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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby your husband doesn't won't

233 replies

PullItUp · 01/01/2022 20:33

Has anyone been through this?

Pregnant with a baby that wasn't planned that your husband doesn't want but you do? What do you do?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/01/2022 22:26

No but I know people who have. Don't have an abortion because its what he wants.but be prepared to be a single parent.

Wrongkindofovercoat · 01/01/2022 22:26

I was in the same position a good few years ago, it was an awful feeling and if I am honest I have never really recovered from what I saw as a huge betrayal. I am still here and so is he and so is the child, but I no longer view him the same, he just isn't the person I thought he was, I expected more from him and he was sadly lacking.

HTH1 · 01/01/2022 22:28

This reply has been deleted

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DroopyClematis · 01/01/2022 22:29

I'm minded of the current thread where the husband had a vasectomy behind his wife's back because he really didn't want any more children but his wife might do.

It's shit OP but you may have rocky roads ahead.

The ' your body, your choice' groupies need a long hard think about these decisions.

SalveVagina · 01/01/2022 22:35

All I can tell you, OP, is that I would have chosen my baby over my husband any day. I also know that I couldn't have terminated because my husband "didn't want another baby", having done nothing to prevent a pregnancy.

Shmithecat2 · 01/01/2022 22:36

@DroopyClematis

I'm minded of the current thread where the husband had a vasectomy behind his wife's back because he really didn't want any more children but his wife might do.

It's shit OP but you may have rocky roads ahead.

The ' your body, your choice' groupies need a long hard think about these decisions.

Having a vasectomy behind your wife's back isn't quite the same as having consensual sex and being pissed off that a potential consequence is now a reality.
Shallwegoforawalk · 01/01/2022 22:37

@Rainbowqueeen

So he already has 3 children, doesn’t want more but hasn’t had a vasectomy ??? I am fed up with men like this. If they know for sure they do not want more kids they need to take responsibility for that and get the snip. He is an adult. He knows that every form of contraception has failures. His failure to act has put you in this situation.
Yep.

Not me but I've known some friends in this situation. One husband was eventually fine after the baby was born and they are still going strong. Two others left the marriage and one hardly ever sees any of the kids now.

ilssagain · 01/01/2022 22:40

But the "Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭" thread was quite in favour of OP and her husband being a twat for making his own decisions

Oh FFS, it's not the same scenario at all. The husband who had a vasectomy and never told the OP on that thread was a twat because he should have discussed it with her. And yes, his body, his choice, so if he wanted to go ahead then that was his decision, however, not at least discussing this with your wife or informing her if his mind was made up is well out of order.
It removes the OP's ability to make an informed decision about whether to stay with him or not - if not being able to have another child was a dealbreaker.

A friend of mine was with her partner for 10 years. He claimed he wanted children with her and they tried but sadly no pregnancy ensued. Her fertile years ticked away and various tests (on her) showed no reason for her not becoming pregnant. He claimed his tests showed that he was fertile too (though as it turned out he hadn't actually being having tests).
When they split he informed her that he'd had a vasectomy 15 years beforehand.
The fucker robbed her of her chance to have a baby due to his lies.
Yes, it was his body and his choice and he'd decided to have a vasectomy before he met her but anyone decent would have told her and let her make a decision about what she wanted to do.

In the case of this OP, it's her body and she can choose. If she wants to have the baby she should have it. However she has to be aware that the consequences might be that he leaves her.
They should both discuss the situation and honestly but at the end of the day it is the OP who decides whether to continue the pregnancy or not.

RobertaFirmino · 01/01/2022 22:41

So OP should just kill her baby then because she would otherwise be “self-entitled”?

What the actual fuck @HTH1

'Kill her baby'?

I think the word you are looking for is 'abort'.

HTH.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 22:47

A friend of mine was with her partner for 10 years. He claimed he wanted children with her and they tried but sadly no pregnancy ensued. Her fertile years ticked away and various tests (on her) showed no reason for her not becoming pregnant. He claimed his tests showed that he was fertile too (though as it turned out he hadn't actually being having tests).When they split he informed her that he'd had a vasectomy 15 years beforehand.

Oh my god that is one of the cruellest things I've ever heard. Fuck. Your poor friend. That's terrifying, what a betrayal.

isitfree · 01/01/2022 22:48

Everyone on here is so quick to say "leave him" " get a divorce" "bin him" no one suggests trying to work things out. Is marriage that disposable to everyone!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 22:51

I don't think most people are saying to leave him right now, they're saying that if he doesn't get on board then the relationship won't be sustainable as he will likely resent OP and the baby. And that if OP were to have a termination through him pressuring her and regret it, the relationship won't be sustainable as she will resent him and have huge regrets.

So OP needs to make a decision based on whether or not she feels able to be a single parent really.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/01/2022 22:56

I would terminate.

I know people are saying "do what you want" but you need to think about how that baby will feel growing up unwanted by its father. I wouldn't want to "chance it" with something so huge.

BasicDad · 01/01/2022 22:58

Do people not actually discuss or plan what they would do during an accidental pregnancy?

