To think this family argument wasnt my fault - am I wrong?

[Lucia23]

I've been spending time with family for over a week in different parts of the country, full days every day - couldnt get out of it as it was seen as making up for last year. And of course I wanted to see people.

As someone who is quite introverted I started to struggle a bit a few days ago. This has been made worse by the fact I have endometriosis and my period is due. I've been feeling bone tired.

My parents have been staying up til 2/3am every day and getting up in the afternoon. The issue is they watch loud tv all night and the house is very small. Tonight they were preparing to do the same again as they choose a 3 hour film at 11.30am. I politely asked if they mind choosing a shorter film tonight as I'm feeling very tired. I can feel the endo symptoms starting and just feeling very 'off' emotionally as well.

They weren't happy but said ok. When it ended at 1.30 they put on another film. When I said something about it a fight broke out, my dad screamed at me to go to bed and I swore back. They said I had 'got my own way already' & I was being spoiled and that was all it was about.

I'm an adult and really sad that this is their opinion of me. I'm going to make the journey home tomorrow. On the one hand yes it's their house but on the other I'm a guest that doesnt visit often and am not feeling well - AIBU here?

They were being selfish not to turn the TV down. Very weird hours as well. I couldn’t stay somewhere like that. Would a solution not be lower volume for them and ear plugs for you?

I don't think it's possible to change people's habits. My parents were like this. They would eat dinner ay 7pm, then nap on the sofa until 10pm, then come alive and want to start drinking and start their evening. Often didn't go to bed until 6am. It was very hard. I'd limit any future visits, or get an air bnb next time.

They were being selfish not to turn the TV down. Very weird hours as well

I think when people retire, all routine goes out the window.

I think it’s very inconsiderate of them. Stay elsewhere when you next visit.

It seems when it comes to adult children, they’re usually expected to accommodate their parents but when it’s the other way around, parents aren’t expected to do the same. If it was them who needed quiet and you were being loud I bet those saying yabu would be telling you you should have been quiet because they’re your parents.

I agree it is their home but you asked them for one night, one single night and they couldn’t accommodate you for what about 6-8 hours knowing your health issues.

Don't stay there. People get they like their own space, especially as they get older. Not worth the aggro and it's clear you are on different timezones.

I think your dad was unnecessary rude to you. It is their house, but still if they want you as a guest they need to be a bit more considerate and turn the sound down, in the middle of the night. I have adult children and that’s what I would have done at least. Don’t think too much about it, and next time tell them you don’t feel so well.

YANBU OP.

We have a family member staying. They usually go to sleep earlier than we do. At 10:30pm the family member was falling asleep. I went and got them their bedding as they are sleeping in the livingroom and my husband and I relocated to another room and left them to go to bed. Husband watched TV on his laptop with headphones and I read my book. Quite happily.

I think your parents were being unreasonable. If I were you I probably wouldn’t stay there again… but I am also another poster wondering if your dad is having trouble with his memory if his behaviour has changed dramatically in the past two years?

Your parents are behaving like selfish, inconsiderate teenagers. Is their mental health okay?

Bloody hell, I can't believe some of the responses.

To me, it's obviously completely unreasonable and horrible hosting to stay up blasting out TV directly under their room after they've gone to bed.

There's nothing unreasonable in expecting to have to alter your habits a bit when you are having guests. Whenever I have had people to stay they have to sleep in the living room, so necessarily I have to adjust my evening according to their comfort and when they want to go to bed I've gone up earlier than I otherwise would have. Is that not common courtesy?

Imo it's completely unreasonable and utterly selfish to expect to NOT have to alter your routine at all to accommodate a guest.

I don't think you should stay over again, and tbh given their habits they should not be inviting guests unless they give a warning beforehand that they will not alter their nighttime TV viewing habits or even turn down the volume.

So everything was fine until about 2 years ago, when Covid really first began. Perhaps your DF is struggling and this is his outlet?

I don’t have endo but a condition that causes bone pain and crippling fatigue so I know where you’re coming from.
Can you go home today?

