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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby your husband doesn't won't

233 replies

PullItUp · 01/01/2022 20:33

Has anyone been through this?

Pregnant with a baby that wasn't planned that your husband doesn't want but you do? What do you do?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2022 21:13

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
Men make themselves dispensable by failing to honour their commitments, too often demonstrating that women can cope without them. In my experience, men deprive children of a father more often than women do.
DysmalRadius · 01/01/2022 21:18

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
It's the would-be father that would be making himself dispensable if he chooses not to stick around to honour his responsibilities.
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 01/01/2022 21:19

I would keep the baby myself...couldn't live with knowing l had terminated bit depends if you want another child op.
Tough one x

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/01/2022 21:20

Yeah kind of - my DP was upset and definitely hadn’t wanted another.
But after the initial conversation and tears he was very clear that he didn’t want me to terminate.
So even though he wasn’t happy and definitely didn’t enjoy the baby stage (baby was a terrible sleeper and We had 2 close together), he loves DC2 just the same as DC1 and fully admits that whilst he didn’t “want” another, he is glad we have them both and that they hAve each other.

Hard for your DP because 4 kids is no joke.

If you’ve made the decision to keep the baby then your DP has to make the choice to stay or go. If he stays then he must be on board with it - not full of resentment. What you can’t do is stay with someone who will make it known they resent their child.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2022 21:20

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
No one is saying he's dispensable, but that op has the right to choose her baby over a man and if he doesn't want to stay in the marriage, she's still entitled to choose her baby
georgarina · 01/01/2022 21:21

This happened to me. I kept my baby. Unfortunately there's no compromise when it comes to the decision, and it's yours. Think, if it were his decision, what would he do? He would make the decision he thought was best, same as you have to. Then his response is up to him.

That baby is now almost as tall as me and his dad loves him more than anything.

OzziePopPop · 01/01/2022 21:21

What precautions was HE taking to prevent pregnancy - assuming he hasn’t suddenly decided post-conception that he doesn’t want another child and this was actually a planned pregnancy that he’s ‘changed his mind’ about

Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2022 21:22

So he already has 3 children, doesn’t want more but hasn’t had a vasectomy ???

I am fed up with men like this. If they know for sure they do not want more kids they need to take responsibility for that and get the snip.
He is an adult. He knows that every form of contraception has failures.

His failure to act has put you in this situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:23

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
Self entitled to not have to have an abortion if your husband doesn't want the baby? Really?

You do realise women have autonomy over their bodies, yes?

IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2022 21:31

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
Wtf are you on about? He's making himself "dispensible". He's the one who doesn't want the baby. If he did, there wouldn't be an issue, would there? If the op chooses to keep the baby and he chooses to walk away, that's on him not her.

Shame on you for twisting things into utter bollocks to fit your woman bashing agenda!

TueWed · 01/01/2022 21:37

@JulieMcVie

Wow, the self-entitlement here is disgusting. That would-be child has a right to a father. Fed up with this "men are dispensible" line that's becoming evermore commonplace. Shame on you all.
Riight - thanks for turning up and enlightening us with your opinion.

  1. A woman is the only person in a relationship who can decide to continue or not with a pregnancy.

  2. A man can only advise how he feels but overall all he can do is support the PREGNANT woman with what SHE wants. Sure, he can back away from the relationship, and thats ok if thats what he wants. But he is the one making that decision.

Yes - its not fair on the man, no one is disputing that, but if you dont want to be a father, then you use a condom/have a vasectomy/dont have sex

TueWed · 01/01/2022 21:39

OP - if you want this baby, then you need to work out how you will support yourself, the baby and your older DC. It is totally possible, it won't be easy, but you know that.

Best of luch

TueWed · 01/01/2022 21:39

*luck

DeepaBeesKit · 01/01/2022 21:44

It's obviously your decision to take op but I do feel bad for your DH. A child being imposed on a father who didnt want them isnt good for father or child.

CriminalOrator · 01/01/2022 21:49

What would he say (and do) if you told him you wanted the baby and were keeping it @PullItUp?

sst1234 · 01/01/2022 21:50

So you are going to trick him? How exactly will this baby come about without his consent?

CriminalOrator · 01/01/2022 21:50

@DeepaBeesKit

It's obviously your decision to take op but I do feel bad for your DH. A child being imposed on a father who didnt want them isnt good for father or child.
Imposed is the wrong word. That suggests the OP was devious and planned to get pregnant without her husband’s knowledge. What would be worse would be a husband forcing a woman to endure an abortion against her will.
TueWed · 01/01/2022 21:52

@sst1234

So you are going to trick him? How exactly will this baby come about without his consent?
Where did you get 'trick him' - genuinely not being snarky, but cannot see it in the OP posts?
CriminalOrator · 01/01/2022 21:53

Why so many posters feeling so desperately sorry for this ‘poor’ man?! If he desperately didn’t want another child he could have taken steps to ensure that. As is his right. Or did he just expect the OP to be the one to sort contraception as the woman?

sst1234 · 01/01/2022 21:53

So you are pregnant already. How did the baby happen? Did he take any responsibility for preventing the pregnancy? A man who doesn’t want a baby rarely takes responsibility in the long term. Women who have children with men who don’t want them need to be prepared to raise them alone.

Cakecakecheese · 01/01/2022 21:53

@sst1234

So you are going to trick him? How exactly will this baby come about without his consent?
Eh?

She's already pregnant. Presumably the baby came about by sex! If he strongly did not want a child he had options such as a vasectomy or not having sex at all.

RavenBrooke · 01/01/2022 21:54

I was in the exact same situation last year. He asked me to terminate, I didn't. Baby is 9 months now. Initially he didn't bond with her which made me feel like shit and full of resentment, we grew apart quite a bit. However when she was very poorly a while back he stepped up and all of a sudden became more helpful and involved. He's constantly asking me to send videos and photos of her now when he's at work.

Shmithecat2 · 01/01/2022 21:54

@DeepaBeesKit

It's obviously your decision to take op but I do feel bad for your DH. A child being imposed on a father who didnt want them isnt good for father or child.
And the poor DH can't manage his own contraception? Is he not capable? Do you think he had sex without his consent?
SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 01/01/2022 21:55

He'll probably come round but be prepared to have 'well I didn't even want a baby' thrown in your face when you ask him to do anything slightly useful for the next few years.

Booklover3 · 01/01/2022 21:55

I agree. If he didn’t want another baby he should’ve done something about it.

However you will have to decide what you want most… and be prepared as he might leave. Flowers