Having a baby your husband doesn't won't

[PullItUp]

Has anyone been through this?

Pregnant with a baby that wasn't planned that your husband doesn't want but you do? What do you do?

So he knowingly had unprotected sex with you but is now shocked and upset it's resulted in pregnancy?

He sounds like an idiot tbh.

@IncompleteSenten

Hmmm

Your body your choice groupies.

So - if a woman is not in control of her body? If the decision about an existing pregnancy is not hers and hers alone? What then? A committee? Every woman is allocated a team to decide whether she will be proceeding with a pregnancy or not?

Or maybe it's the father's choice? She can be forced to have an abortion she doesn't want on her partner's orders. He can ring the police. My woman is carrying my child. I don't want to proceed. The police come get her, take her to a clinic and she is held down while an abortion is performed on her.

And I assume she should also be forced to give birth to a child she doesn't want if the father wants the baby.

Forced birth centres perhaps? Father goes to the police and notifies them that a woman is having an abortion without his consent. They can send a van round, arrest her, take her to a secure unit and hold her there until she delivers.

Or maybe they can play rock, paper, scissors to decide whose choice it is.

🙄 Ffs

Quite. I was unsettled by that poster’s wording “your body, your choice groupies”, too. It’s fucking frightening when you think of what the alternative they’re presumably suggesting would be.

If he was 100% sure he didn't want any more children then he should have booked himself in for a vasectomy or abstained from PIV sex.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy OP

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So he knowingly had unprotected sex with you but is now shocked and upset it's resulted in pregnancy?

He sounds like an idiot tbh.

Exactly what I thought, especially considering it would be his 4th child 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would keep the baby.

Jesu, some of the responses on this thread

"Leave him and keep the baby"
"Do what's right for you, not him"

Yes, fair enough, it's the woman's body and ultimately she has to make the decision in the end and live with the consequences, but the mans feelings matter too in these situations! Not to mention that he also has to live with the consequences.

Maybe seek some couples counselling to talk it out? Please don't listen to some of these toxic responses, they're hideous

Your feelings are very important, but so are your husbands

@ThymeTravel

Jesu, some of the responses on this thread

"Leave him and keep the baby"
"Do what's right for you, not him"

Yes, fair enough, it's the woman's body and ultimately she has to make the decision in the end and live with the consequences, but the mans feelings matter too in these situations! Not to mention that he also has to live with the consequences.

Maybe seek some couples counselling to talk it out? Please don't listen to some of these toxic responses, they're hideous

Your feelings are very important, but so are your husbands

Her husband really doesn't want to have more children, she would be more open to it. In such situation I'd definitely expect him to take care of birth control. He hasn't, left it on her, and when she temporarily hasn't covered that, he knowingly had unprotected sex.

She is pregnant now and is evaluating not only this foetus but also her number of children in general.
He did literally nothing to care about his interests, feelings or consequences.
Why should she pay more attention to his feelings than he does himself?

Team your choice.

@ThymeTravel - I'm interested to know what compromise you think they could come to here?

What are you advocating for?

@ThymeTravel

Jesu, some of the responses on this thread

"Leave him and keep the baby"
"Do what's right for you, not him"

Yes, fair enough, it's the woman's body and ultimately she has to make the decision in the end and live with the consequences, but the mans feelings matter too in these situations! Not to mention that he also has to live with the consequences.

Maybe seek some couples counselling to talk it out? Please don't listen to some of these toxic responses, they're hideous

Your feelings are very important, but so are your husbands

His feelings are important ... but not enough to take steps of his own to ensure there was not unwanted pregnancy with his sperm. Condoms are widely available. As are vasectomies.

He made the decision to not avail himself of these options KNOWING his wife was struggling with hormonal options while still wanting sex.

His decision has been made; he chose to live with the potential of having another baby, whether he wanted one or not.

She now gets to decide whether or not she's having the baby.

[quote GroggyLegs]@ThymeTravel - I'm interested to know what compromise you think they could come to here?

What are you advocating for?[/quote]
I'm not advocating for either, as I'm not involved in their relationship. I'm very much on both sides.

Both sides matter. "Sod your husband, don't consider his feelings, and do as you please" shouldn't be an option. Yes, it's an awful situation, but both sides matter regardless.

People jumped on the bandwagon of "Do what's best for you, not him" before even knowing the full facts regarding contraception.

Definitely no sympathy for your DH now we know that he knew there was no birth control.

He knew the risks, so he has to be responsible for the outcome. And he can't expect you to terminate the pregnancy. As many others have said. It's your body.

It's his choice if he leaves because of it. But I think he would be unreasonable considering that he knew full well about the lack of birth control.

But surely they both took the risk knowingly?

@diddl

But surely they both took the risk knowingly?

They did. But only one gets to choose if they keep the baby or not.

Of course it has to be the woman's choice. But in making that choice, the woman needs to take into consideration other factors than simply wanting the baby.

Her DH's feelings are extremely relevant. It sounds as if it was agreed that they should have only one dc together. That may have been a compromise on his part, since he already had dcs from a previous relationship.

He doesn't want another baby. Op has to consider how it will affect their relationship. He may find it impossible to accept the child, leading to marriage breakdown with life-changing emotional and financial problems for all involved, including the step-children and new baby.

No point in the blame game, talk of vasectomies, shoulda/woulda/coulda. It's done now. Op has the right to choose, but also the responsibility to own the consequences of her choice.

"People jumped on the bandwagon of "Do what's best for you, not him" before even knowing the full facts regarding contraception."

Interesting.

What "facts" would alter whose decision it is?

Give me one single fact that would remove the right to make the decision from the woman.

