Having a baby your husband doesn't won't

[PullItUp]

Has anyone been through this?

Pregnant with a baby that wasn't planned that your husband doesn't want but you do? What do you do?

Both didnt make good decisions here tbh..
And your marriage might break over it. Not sure if I would wanna put my kid through it ..

So you have both been having unprotected sex?

That was meant to say This isn't Gilead, not Giles's, in my recent post!

"But he always said he absolutely categorically was done with children after that as he had 3 and didn't want anymore.

I have been struggling with hormonal contraception so have been swapping and changing a few things lately so not actually been on anything for a little bit (which he knew)."

So he was 'categorical' but still made you the person taking responsibility for contraception? Not. Good. Enough. If he 'categorically' didn't want more children he should have had the snip. Or, I believe there's these things called 'condoms' that are available. But no, he lets you mess your body around with hormones. Anything rather than take responsibility for his 'categorical' decision.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for his having taken no steps whatsoever to prevent conception.

What precautions was HE taking to prevent pregnancy - assuming he hasn’t suddenly decided post-conception that he doesn’t want another child and this was actually a planned pregnancy that he’s ‘changed his mind’

So he already has 3 children, doesn’t want more but hasn’t had a vasectomy ???
I am fed up with men like this. If they know for sure they do not want more kids they need to take responsibility for that and get the snip.
He is an adult. He knows that every form of contraception has failures.
His failure to act has put you in this situation.

Why so many posters feeling so desperately sorry for this ‘poor’ man?! If he desperately didn’t want another child he could have taken steps to ensure that. As is his right. Or did he just expect the OP to be the one to sort contraception as the woman?

If he was 100% sure he didn't want any more children then he should have booked himself in for a vasectomy or abstained from PIV sex.

Just last week there was a thread where the ops husband didn't want anymore children, had taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. The OP was outraged he'd "taken the choice away from her" and more than half the posters agreed with the op, saying they'd leave their partners if they did this. So looks like it doesn't matter what a man does he will always be wrong.

Often I feel bad for the man on these threads, especially when relationships are recent and I get the impression the pregnancy may not be truly accidental. Maybe there's an element of this here but it can be terrifying having the financial responsibility for multiple children so I do understand why your DH may have wanted to stop at 3. However, if you always wanted more than one child and it's only because of your DH already having 2 before you met that you agreed to stop at one then I think if you terminate you will probably always regret it and your relationship won't survive it. You haven't said the reason for your DH only wanting 3 children, is it financial, time, age?

@ThymeTravel

Really?

If a woman becomes pregnant and lied about being on contraception that is a fact that means she loses the right to make the decision whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy?

So you are saying she would be taken against her will to a clinic and have a forced abortion?

That is your view?

Crikey. That's rather disturbing.

Happened to me 2 previous DC fertility treatment. Total surprise DC3 He was adamant marriage wouldn't survive.
Heard heartbeat and decided risk worth taking

He was right it we didn't make it but not because of DC3 but because he was an arse. 19 years later I'm happy with my choice ☺

Just last week there was a thread where the ops husband didn't want anymore children, had taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. The OP was outraged he'd "taken the choice away from her" and more than half the posters agreed with the op, saying they'd leave their partners if they did this. So looks like it doesn't matter what a man does he will always be wrong.

Yet another complete misrepresentation of that thread to suit an agenda. People commenting on the thread were generally not critical of the husband’s choice to have a vasectomy. People were critical of the fact he had a vasectomy in secret after having previously discussed the potential for further children.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@ThymeTravel

Someone asked you:

Give me one single fact that would remove the right to make the decision from the woman.

And you answered:

One single fact (not relates to this thread) would be if the woman lied about being on contraception.

So you think that if a woman lied about being on contraception, that would "remove the right to make the decision from the woman."

Blimey.

If a hypothetical woman lied to her husband about contraception and got pregnant on purpose I would absolutely think she was incredibly selfish.