Justgettingbye · 01/01/2022 22:58

@isitfree

Everyone on here is so quick to say "leave him" " get a divorce" "bin him" no one suggests trying to work things out. Is marriage that disposable to everyone!!
That's MN for ya Grin it comes up on every thread!
me4real · 01/01/2022 23:01

Everyone on here is so quick to say "leave him" " get a divorce" "bin him" no one suggests trying to work things out. Is marriage that disposable to everyone!!

@isitfree I don't know if anyone has said to leave him ASAP. Most've said to keep the baby (because that's what OP wants) and whether he's on board or not is down to him.

I don't think women should abort a child they want for the sake of not angering their husband. And as PP's have said, the fallout from such an unwanted/coerced abortion (loss of what would've been a wanted child, because of the husband's feelings about it) would damage a woman's feelings towards her partner, anyway.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 01/01/2022 23:03

@WeAllHaveWings

You either keep the baby and he resents it. Or terminate and you resent it.

Either way it is a tough one your marriage might not survive, you need to talk and see if either of you genuinely changes their position and if not decide turn you decide what is best for you knowing the potential consequences.

Good luck.

This is true, unfortunately. There is no way forward that doesn't involve some regret, so the important thing is to do what is right for you.

I am 100% pro-choice, but do not have a termination that you do not want.

BadgeronaMoped · 01/01/2022 23:05

It was hard, really put a strain on our relationship but I knew abortion in our circumstances wasn't the right choice. DH supported my choice but wasn't happy about it and didn't come to any of my scans (mum did instead). DH came with me for the birth and deeply regrets how he felt and behaved during my pregnancy. To be fair to him, he had none of the hormonal/physical attachment that I did, and was approaching the concept of DC3 from an entirely practical POV. During my pregnancy he had a vasectomy, so at least he took practical steps to prevent any further conceptions!

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide. I found writing things down helped me, a massive list of cons and then "my children bring me unparalleled joy" in the pros column... Cheesy, impractical, but that's human nature I suppose.

WonderfulYou · 01/01/2022 23:06

But the "Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭" thread was quite in favour of OP and her husband being a twat for making his own decisions.

I thought, like many others did, that the husband had every right to get a vasectomy but he was a twat for not telling his partner either before or afterwards, she found out and then he came clean.

This scenario would be similar if OP said she was sterilised but was wasn’t and was actually trying to get pregnant.

It doesn’t sound like that happened. So in this scenario they are both to blame but it’s up to OP what she does with her own body (like it was for the husband in the previous thread) but OPs partner can decide to not be in the relationship and not to see the child.

Of course people can change their minds but ultimately it depends what they’ve discussed in the past.
If the DH has said he’s always wanted another child and didn’t use protection, then he should suck it up and be a father to the baby.
But if he’s always said he doesn’t want another one and used contraception but OP didn’t then it’s understandable why he’d want to end the relationship if she goes through with it.

Outlyingtrout · 01/01/2022 23:17

@BasicDad

But the "Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭" thread was quite in favour of OP and her husband being a twat for making his own decisions.

[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]]iibeingunreasonable/4437676-Husband-had-a-vasectomy-and-never-told-me

I don’t know why people on that thread (and others, like you are doing now) were/are intent on misrepresenting people’s opinions. Nobody thought OP’s husband was a twat for getting a vasectomy. Nobody thought OP’s husband needed her permission to get a vasectomy. People quite rightly thought her husband was a twat for hiding the vasectomy from her after leading her to believe that further children were on the cards through their previous conversations. She should have had the option to leave him if more children were important to her but he tried to take that choice away from her.
nalabae · 01/01/2022 23:24

Keep your baby.

PoleFairy · 01/01/2022 23:27

Why doesnt he want it? 4 children is a lot. Is he worried that you cant physically afford it? Do you work? Does he work? Are any of the children in childcare, will this ones childcare overlap? 2 in childcare is a lot to pay. Will you need a new house and car? I do generally agree that it's your body and your choice but he must have given reasons for why he doesnt want this baby. Is he freaking out about logistics?

SammyScrounge · 01/01/2022 23:27

@BooksAndGin

Happened to me and my DH, soon as he was born he fell in love with him right away.

Doesn't always happen though so it's down to you.

Happened to my friend. They had two sons and desperately wanted a daughter. He said ok, but the baby would be hers to look after and nothing to do with him. So she went ahead and got her wish - a daughter.As for her DH, he fell in love with his little girl. He was besotted with her. You never know...
Pbbananabagel · 01/01/2022 23:31

I was that baby. My dad came around when I was born and loved me to bits. My mum told me when they were having an argument when I was a teenager and he was absolutely devastated. It was a really low thing for her to do.

Triplecheeseplease · 01/01/2022 23:37

Just for a different perspective (and I do feel shame for saying this) but I was in the opposite situation, I was the one who didn’t want another child, DP did.

I gave in to emotional blackmail and continued with it. I love my child to the ends of the earth but at every difficult moment I was full of bitterness and resentment. Suffered terrible PND and was suicidal. We have suffered terribly as a result.

Go with you what you want and best of luck Flowers

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