So a couple of things stand out to me and I wanted ask, are you an introvert because you’ve grown up with two rather unreasonable and selfish parents and expect all people to take from and drain you? The kind of parents who taught you their boundaries are sacrosanct but yours are nonexistent and your job is to please them, and by extension everyone else before yourself? That kind of upbringing can have knock on effect on the body and create health issues… sorry to give an armchair diagnosis, but have a look at the stately homes thread and this year work on prioritising yourself and embracing healthy boundaries. You do deserve it.

Just go home.

I am another one bemused by some of the answers on this thread. Of course the parents were unreasonable. When you have someone else staying with you even family, you adapt your routine for a couple of days. If I lived alone and didn't have to work I'd be much more of a night owl but I wouldn't try to impose that on anyone else.

@Lucia23 I hope you have managed to start your journey home.

All very upsetting and you had some very hostile responses in the night.

The TV was god in our house - turned up very loud as Dad was half deaf - asked to switch it off during dinner he got very angry, no one could offer an opinion on what would be watched except Dad. We stayed with them for 2 nights max - any longer just caused tension. I personally feel you outstayed your whole visit. You needed some time alone and you didn't get it - no one was happy. Think a bit more about what you can cope with next year and then do less.

@PGSTesting123

You were in the wrong. Wear ear plugs.

All you people who say "Just wear earplugs" - that just doesnt work!

At least not for all the people. I hope it works for all those who suggested it. The standard plugs mute backround noise which make you hear a TV even more.

OP, I really feel sorry for you. I have learned the hard way that people just dont understand. Its very unsettling when your own parents dont understand that you need to sleep. Especially after midnight! You have the very right to be upset! I'd also go home if I couldnt sleep for so long and especially for this stupid reason. I find that when I am older it really upsets the whole sleep pattern and makes me grumpy and everything is just so hard during the day when the sleep is disturbed. Hope you can catch up and feel better soon!!

I have just seen ads for some expensive special plugs that might work differently. I am thinking of trying them. One of them are called Loops and the other one's name I dont remember.

PS. Your post made me create an account on MN again because I had to reply to you.

It doesn’t sound like any fun for you. We are all creatures of habit and sometimes visits just don’t go as we would like them to. I would thank them for having me and pack my things up and go home. There’s no reason for you to stay longer if it’s not working.

@littlejalapeno

So a couple of things stand out to me and I wanted ask, are you an introvert because you’ve grown up with two rather unreasonable and selfish parents and expect all people to take from and drain you? The kind of parents who taught you their boundaries are sacrosanct but yours are nonexistent and your job is to please them, and by extension everyone else before yourself? That kind of upbringing can have knock on effect on the body and create health issues… sorry to give an armchair diagnosis, but have a look at the stately homes thread and this year work on prioritising yourself and embracing healthy boundaries. You do deserve it.

Thats what I have been wondering for myself. I am sure I am very much shaped by the family dynamics and wonder what I would have become if my family were different. I dont seem to be able to detach enough.

It's Xmas/new year they probs wouldn't sit up and do that normally give them a break!!! You are being v u

It wouldn't have been at all unreasonable to ask for this due to your not feeling well. However, since you didn't say that you weren't feeling well, it is understandable that your family may have thought that you were just making a fuss about something that was really a whim. It would be better to be much clearer about your needs. And not to swear!

I spend a max of 48 hours with my parents. Any longer is too long. I'd just keep my visits short and sweet if I were you.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I am another one bemused by some of the answers on this thread. Of course the parents were unreasonable. When you have someone else staying with you even family, you adapt your routine for a couple of days. If I lived alone and didn't have to work I'd be much more of a night owl but I wouldn't try to impose that on anyone else.

I don't know I mean when I go stay at a friends/with family I expect my routine to adapt to theirs. The OP could have just gone to bed and if she knows that she is such a sensitive soul and can't sleep with noise then she should have prepared for it with earplugs/white noise/noise-canceling headphones etc.

I would never, ever visit someone, even family and demand that they change in their own home for me, it is rude. I wouldn't have acted like the parents have in the situation but I wouldn't haven't done as the OP has either. You were both being unreasonable imo.

YABU they’re adults and don’t need to be told when to go to bed!

Why not just ask them to turn it down instead of telling them what time they can watch it til? Then get some earplugs as well.

If you don’t like it then just go home.