Because the opposite of "do what's best for you not him" is
"Do what's best for him not you"

Which brings us right back round to her body her choice v man decides forced abortion or forced birth.

Well, unless we're going to go with a Soloman solution and she can have half a baby. That's always an option I guess.

Would you recommend top/bottom or a split right down the middle?

But he always said he absolutely categorically was done with children after that as he had 3 and didn't want anymore.

Then why doesn't he have a vasectomy then??? He can't be too worried about having another child if he (and he is the one that causes the pregnancy) won't take the permanent solution. Especially as you're not getting on with hormonal contraception. He's got a cheek to be upset or 'not want' it. He should have had a vasectomy so it's his own fault. You've done your bit. Birthed his children. Took hormones and contraception. Time for him to step up. Tell him unless he has a vasectomy then he needs to accept the risk you will become pregnant again even after this one. I can't be doing with men who won't take responsibility. It's his sperm. It's his responsibility to have a vasectomy or use condoms and accept the risk with that.

Both sides matter. "Sod your husband, don't consider his feelings, and do as you please" shouldn't be an option.

@Thymeout I imagine having a termination of a wanted baby has to be one of the most distressing things a woman could experience, especially if it's due to her husband.

I think it's kind of unthinkable it would be so awful and distressing. I mean, it's not unthinkable but it's pretty dreadful.

I don't think it's something that can be compromised on- killing a potential child which she wants.

Women can do it but it doesn't tend to make them happy.

Other abortions might be a bit less devastating (if the baby is unwanted, or the financial circumstances aren't right) but this particular situation is a particularly grim one in which to lose a wanted child.

I really think the person's feelings towards their husband wouldn't be the same.

This happened to my friend. Her husband even made her promise to visit an abortion clinic which she did but it just strengthened her resolve to continue. They already had two children so stayed together but it took 5 years for their relationship to recover.

@gofg

Why do men who do not want children not take some bloody personal responsibility and get a vasectomy.

They probably want to avoid the "I want a baby but my DP had a vasectomy - what will I do?" threads on MN. The answers of course would be "how dare he, it's your right to have a baby, LTB".

Honestly, men really can't win. There are a large number of women on MN who seem to see them as little more than sperm donors, while women have "rights".

Men don’t have a right to a relationship with a woman. Of course a woman can leave her partner if she wants children (or more children) and he doesn’t. Sometimes people are incompatible. That’s life. The fact remains that a man who doesn’t want children needs to be honest about that and needs to take responsibility for his fertility.

@IncompleteSenten

"People jumped on the bandwagon of "Do what's best for you, not him" before even knowing the full facts regarding contraception."

Interesting.

What "facts" would alter whose decision it is?

Give me one single fact that would remove the right to make the decision from the woman.

One single fact (not relates to this thread) would be if the woman lied about being on contraception.

@IncompleteSenten

Because the opposite of "do what's best for you not him" is "Do what's best for him not you"

Which brings us right back round to her body her choice v man decides forced abortion or forced birth.

Well, unless we're going to go with a Soloman solution and she can have half a baby. That's always an option I guess.

Would you recommend top/bottom or a split right down the middle?

Right down the middle, of course

@me4real

Both sides matter. "Sod your husband, don't consider his feelings, and do as you please" shouldn't be an option.

@Thymeout I imagine having a termination of a wanted baby has to be one of the most distressing things a woman could experience, especially if it's due to her husband.

I think it's kind of unthinkable it would be so awful and distressing. I mean, it's not unthinkable but it's pretty dreadful.

I don't think it's something that can be compromised on- killing a potential child which she wants.

Women can do it but it doesn't tend to make them happy.

Other abortions might be a bit less devastating (if the baby is unwanted, or the financial circumstances aren't right) but this particular situation is a particularly grim one in which to lose a wanted child.

I really think the person's feelings towards their husband wouldn't be the same.

I apologise, as I haven't explained myself well.

I am absolutely NOT saying to abort the baby. I'm saying both sides matter and should be empathised with.

It is ultimately up to the woman, of course! I'm just saying empathy needs to be with both parties, because both of their feelings matter.

Been through this and yes, it's awful. My DH did come round and then I miscarried anyway. It took me/us a while to get over what happened but we are there now. It is likely that your DH will fall in love with the baby once born but not a guarantee I guess. You have to do what you want to do. It's your body and your choice. Whatever happens from here, it will affect your marriage. Sending lots of love & hope everything works out for you xx

@ThymeTravel

Someone asked you:

Give me one single fact that would remove the right to make the decision from the woman.

And you answered:

One single fact (not relates to this thread) would be if the woman lied about being on contraception.

So you think that if a woman lied about being on contraception, that would "remove the right to make the decision from the woman."

Blimey.

If a hypothetical woman lied to her husband about contraception and got pregnant on purpose I would absolutely think she was incredibly selfish.

I wouldn't think it would remove her right to make a decision about her pregnancy. This isn't Giles's.

@PullItUp this happened to me. I had come out of a period of depression. I found out I was pregnant and dh didn't want me to keep the baby, nor did his horrible family (but that's another thread). There was a lot of arguing and tears. I went for abortion counselling and eventually booked a termination.

The night before the abortion, I decided I couldn't go through with it and decided to keep the baby. Nobody was happy about my decision. But once she was born she was utterly adored by everyone. She is very special and now about to have her 10th birthday, I don't regret my decision. I utterly adore her.

Things took a while to go back to normal. What I was surprised by was the anger I felt towards my dh and his family that they hadn't wanted her.

I know people say the father must count but please please go with your gut, with what you want. You are the one who has to live with what happens after that decision. Please feel free to pm me. I've been where you are. Take care of yourself