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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:07

It's totally unreasonable for your ex to demand you stop BFing, or that you stay over.

I BF my first till he was 4.5 and me second till she was 5.5.

At that age, they're old enough to understand that men can't BF, but they still need to go to sleep!

I used to share bedtime duties with my DP once the DC were older but still BFing. He would do bedtime every other day, and my DC would simply feed to sleep with me and not for him.

It is MUCH harder to convince a child who's used to feeding to sleep that breastfeeding isn't available if you are the one with the boobs! That's his job.

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:11

Are you restricting BFing because you feel it's time to stop or because you are doing pressure from your ex/society, btw?

You don't have to give it up yet if you don't want to, you know that, right?

1AngelicFruitCake · 01/01/2022 17:12

I’m going to disagree with the poster above as I cannot understand why you’d breastfeed a child of that age (each to their own). I think you’ve been unfair to your ex because it’s going to cause him a massive problem. This reads like it would’ve been too hard for you but you expect him to get your child to sleep even if it’s hard for him.

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:12

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed, I do think establishing that their dad does not breastfeed is better and when they stay there I'm not there.

I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life.

OP posts:
mycatistrans · 01/01/2022 17:14

I'm Shock at a school aged child breastfeeding to be honest.

Charley50 · 01/01/2022 17:15

At 4.5 years, you should be able to explain to DS that he is a bit big to breast feed now, as he gets his nutrition from food.

moremoony · 01/01/2022 17:16

Just say no. If you’re not there then the child can’t BF. At 4 years old he will understand that. Your ex will have to find his own way to settle him. He will have to do some parenting at last.

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2022 17:16

I do think its important that kids have similar bed time routines at both parents houses as eases the transition and anxiety. You could always feed an hour before bed then do bedtime routine?

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:17

Steps I've taken over the last year to stop breastfeeding

No breastfeeding during the day except when they were very very sick recently with the flu.

Strict bedtime and milk and a attempt at falling asleep by themselves.

Showers and story before bed obviously.

Own bed in my room as they can't currently have their own room at my house (had to co sleep the last couple of months to to visitors)

Staying at their fathers house and letting him try to get them to sleep alone.

Not dressing or sharing showers.

Not breastfeeding after they've originally going to sleep ( a bit hit and miss and has led to them waking at 3 am and not falling asleep until 6)

Bribery

Big boy activities for staying at their fathers/hyping it up.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 17:21

You might just have to say no and put up with the tantrums for a bit. (From your child and your ex)

Cocomarine · 01/01/2022 17:22

My daughter breastfed until 4 years 9 months.
By that point it was sporadic - but she did like to feed to sleep. I am unapologetic on here - she liked it, it was fine by me.
She’s a very independent teen now, incidentally! Self settles wonderfully 🤣
I actually worked away from home overnight frequently from age 13 months. She was perfectly able to settle without feeding when I wasn’t there.
Even as a baby, she understood that daddy couldn’t feed her to sleep. The issue here isn’t the breastfeeding, it’s that none of you are expecting your son to establish a new routine in his other home.
Breastfeeding is a total red herring here.

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 17:22

You need to let your child go to your ex without you staying over. At 4.5 they're old enough to understand and you admit they've previously settled.

Do you want to continue breastfeeding?

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:22

@mycatistrans

I'm Shock at a school aged child breastfeeding to be honest.
The UK is one of the most BFing unfriendly societies in the world. But BFing a 4 or 5 year old is perfectly "normal" and beneficial for the child.

You thinking it's weird is a product of our culture, but it's actually this kind of thinking that's weird if you look at BFing in a historical or global context.

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:23

@Hankunamatata

I do think its important that kids have similar bed time routines at both parents houses as eases the transition and anxiety. You could always feed an hour before bed then do bedtime routine?
Why should she? The ex needs to sort out bedtime at his, and no it doesn't need to be the same.
Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:23

It doesn't help that our room shares a wall with next doors bedroom so I worry about how extreme their tantrums are which get worse the more tired they are, they scream, cry shout, kick punch slam doors , hurt the cats destroy the room, try to leave the flat, try to move my clothes while I'm sleeping.
From the sound of what his father said the sleepover wasn't as bad

OP posts:
Whywonttheyhelpme · 01/01/2022 17:24

I think YABU.

It sounds like you have decided as a family that now is the appropriate time for your school age child to stop nursing. This may be something you have to work at as a team and your ex seems to accept that. However, you seem like you want to carry on to suit you and your ex have to deal with the consequences.

I know I sound harsh but I have weaned two children off the breast and been through the night time tantrums of children not wanting to sleep in their own beds. The only thing that works is positive reinforcement and perseverance.

Cocomarine · 01/01/2022 17:24

I would avoid massively over hyping the Big Boy thing at daddy’s. I think you actually risk turning it into too big a deal as a result! He’s old enough for you to approach it in quite a matter of fact way.

Your ex is being pathetic, and should parent his own child without you there.

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:24

Wow, that does sound extreme! What are these tantrums about exactly?

Original poster
Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:26

I don't mind as much as they usually breastfeed for twenty minutes and fall asleep, occasionally they will breastfeed if they wake up unsettled in the night

OP posts:
christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:26

@Whywonttheyhelpme

I think YABU.

It sounds like you have decided as a family that now is the appropriate time for your school age child to stop nursing. This may be something you have to work at as a team and your ex seems to accept that. However, you seem like you want to carry on to suit you and your ex have to deal with the consequences.

I know I sound harsh but I have weaned two children off the breast and been through the night time tantrums of children not wanting to sleep in their own beds. The only thing that works is positive reinforcement and perseverance.

It doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like the ex has decided it would be convenient if the OP did his parenting work for him, instead of him stepping up.and doing the work himself.
Poptart4 · 01/01/2022 17:27

Can you give him a bottle at night instead?

christmascharade · 01/01/2022 17:28

Breastfeeding is a total red herring here

Agreed. The ex needs to establish a bedtime routine with his child and stop trying to make it the OP's problem to solve.

RussianSpy101 · 01/01/2022 17:29

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off tbh. He’s not fair that he has to deal with the upset before bedtime because you wont stop breastfeeding a school aged child.
Just tell your son he isn’t breast feeding anymore.

Ileflottante · 01/01/2022 17:30

I’m sure it’s normal to some, but a 4.5 year old ‘violently’ hauling at his mother’s clothes and demanding to breastfeed is very disturbing to me.

RussianSpy101 · 01/01/2022 17:30

How can he settle his own child when the child wants a breastfeed because that’s what he’s had every single night with his mum for 4.5 years? Ridicukous

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