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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby your husband doesn't won't

233 replies

PullItUp · 01/01/2022 20:33

Has anyone been through this?

Pregnant with a baby that wasn't planned that your husband doesn't want but you do? What do you do?

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 01/01/2022 23:38

@FancySomeChips

You need to make the decision that is right for you. Not him.
This. You get one shot at life. You want the baby, you have the baby. He could get run over tomorrow, who knows. Go with what feels right.
gofg · 02/01/2022 00:05

Why do men who do not want children not take some bloody personal responsibility and get a vasectomy.

They probably want to avoid the "I want a baby but my DP had a vasectomy - what will I do?" threads on MN. The answers of course would be "how dare he, it's your right to have a baby, LTB".

Honestly, men really can't win. There are a large number of women on MN who seem to see them as little more than sperm donors, while women have "rights".

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 00:06

@gofg

Why do men who do not want children not take some bloody personal responsibility and get a vasectomy.

They probably want to avoid the "I want a baby but my DP had a vasectomy - what will I do?" threads on MN. The answers of course would be "how dare he, it's your right to have a baby, LTB".

Honestly, men really can't win. There are a large number of women on MN who seem to see them as little more than sperm donors, while women have "rights".

Or they could just say "I don't want another baby so I'm having a vasectomy" so their partner can make an informed decision about the relationship. Rather than lying.
Lalliella · 02/01/2022 00:33

Your body, your choice. If you have an abortion because that’s what he wants it could give you a lot of long term problems. If you want the baby keep it.

Porcupineintherough · 02/01/2022 00:41

No sorry @youvegottenminuteslynn telling your side you dont want any more children and are getting a vasectomy isnt good enough. You've got to discuss it with her and then do what she wants.

I wouldnt ever ask a woman seeking termination why she'd not been sterilised if she didnt want more children, so I'm not convinced it's a terribly fair question to ask a man, although I agree a man who doesnt want children should use contraception. But possibly he was and it failed, which happens to both men and women alike.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 00:45

@Porcupineintherough

No sorry *@youvegottenminuteslynn* telling your side you dont want any more children and are getting a vasectomy isnt good enough. You've got to discuss it with her and then do what she wants.

I wouldnt ever ask a woman seeking termination why she'd not been sterilised if she didnt want more children, so I'm not convinced it's a terribly fair question to ask a man, although I agree a man who doesnt want children should use contraception. But possibly he was and it failed, which happens to both men and women alike.

I don't understand why you've replied to me with that first paragraph as you're just staying the opposite of what I said by adding the "and then do what she wants" bit... some people may think that but I clearly don't as I stated the opposite. So it's weird to reply to me saying that?
Peppapigforlife · 02/01/2022 00:48

Been in this position and let the ex pressure me into termination. The relationship crumbled pretty quickly after that. As a now single mother from a later experience, I know how amazing I would have done, if I had stood my ground and let him walk away.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 02:28

I’d assume the relationship would be over, and consider what I’d want to do in that instance, allowing that my first duty was to myself and ny existing child.

That might not happen of course, but I would plan as if it might. Can you afford it? Where would support come from??

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/01/2022 05:19

gofg Honestly, men really can't win.

I don’t think that is true. Only the lying, manipulative, women hating men seem to feel that way, decent, honest men who like women and regard women as equal human beings seem to be confident, win, win types. But then misogyny turns a person into a bit of a loser, so you are probably right about some men.

grapewine · 02/01/2022 05:32

@BasicDad

But the "Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭" thread was quite in favour of OP and her husband being a twat for making his own decisions.

[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]]iibeingunreasonable/4437676-Husband-had-a-vasectomy-and-never-told-me

This was the first thing I thought about.

OP, it is your decision. But a consequence may be that your marriage doesn't survive. So decide if you want to do it alone.

Piggyk2 · 02/01/2022 05:48

What are his reasons OP?

6 kids between you both is a lot!

Scrunchies · 02/01/2022 06:12

Haven’t read the whole thread but just an alternative view.