I wouldn't think it would remove her right to make a decision about her pregnancy. This isn't Giles's.[/quote]
So it's OK to remove the rights from the man, but not the woman? You can't have it both ways. It's about equally.

It affects both parties.

[quote IncompleteSenten]@ThymeTravel

Really?

If a woman becomes pregnant and lied about being on contraception that is a fact that means she loses the right to make the decision whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy?

So you are saying she would be taken against her will to a clinic and have a forced abortion?

That is your view?

Crikey. That's rather disturbing.[/quote]
That's a strongman argument. I'm arguing that men have a right to say whether or not a pregnancy should be continued, morally, not legally.

If a man lies about wearing a condom it's considered rape in some places. Yet, if a woman lies about contraception and falls pregnant the man has no rights.

How is that fair? I find your views highly disturbing, as you're implying that men have no rights in these scenarios. It's disgusting.

Don't agree @ThymeTravel once a woman is pregnant the only rights between the baby and the mother, is the mother's.

The father has the right to leave the relationship though.

@ThymeTravel

So it's OK to remove the rights from the man, but not the woman? You can't have it both ways. It's about equally.

You can't have absolute equality when two parties cannot experience the same thing.

If men could carry babies then they would get the 'deciding vote', for want of a better phrase, on the baby they were carrying in their body. Rightly so.

Men do not have the "right" to decide if a woman carries and delivers a baby.

Women do have the "right" to decide whether or not they want to carry and deliver a baby with their own body.

I'm gobsmacked that instead of acknowledging that it's offensive to suggest women shouldn't have the final say as individuals when it comes to pregnancy, you've doubled down.

If you genuinely think that when it comes to a baby being carried and born, men and women get an EQUAL vote when one of them will be doing the carrying and birthing while the other doesn't, then I honestly don't think you could describe yourself as having feminist values.

Because an "equal" vote simply means men having autonomy over their own body AND that of women. And because there is no equivalent (you can't force a man to be pregnant) the same would never be true if the sexes were reversed.

If a man lies about wearing a condom it's considered rape in some places. Yet, if a woman lies about contraception and falls pregnant the man has no rights.
How is that fair? I find your views highly disturbing, as you're implying that men have no rights in these scenarios. It's disgusting.
So what rights would you give men? Many is pregnant, she told Steve was in the pill. She wasn't. She's pregnant. She wants it. He doesn't. What rights should Steve have beyond a right to an opinion?

@SleepingStandingUp

If a man lies about wearing a condom it's considered rape in some places. Yet, if a woman lies about contraception and falls pregnant the man has no rights. How is that fair? I find your views highly disturbing, as you're implying that men have no rights in these scenarios. It's disgusting. So what rights would you give men? Many is pregnant, she told Steve was in the pill. She wasn't. She's pregnant. She wants it. He doesn't. What rights should Steve have beyond a right to an opinion?

Morally? Equal say in the matter, and the woman should respect that.

@DeepaBeesKit Don't feel bad for the DH - he's the one who chose to risk having another child by not having a vasectomy. It's his business, tough sh*t I say. Look after the child or pay for the upkeep. 🤷🏽‍♀️

@sst1234 I think OP has said she's pregnant. She hasn't tricked him - also he has 3 other children so he knows how sex works and the potential outcomes 🤦🏾‍♀️

TOO MANY (presumably) women on here feeling sorry for a man who:

1.) is a grown adult who knows how sex works
2.) could have chosen a vasectomy if he really didn't want any more children
3.) is making OP feel bad about something they both did together

OP - the decision is yours and yours alone. I really hope he comes around to the idea but for me personally, I'd do as many PPs say and keep the baby not the guy

@ThymeTravel

You say 'morally?' so let's say for arguments sake you could literally make laws.

You would therefore make a law that reflected what you believed to be morally right - that Steve gets an equal say in whether or not Mary continues the pregnancy, because she lied about being on the pill?

Would you really make that the legal precedent?

