years ago ?

IamGusFring · 02/01/2022 09:59

[quote Lucia23]@Changethetoner I might have been ok if it wasnt for the endo symptoms starting. I was only diagnosed this year and I still struggle with it a lot. And my parents know I have it but dont seem to understand really.

I would have thought compromise would have been possible when I was staying but obviously it is more expected that I should fall into their line with their habits. I'm only going to be able to do very short visits in future I think.[/quote]
TBH short visits are the best when you are an adult .

Poppydot3 · 02/01/2022 10:04

I feel for you. You are their daughter! I would have thought as you were visiting, that they would have been more than happy to put you first! Getting up in the afternoon is disgusting behaviour when you’ve come to stay. If I had been you, I would have felt that my parents didn’t care about spending time with me at all. Let’s face it, It wouldn't have hurt them to do things differently whilst you were staying.
Honestly, some parents ......

MadAntonia · 02/01/2022 10:07

I would never treat a guest in my house so rudely, especially if they were family members.

You told them that you were tired, and asked them - politely - if they could choose a shorter film, which they agreed to do.

They broke their word.

Then, your father screamed at you.

Being related to someone doesn't give them the right to bully and intimidate you.

Plus, they have form for ganging up on you. So, this is part of a pattern of behaviour.

YANBU.

StEval · 02/01/2022 10:08

@PurplePansy05

It sounds like the whole backstory has been missed out. Why did your relationship with them deteriorate over the last few years, what has actually happened? What was it like before? It sounds like their attitude is linked to whatever issues have been going on.

Are you young, OP? Is there a breakdown in communication here, are you expressing yourself in ways they don't like? And why did you not tell them openly you weren't feeling well and why? I'm finding this story confusing and it seems neither party is great at communication.

I agree with this. I would suggest keeping future visits short. " you couldnt get out of it" Yes you just state what you are going to do. It reads to me that your DP dont consider your needs, that in the past you have been compliant but if you state your needs your DF screams at you. Spoilt? For wanting to sleep, I dont think so! Depriving others of sleep is very aggressive and it is designed to make you easyto manipulate. There must be more to this.
gertie445 · 02/01/2022 10:14

IF you visit again, book a hotel, likewise if they visit you. You have very different sleep schedules and there's no middle ground.

Selfish behaviour from your parents. I hope you have left now.

RockinHorseShit · 02/01/2022 10:15

Your DPs are rude & uncaring, inflexible & stuck in their ways.

Our spare room is next to DDs room. DD can be a night owl, but even she as a teen wouldn't dream of playing TV or music loud enough to disturb any guests.

My DF is this way too, complains at what I do, complains at what I don't do. Has zero understanding or tolerance for my not insignificant health problems. I can't watch his tv as the angle of his chairs & sofa give me neck pain, but reading on my iPad is me being rude apparently 😏. Going to be at a reasonable time is my being lazy, as is getting up late & he can & does kick me out if I speak up & complain.

Don't stay with them again. I won't, it's just not worth the stress on you, when they obviously don't give a shit for your well-being