We both very much wanted a baby, needed fertility treatment. DH fully on board. Baby arrived, he found it too difficult and mentally checked out. I think this is sadly very common for a lot of families. So my point is sadly, sometimes a husband wanting a baby doesn’t mean anything 🤷‍♀️

Piggyk2 · 02/01/2022 06:37

@isitfree

Everyone on here is so quick to say "leave him" " get a divorce" "bin him" no one suggests trying to work things out. Is marriage that disposable to everyone!!
True. I think sometimes MN get carried away and forget the reality on a lot of topics.

The best advice I have read on this particular thread is if OP wants to keep the baby she should but be prepared to do it alone.

TueWed · 02/01/2022 08:22

@DroopyClematis

I'm minded of the current thread where the husband had a vasectomy behind his wife's back because he really didn't want any more children but his wife might do.

It's shit OP but you may have rocky roads ahead.

The ' your body, your choice' groupies need a long hard think about these decisions.

Who else should be making the choice for the woman?
user1471462428 · 02/01/2022 08:28

Just to tell the other side of this, I am the unwanted baby (last of a large family). It destroyed my life before I was even born. My parents marriage crumbled, my siblings (understandably) massively resented me, my dad had no interest in me whatsoever as a child. I have lifelong depression, engaged in very risky behaviours when I was younger and have only ever had abusive relationships. Be careful what you wish.

DeepaBeesKit · 02/01/2022 09:09

And the poor DH can't manage his own contraception? Is he not capable? Do you think he had sex without his consent?

If a couple are in a trusting secure marriage and one party has assured the other they have contraception sorted I think the other partner should be able to trust that?

OP did your partner think you were using contraception?

georgarina · 02/01/2022 09:10

Who else should be making the choice for the woman?

This is always my question. Since you can't make a halfway decision, one person will have to make the choice. Should the man make the choice for the woman? It makes no sense. Someone has to make the choice, and that has to be the woman due to the simple fact of biology. The man's choice is whether or not to be involved.

shouldistop · 02/01/2022 09:10

Personally I'd have an abortion as I wouldn't want to risk my marriage and my existing children's happiness / future.

grapewine · 02/01/2022 09:22

@shouldistop

Personally I'd have an abortion as I wouldn't want to risk my marriage and my existing children's happiness / future.
That's a good point. Can you actually afford more children without it costing your existing ones in terms of time with them and opportunities in life?

Six children between you is a considerable expense.

LankylegsFromOz · 02/01/2022 09:29

Happened to us. DH was only opposed for a couple of weeks, but it was fraught at the time. Madam is 6.5 years old, and the apple of her Dad's eye ❤

me4real · 02/01/2022 09:52

For those saying they will have six kids between them- I read it as that this will be OP's husband's fourth child. He has two from a previous relationship. I assumed the other 1.5 are his and OP's.

Original poster
PullItUp · 02/01/2022 10:08

@me4real

For those saying they will have six kids between them- I read it as that this will be OP's husband's fourth child. He has two from a previous relationship. I assumed the other 1.5 are his and OP's.
Sorry not caught up yet fully but yes this is right.

It would be 4 children between us, not 6.

2 of them both mine and his and the other 2 his from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
PullItUp · 02/01/2022 10:14

@christmaskittenincoming

Was your 1st planned?
Yes our DC was planned and wanted.

But he always said he absolutely categorically was done with children after that as he had 3 and didn't want anymore.

I have been struggling with hormonal contraception so have been swapping and changing a few things lately so not actually been on anything for a little bit (which he knew).

OP posts:
diddl · 02/01/2022 10:18

So if you were having unprotected sex, what was the plan should a pregnancy occur?

IncompleteSenten · 02/01/2022 10:21

Hmmm

Your body your choice groupies.

So - if a woman is not in control of her body? If the decision about an existing pregnancy is not hers and hers alone? What then? A committee? Every woman is allocated a team to decide whether she will be proceeding with a pregnancy or not?

Or maybe it's the father's choice? She can be forced to have an abortion she doesn't want on her partner's orders. He can ring the police. My woman is carrying my child. I don't want to proceed. The police come get her, take her to a clinic and she is held down while an abortion is performed on her.

And I assume she should also be forced to give birth to a child she doesn't want if the father wants the baby.

Forced birth centres perhaps? Father goes to the police and notifies them that a woman is having an abortion without his consent. They can send a van round, arrest her, take her to a secure unit and hold her there until she delivers.

Or maybe they can play rock, paper, scissors to decide whose choice it is.

🙄 Ffs