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@ThymeTravel

So it's OK to remove the rights from the man, but not the woman? You can't have it both ways. It's about equally.

You can't have absolute equality when two parties cannot experience the same thing.

If men could carry babies then they would get the 'deciding vote', for want of a better phrase, on the baby they were carrying in their body. Rightly so.

Men do not have the "right" to decide if a woman carries and delivers a baby.

Women do have the "right" to decide whether or not they want to carry and deliver a baby with their own body.

I'm gobsmacked that instead of acknowledging that it's offensive to suggest women shouldn't have the final say as individuals when it comes to pregnancy, you've doubled down.

If you genuinely think that when it comes to a baby being carried and born, men and women get an EQUAL vote when one of them will be doing the carrying and birthing while the other doesn't, then I honestly don't think you could describe yourself as having feminist values.

Because an "equal" vote simply means men having autonomy over their own body AND that of women. And because there is no equivalent (you can't force a man to be pregnant) the same would never be true if the sexes were reversed. [/quote]
Let's say that a man was trying to be safe and wore condoms. Behind the scenes his DP/DW is poking holes in the condoms.

She gets pregnant. The man doesn't want it but she does.

Are you saying that the woman ultimately gets to decide to bring his child into the world against his will after what she done?

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@ThymeTravel

You say 'morally?' so let's say for arguments sake you could literally make laws.

You would therefore make a law that reflected what you believed to be morally right - that Steve gets an equal say in whether or not Mary continues the pregnancy, because she lied about being on the pill?

Would you really make that the legal precedent? [/quote]
No, which is why I specifically that he should have a say morally, not legally 🙄

*specified

@ThymeTravel That's a strongman argument. I'm arguing that men have a right to say whether or not a pregnancy should be continued, morally, not legally.

Men might have a right to a say, in whether the pregnancy should be continued, but not the final say. As it is not his body, doesn't affect his body, and doesn't involve him. They can have 'a' say, but not "the" say.

But if you could make laws @ThymeTravel why wouldn't you make them align with what you genuinely believe to be morally right?

Or is it the case that you do in fact know it would be wrong to give men an equal say over a pregnancy being continued or not?

I don't understand your assertion it should be equal coupled with you saying you wouldn't make that the legal state of play.

Are you saying that the woman ultimately gets to decide to bring his child into the world against his will after what she done?

I would think she was incredibly selfish and I would feel absolutely terrible for the man who had his trust betrayed. My sympathy would be entirely with him but despite that I could never and will never sanction the idea that once a woman is pregnant, a man has the right to compel that woman to abort.

It is too much of a slippery slope when it comes to the bodily autonomy of women.

@ThymeTravel 'Let's say that a man was trying to be safe and wore condoms. Behind the scenes his DP/DW is poking holes in the condoms.

She gets pregnant. The man doesn't want it but she does.

Are you saying that the woman ultimately gets to decide to bring his child into the world against his will after what she done?'

Yep, they get no say at all. Because they can walk away with no physical damage. Women cannot. Women either go through the damage (emotional and sometimes physical) of abortion or the damage and potential fatality of childbirth. Men get no say. Nor should they ever. The only final say they should get re a woman's pregnancy is having a vasectomy to ensure they don't have kids if they don't want them!

[quote GalacticGoddess]@ThymeTravel 'Let's say that a man was trying to be safe and wore condoms. Behind the scenes his DP/DW is poking holes in the condoms.

She gets pregnant. The man doesn't want it but she does.

Are you saying that the woman ultimately gets to decide to bring his child into the world against his will after what she done?'

Yep, they get no say at all. Because they can walk away with no physical damage. Women cannot. Women either go through the damage (emotional and sometimes physical) of abortion or the damage and potential fatality of childbirth. Men get no say. Nor should they ever. The only final say they should get re a woman's pregnancy is having a vasectomy to ensure they don't have kids if they don't want them! [/quote]
On a further note, you might well feel sorry for the man but ultimately, he still has no say in what the woman does with her body.